this blur called life

niiice

2006-10-19T21:45:00.000-05:00

How can you love and hate a chore at the same time? Every other day, Lee and I swap dish duties since Lisa is resident cook. I loathe doing the dishes. I am slow at them and my hands feel perpetually wrinkly afterwards. And as I wash something particularly dirty, I have weird thoughts run through my head. I'm currently using a sponge with dish soap and rubbing the grease around until it somehow comes off the dish and somewhat soaks itself into the sponge. Then I wash the dish and it is "clean". That is weird. You just rubbed a grease/soap mixture off... mixture, people, not just soap. I almost feel the need to wash it one more time with a clean sponge to give it a real rinse. Poeple, I think I am becoming OCD, or maybe already am a little. Anyways, onto why I LOVE dish washing. Actually I hate the washing... but I LOVE stackling the dish washer. For some reason, I love the challenge of somehow fitting a crap ton of dishes and pots into our oddly designed dish washer. I take my stacking very seriously. Once I am finished and see that I've fit every dish, I feel a great sense of accomplishment. I know... lame. :-) I guess I am somewhat of a problem solver. I like being given a problem, the variables, and finding an optimal solution. I really enjoyed linear programming in college. If you're savvy on your math fields, you would tell me I should have went into operations research! Where were you 4 years ago? :-)

I was reading my Entertainment Weekly and saw a nice little spread on Sacha Baron Cohen. Borat comes out in a few weeks and I plan on dragging someone to see it with me. I'd see it with my two favorite joos, but alas, I've got conflicting plans. Nonetheless, I look forward to the movie. I am sure it will be hilarious and horrible all at the same time. Hilarious because Sacha is a genius and horrible because there are actually people out there who make ignorancy a personality trait. Alas, what can you do? Me, I plan on laughing at the pitiful people and their unbelievable beliefs that Borat is so smartly exposing. Kudos to you. Or as you would say... Niiice! ;-)

Small complaint on Entertainment Weekly: please stop writing your reviews as if every movie you watch is of Oscar calibur. They aren't. There are movies and then there are films and each critic knows this. Loosen up on the snob critiques and try approaching it with some realistic expectations. Also, I beg of you, do not, I repeat, do not give the movie away in the review. I just want an appetizer, not the whole entree smushed into a convenient Happy Meal To Go. These days, it seems like reviews and trailers just give away too much. The trailers should tease and pique your interest without giving away 75% of the plot. I don't pay $10 to see an extended version of the trailer. Ok, no more rants. :-)

I'm feeling a reasonable hour for bed tonight. Let's see if I can make it happen. Wish me luck!

rats all around

2006-10-19T00:16:00.000-05:00

What is it about clothes and the fact that I can't just throw out stuff I don't wear? I am one of those people who does her laundry every two weeks and cycles the same set of clothes rather than give each outfit an opportunity to see the light of day. I "thinned" my closet and dresser when I moved to this new apartment to make things fit in the storage places given. Yet, as I glance over at my closet, I see shirt after shirt and think, damn, I haven't worn that since last year, or maybe even the year before. My problem is letting go. I always think, what if I get rid of it and then three months down the road, I all of a sudden need THAT one item? The probability is low, but the fact that there is a chance makes me a horrendous pack rat. I am not a risk taker. As an actuarial student, I manage risk... but as every day me, I don't even take a risk. Yikes. I need to throw shit out. Clutter does some serious damage, not only in my closet, but my friggin' life.

A few weeks ago, someone got laid off in my office. It really shook me. I didn't see it coming and it wasn't even in my department and I only knew him somewhat, but still... it really got me thinking. What if that had been me? What if I were laid off? Would I continue looking for another job in the actuarial profession? Maybe, the practical side of me says probably. But then, the scared-and-afraid-she-is-going-to-end-up-unhappy-professionally side of me screams, TAKE OUT A CRAP TON OF LOANS AND GO BACK TO SCHOOL, WOMAN! And then practical me asks, hold on crazy, WHAT would you study? And then the dreamer side concedes with an I DON'T KNOW! and goes down for the count as practical me takes her unhappy victory lap around the ring. I'm telling you, practical me wants to be punched in the stomach, but dreamer me just can't seem to come up with the vision and the pizzazz to do it.

I'll spare you anymore in-depth speak of where the heck I'm going with this life and continue with the inane. Ben and Tom visited and it was so nice to have them here. Unfortunately, Ben's snores are enough wake the dead and I could not suffer more than one night sleeping with him. Seriously, you could hear his snores through my door as I slept in the living room with the oh-so-quiet sleeper, Tom Muller. We got together with the Huzinecs and gosh, I hope that when I retire, I look as happy as they are and as adventurous! :-) I really needed this past weekend. I love my cousins to death, but I am starting to miss my friends. I am lucky that my cousins indulge me and let me be me - geeky, know-it-all, funny, and all about the TMIs. We're family and nothing beats that. But I also need people to grow with me and to share my passions and impress upon me their own passions. I miss being able to talk about movies and having someone share the same passion for detail and trivia and the affect the film had on me. I miss being able to talk about music and dissecting and gushing over the beauty of an artist's words, melodies, and talent. I miss having people around who share similar thought patterns in terms of politics and social issues. I miss the catty banter that particular friends provide, and the advice and points of view they had on my life and their own. I miss my friends. I really do. They balance me out and color so many different parts of my personality. One of the worst parts of adulthood is being on your own and working so hard to retain the pieces of yourself that flourish when being with your friends... who now live miles and miles away. The world seems at its largest when you need someone and they can't be there for you immediately, whether they're 50 or 1,000 miles away. I guess I am very thankful for our overly connected world, because without it, I'd be my own sinking island.

I saw The Departed this past weekend. I am not big on violence or gangsta movies, but I must say I enjoyed it. I usually don't care for movies like this because the tension in my stomach from waiting for the conflict to explode in my face is too much to handle on a regular basis. But Scorcese did a nice job. The story was good and kept me interested and guessing and wondering which rat was going to come out this clean. The violence was well... violent. The humor came in small patches, but were just right and enough to keep the film from being 100% dark and ominous. Also, I always appreciate sex scenes where you can create the tension and the passion without being sleazy, and Scorcese did that. Well there is the OTHER sex scene that was extremely over the top, but laughable. You'll just have to see it for yourself. Kudos on the Southie speak and the few recognizable clips of Boston. He did the city proud, even if he filmed most of it in New York. :-P

I've cat napped twice this week already. And then I stay up late like this. And then want to nap the next day. I've got to nip this in the bud! Time for bed.

PS. No one wants to see The Scissor Sisters with me. :-( It's a sad day. What the heck am I going to do with this extra ticket?!

realistic superficial importance

2006-10-04T00:50:00.000-05:00

I just introduced My So-Called Life to Lisa this past weekend. And crazily enough, we just ended the series already, and it's just Tuesday. That is 23 hour episodes (OK, more like 45-50 min episodes) in about four or five days. Finishing the one lone season always leaves me wishing for more, wondering what happened, where Angela Chase's life would have went had she had another season. This is probably my third time through the series, and it feels as if I am watching it for the first time. I am not sure if I am describing this correctly, but it's the realistic superficial importance that the teenage characters put on their daily issues that resonates to what life was like for me at that age... maybe even now a little. What's amazing is that somehow through all the superficialness, we each manage to find portions of ourselves and learn those "important" life lessons. In Angela's case, and my own at times, those lessons are always filled with drama and the-world-revolves-around-this-moment mentality. If you think that life is better led without the roller coaster rides of drama, I'd tell you that you were wrong. It's the drama that keeps things interesting, forcing you to continue living for the next day because it's a toss of the dice on what happens next. And that unknown is so damn addicting. Life should be addicting! Life IS addicting. Oh man, I am so silly right now. I'll stop before I get anymore coming-of-age cliche-ish. My So-Called Life always pulls this number on me. Angela's introspective nature just channels the over-analyist in me. :-)

Sometimes I forget that not all human beings function or think the way I do. I am pretty sure that statement sounds very dumb and will resonate numerous times through my head as I try and finish this blog. I will re-edit that statement several times before I give up and just live with the silliness of the statement. Anyways, I was listening to music and just talking with my roommates and it hit me... they don't listen to music the way I do. With music, I listen, I absorb, I try to empathize... what do the words mean? What is the mood? How does this song fit in my life? Who is this artist? What is making them tick? With music I love, I listen and listen and listen. I know all the words, know the artist, attach their songs to periods in my life. I make their music a small portion of who I am because I am passionate about it and want this passion to be stamped all over my personality and thinking and words. But guess what? Not everyone functions like that. My roommates just listen for the good beat or the catchy "it" snag line of the today's trends. They don't always know the words to a song they like/"love" or the artist or sometimes what the song is trying to say about joe schmoe's life. That is just so... strange, to me at least. How do people not TRULY listen to music? Newsflash, Vonda, people don't absorb music, even life really, the same way you do. Maybe you all know this already and I'm silly to point it out. But it just hit me hard how different we all are and how we interpret things in our lives.

::yawn:: I'll stop blabbering now. I have issues getting to bed at reasonable hours. I guess some things will never change.

"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough." --Angela Chase

yada times three

2006-09-24T12:13:00.000-05:00

Am I too good to blog anymore? :-P Maybe. I guess when the lag time between blogs hits two months, it might be time for me to close up shop. We shall see.

Life has been thoroughly busy and yet lazy at the same time. Each week is a good balance of relaxation at home and at least 1-2 fun events out on the town. I feel like I've finally found a good rhythm in the city and I am very pleased with the flow of my life. For anyone living near me, feel free to give me a ring, email, or IM if you want to do something. I'm always up for fun.

I admit I miss John a lot! He left for London last week. Sometimes you just need someone around that knows you and gets you. I hope the bastard is having a good time in London. :-) Hopefully I can make my way there over Christmas to hang out and check out London. It's at the top of my list of cities to visit.

October promises to be great. The Huzi's are coming in the middle of October and I can't wait to sit down and catch up with them. The Van Cleves are visiting Salem at the end of the month and I plan on finally seeing Salem. Plus it's Halloween season, meaning time to look for haunted and creepy adventures. Lisa wants to trick'r'treat, but I nixed that idea. I have to draw a line somewhere!

College seems more and more removed as time goes on. My junior year residents called last week and it hit me that they are SENIORS now and I have been officially out of school for over a year now. Yikes. I sometimes wonder if I could go back and do it differently, would I change anything from college? Probably. I have to say that I took a ton more "close friends" from high school than I did from college. I guess the aspect of drinking and partying always held me back because those things have never been at the top of my fun list. And for most college gatherings, that is the point of gathering. To this day, I still get pressured to drink when I go out... it bothers me. Even if I have a drink, I still get pressured to have MORE. Back off! I am plenty of fun without drinks. Telling me to drink says that I'm not fun enough without toxins in my body. That insults me. PLEASE DON'T DO THAT TO ME. Thank you.

The Illusionist was very cool. That is the one movie I am giving a recommendation for right now. I got the shivers, the chills! Edward Norton rocks. Two thumbs up.

I miss my people. A lot. People who get me just an iota more. Understanding is priceless.

long winded

2006-08-06T00:28:00.000-05:00

My hard drive died and I lost everything from the last year and a half... it's as if that part of my life didn't happen. Poof... just disapeeared. When it first happened, I was pretty calm, which was surprising. But then... as time passed and I thought about it more, I'd realize another picture or file or piece of a moment recorded on my computer was gone forever. I'm still reeling from it a bit. I'm not even sure if I am the same computer geek anymore. With a blank hard drive, I don't even feel like it's my computer I am using anymore. As awful and geeky as it sounds, I feel like I lost a part of myself when that thing died. Really I lost pieces of my life - friends, family, places, and it's those memories and moments that make up a great deal of me. I'm still a little sad thinking about it... but the show must go on. I will rebuild and try to piece together what I have. It won't be the same...

I think I'm a little lost. I think I've always been a little lost. Instead of knowing who I want to be, where I want to be, what I want to be... I just know who I DON'T want to be, where I DON'T want to be, what I DON'T want to be... Just because I know what path not to take doesn't mean I have any idea what path I should be taking. I let fear of becoming someone I don't want to be steer me towards a life of comfort over a life of love and passion and being who I want to be and doing what I want to do. I think the don't's have taken over my life. I'm not even sure what I would do if I were given the opportunity to do anything. And realizing that scares me... a lot.

As more and more friends in my life move on with the next chapter in their lives... I wish them the best. I'm going to miss them like hell. Hopefully they will leave a paragraph or two for me to fill in their next installment. And hopefully... I'll figure out what my story is going to be about. It might take a few chapters to get there, but you know me, I'm long winded.

chinatown

2006-06-20T23:43:00.000-05:00

I am alive and well. The last few weeks have been without a doubt very harrowing and stressful, and yet tremendously positive and great. We finally MOVED out of the crap hole we called an apartment in Allston. Now we are living in slightly ghetto Chinatown, but it's CHINATOWN. I am IN THE CITY. When I write my address, it isn't Allston or Brighton or some lame neighborhood, it's BOSTON. Tbe movies are 2-3 blocks away, I am a 10 minute walk from work, Downtown Crossing is a stroll away, and Asian food galore surrounding me, including the fabulous C-mart just steps away. Really, this apartment has made me feel incredibly better about Boston and life. Even though I am stressing with the whole settling in and making the place into a home, it's worth it because the apartment just makes me happy. If you're my friend and in Boston, you should definitely stay with me. :-) Especially once we get furniture on Thursday! I'd update more, but sleep beckons. Oh yeah, mornings are not rushed at all, because work is just over yonder. I can get up, putz around, make breakfast and lunch, and then head out for a leisure walk to work (or T ride... it is incredibly hot right now). Hope everyone else in life is as happy as can be.

katrina

2006-06-04T22:58:00.000-05:00

Now listen up: New Orleans is NOT back to normal. People who have had their lives ruined by Katrina and Rita are NOT back on their feet. It's been 9 months and for some reason, the world seems to think things are peachy keen and life isn't THAT bad. News flash, everyone, things are still bad and peoples' lives are still a mess. Some of my family is still trying to get their lives together, still struggling, still living in housing provided by FEMA (which is running out any day now from what I last heard), still trying to figure out what the next step it. Three of my cousins have decided to take a risk and go to Iraq and work for some contracting company, just so they can get the $80,000 towards a better life. One cousins has a wife, three grown children, and one child entering the 5th grade next year. One cousin has a wife and a 3 year daughter. Another cousin, Lee and Lisa's older brother, has a fiance and a life to begin. And yet they all put it on the line to go to Iraq, because they weren't making ends meet at home in a fast enough time period. Life is still hard and they are still struggling. EVERYONE is still struggling. Don't fall into that ignorance is bliss routine and think they don't need help. I don't pray often, but I pray for a non-eventful hurricane season and for some sort of financial means to come through for my family. About 50% of my family who used to live in New Orleans moved back, so... I constantly worry. So pray... or donate... or whatever you want. Just show a little help towards those less fortunate. You may have moved on from Katrina and Rita to some bigger, more current tragedy, but they haven't and they are losing government aide fast. So, be generous and do what you can, not just for my family, but all the families.

photos galore

2006-05-25T20:50:00.000-05:00

I've been wicked lazy in blogging. ::shrug:: Surprisingly, lots of stuff HAS indeed happened.

Best news: I MET PHOENIX! All four of them: Thomas, Deck, Christian, and Laurent. I was like a little kid at the candy shop freaking out about meeting my FAVORITE band. They were so French and very (for the lack of a better word) quirky! :-) They performed all my favorite songs and I still can't believe I got to MEET them. It was just two years ago, I was in Denmark, watching their music video thinking to myself, "They are pretty damn good." And now, I have met them. Perhaps one of the coolest events in my life thus far. It has definitely cemented my love for them. Although I felt like such a Band Aid (only the cool kids know that easy reference), but a lost for words Band Aid. I have no idea what to say to them except to babble on about how amazing their music was. Here are some photos of it:

Christian and Deck with us girls

Yummy... Thomas and I... when he says merci beaucoup... you melt just a little

Deck (again) with Laurent and I

PHOENIX ROCKS!

OK, now that the Band Aid in me is out of my system... moving on... I spent a week on Oak Island and it was GREAT. Even though I put on sun block every day, I still got wicked tan. I always say the only thing in me that works really hard is my melanin. :-) Of course I HAVE to post photos...

Here is the group of us that went again. No new people, but still a good time. I admit though, being with six other girls for a whole week can get a little stressful after awhile! But luckily I had a few key people to keep my sane. :-)

Here are Katie and I at Myrtle Beach. Molly came too and it was an exceptionally GOOD time! I had my first experience at Red Lobster where I was a huge spaz, we saw very good looking guys on the beach ;-), and got told by constructions workers to drop our towels for $10 (which were acting as shields while we were changing), and just had a great time!

What a gorgeous sunset right outside out door!

This is Katie and I saying good bye at the airport. We are sickenly tan. I will miss my K-dawg! I am definitely going to try and visit Colorado SOME day soon. :-P

I have to go, because I am headed to X-Men and Foxwoods the night before a weekend in New Jersey. I will leave with a photo of my favorite graduate. Congratulations to everyone who graduated! :-) PS. I am a midget next to Patrick. :-P

divine

2006-05-08T11:15:00.000-05:00

"To err is human; to forgive is divine."

It's not fair. I don't want to be divine. I want to stay angry and not forgive. But I know, tomorrow, I'll call him and let him get away with being a jerk, with being human. Because I can't bear to think that he might not speak to me anymore if I continue to wait for an apology. It's not fair. I have no idea if things will ever change. They probably won't. And yet, I will just have to forgive and take it, because I can't replace this relationship. I can't replace him. So I'll swallow my pride, let him get away with being the most irresponsible person I've ever known, and do as much damage control as I can as life moves on for all of us. It's a fine line I've walked my entire life.

On to more inane things in my life. We secured the apartment. :-) We're going to move around June 15th and I feel that life will drastically improve once we're there. I'm going to NC in less than 5 days and it's going to be great. My goals are: 1. Read Angels and Demons and The Da Vinci Code (I know, I am behind and a loser) 2. Not get tan/skin cancer 3. Relax 4. Think about the next step in my life as I watch the ocean pound the shore. That's about it.

I am seeing Phoenix at 9pm tonight. I am pretty damn psyched. :-)

I wish I knew what it felt like to be complete.

dream apartment

2006-04-23T23:10:00.000-05:00

You know when life seems ridiculously stressful and your face breaks out because you can't seem to even grasp how things are not coming together? Well that happened to me a few weeks ago. BUT. Do you also know how life sometimes miraculously works itself out eventually, and that you somehow get super lucky? Yeah that happened to me too. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe that my cousin and I have just secured the most amazing apartment for the next two years. It's in Chinatown and great. It has floor to ceiling windows, central air and heat, high ceilings (sucky on the heating/AC thing, but great on the vibe of the apartment), laundry in the building, newly applianced kitchen and a bathroom twice the size of what we got going on right now. It's more expensive, but truly worth it and is within walking distance of my office and Lee's school. I cannot wait to move out of the crap hole we live in and truly have a place to really settle into. I can't wait for the living room and not having a communal "nook" as we call it. It's going to be great and you are all invited to check it out once we move in. :-) Also, if you want to help us move, we'd love that too. ;-) Actually, one of my coworkers offered to help, which I was touched by. Considering my own lazy best friend would never offer his barely worked hands to help (don't worry, I love him anyways and this is not new news in anway), I was pretty surprised to see my coworker offer. Nonetheless, I have a feeling we might just say eff it and get movers. We hate moving. :-P

Bob Saget... amazing. Really, the guy is a total pervert and I love him for it. We couldn't stop laughing. The moment he called his TV daughters c*ck blocks (I have to censor, because Blogger has deleted my blogs before when I happened to use the word c*nt in a completely non-derogatory way), I knew this man was a hero. :-P Seriously though, he is hilarious. If you doubt me, watch Dirty Work and let me know what your new opinion of him is. He directed it!

Had a final brunch with Joe. It's a shame he will be in NC for the next year. He shall be missed. I already consider Denmark one of the best times in my life, and I am reminded of how great it was each time I see the great friend I got out it. Oh snap, I am getting way too cheezy for this blog. :-)

Can't stay up late. Work beckons in the morning. North Carolina in three weeks!!!!!!!!!!dream

three things

2006-04-19T22:07:00.000-05:00

Dane Cook said we all do three things:
1. Lie
2. Cry
3. Take painful poops

I am not sure what I really wanted to blog about. I threw on some Aimee Mann and for some reason, I got hit with this urge to just write something, anything. Once in high school, we were instructed to write whatever came to our minds, with no censorship. Let's do that, folks.

I am jumping around with my thoughts because I am already trying to censor myself before I start writing. And now I already realize that I do that too often. I make myself into this image I think I should be. Am I really that person? Also, is my weirdness really me, or is this censored me? I am probably talking gibberish, but lately I have had more self doubt that ever before. I don't feel unhappy really, but very destitute about things. It's bad though, when I wish I could win the lottery everyday. I guess that is an indicator that my position in life right now isn't what it should be. Then again, almost every person wishes they could win the lottery. I don't even want all the money, I just want to be able to do nothing. OK, maybe not. But sometimes, I do wonder if all I want to be when I grow up is a mom and a wife. My super feminist side is thinking NO NO NO. That is not what you spent your life working towards. But then again, shouldn't it be about choice? I can CHOOSE to be a wife and mother and be proud. But I think my judgemental side would deem myself somewhat of a failure, or at least, taking the easy way out. Why must I judge like this? Whether it's braces on adults, ditzy people on American Idol, or the lack of knowledge on grammar and/or current events. I judge. I hate that about myself. I really do. It makes my top 3 list of flaws about myself. I think I trick myself into thinking that judging people keeps me from lowering my standards. Is that demented? Maybe. Yes.

PAUSE. I am restraining from reading what I just wrote. The urge is strong, but I shouldn't. I am trying to be truthful or whatever. Damn you Aimee Mann, your music always makes me feel like I should be psycho analyzing myself. As if I don't do that enough every day as is. I worry I won't grow up to be the person people want me to be. Actually, the important people in my life are proud of me and tell me that I am a great role model and are doing really well for myself. So why do I feel so unsatisfied? Do all twenty somethings feel this way? PAUSE. Yes.

PAUSE. ::sigh:: Sometimes life feels far too complicated. I love a good problem and trying to find the solution (maybe why I chose math in college), but life never hands your this "one solution only" problem. And to me, that just seems overwhelming. I am indecisive. William picked that as one of my major flaws. Timid too. I think I am agressive about everyone's life, but my own. Wow that had such a ridiculous touch of truth to it. I fight for my brother's, Lisa's, my mom's, everyone's, but I never fight for what I deserve or what I want in my life. How can I be telling these people how to live their lives when I don't even fight to live mine the way I want to? I am such a hypocrite. Damn. Another flaw.

PAUSE. I got nothing. OK, I lied. Actually I got a lot of thoughts running through my head, but I don't think I can be that honest to write it all down. Again, deceiving myself, or at least holding it in until I cry. My Hoover Dam mentality gets Katrina'ed every now and then. But humans are meant to handle this ridiculous range of emotions. So give me what you got. Lie, cry, and painful poops. I can handle them any day. Maybe not all in one day, though. Painful poops should really be a category all in its own. ;-)

extremely negligent

2006-04-12T11:03:00.000-05:00

Ah jeez. I've been extremely negligent of my blog.

April has been one busy month. You know, I used to keep this daily day to day log of minute inane things I did. I stopped carrying around the mini-journal. I should start up again. I swear I've been busy, but when it comes time to mention stuff, I completely blank out. Let's see, to sum things up since I last blogged:
1. The Top of the Hub (top floor at the Prudential Center) is very cool. I really do enjoy light jazz and a great view of the city.
2. Jamie Cullum was GREAT. He was just fantastic. It's odd, but I have to say I craved his music much more after seeing him in concert. I am so glad I went.
3. Board Game Night at the pub was really fun. I unfortunately lost in Scrabble due to Lisa's tile mishap, but Lisa and I owned Pictionary. The two best words of the night that we mastered were fog and William friggin' Shakespeare. It was neat to meet random Bostonians who loved board games.
4. Lee is a quarter century year old and I love her very much. Also, Hanni and soon to be Ben and Tom are joining the 23 year old club.
5. Celtics lost to the worst team in the league, the Knicks. Boo.
6. Apartment hunting is stressful and awful and makes me want to jump off a cliff. Wherever I move next, I am planting and staying FOREVER. Or at least two years. I cannot apartment hunt again.
7. Donald Faison doing Bell Biv Devoe's Poison on Scrubs makes me feel unbelievably better no matter how I feel.
8. A friend of mine is going to India for a year. Happy for him because that's cool. Sad for me because I won't get to speak with him whenever I want.
9. I am beginning to see how Myspace can be addictive. Don't worry, I am not converting, but it is tempting.
10. The Y chromosome is obviously very flawed. I thank my lucky stars I only have X's. People who ask why I would want to have little baby girls rather than boys have obviously never met any of the men in my family. I can't risk passing on any bad character traits to my kids. Not to say I believe that stuff is genetic, but hell, why risk it. :-P This is me being very light about how angry I am (and sometimes get) at a particular parent and/or sibling. Today, on a scale of 1 to 10 of upsetness, I'd say I was at an 8. Not good.
11. I have never felt as much a failure as I did this weekend. I honestly have no idea what I am doing with my life.
12. I have to end on a good note: I have tickets to see Phoenix at TT's in Cambridge in May. How excited am I? Proverbially crapping my pants really. :-P

That's right, I went there. CRAPPING MY PANTS IN EXCITEMENT, PEOPLE! I'll let that image settle in as I force myself into slumber. :-)

ideas are bulletproof

2006-03-19T21:24:00.000-05:00

Damn March Madness is totally killing my overall productiveness, both in and out of the office. Thankfully, there won't be a game until Thursday, so I can be assured of a higher level of productivity until then. But my bracket is getting killed! Sheesh, I cannot pick the winner for the life of me. :-)

Well, 23 has come. Most of the "important people" remembered this year, so I consider it a good beginning. The girls took me to the Cheesecake Factory and we had a good time. I got a lot of great thoughtful gifts. I think 23 came in a lot better than 22. And I hope 24, the year of the pig, will be even better!

James Blunt was pretty damn good. The opening band was OK, didn't care for them much. But James had a lot better stage presence than I thought it would. He did almost all his songs and a few I didn't know. He also started strumming the first few chords to Hotel California, and then asked us all "Does anyone know Hotel California? (pause) Because I don't!" and switched to one of his songs. It was humorous. I wish someone had come to the concert with me, but I guess I should get used to it, because not enough of my friends share the same music tastes (although James is pretty mainstream... I just got unlucky). I look forward to Jamie Cullum (with Laura hopefully) at the end of March. Yay!

I hate when I pass judgment. I need to stop or at least lessen the amount of times I do it. It's not flattering and I know I can be a better person. I need to take more tips from my cousins and just BE. I think the only place I should let myself be judgmental is when I am riding the T. No matter how good of a person you are, believe me, you cannot help but hate on someone while riding the T. There is just always that one person who is being incredibly rude, loud, belligerent, ignorant, or selfish. :-P

V for Vendetta was GREAT. I really enjoyed it. And seeing it at IMAX made it even better. Ideas are bulletproof, people, BULLETPROOF!

Well tomorrow starts another week. Hopefully it will pass fast. Don't want to get a case of the Mondays every day!

life's achievement

2006-03-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how 10 days just creep by. Or even more so, 23 years. The birthday is looming.

Lisa, Lee, David and I went to Foxwoods. After an unsuccessful Bingo game, we went and tried our hands at table games in the Asian room. At first we lost our $60 in Baccarat. But then we tried our hands at Pai Gow Poker and slowly made it all back and doubled it. Plus our dealer Kun, from Philly, was awesome. We trash talked most of the night and just had a damn good time. I will definitely not be a pansy and try the table games next time I come to gamble! We didn't get home until 5:30am. Yeesh! But still fun. :-)

Laura and William came in to celebrate my birthday at Brown Sugar. William got me the entire collection of Foxtrot comics. I am currently ODing on geek humor. It's great. Laura knitted me a fabulous scarf and made me earrings. Accessories are my favorite parts of an outfit! I miss seeing them on a more regular basis. I miss randomly sharing a laugh with William, doing nothing and everything with Becky, talking inanely with Patick, doing laundry with Katie, sharing secrets and judgements with Carla, having intelligent arguments with Ian, being a little kooky and neurotic with Laura, yelling at Tom for being Tom, laughing at Erie's trashiness with Hanni, being ethnic with Ben, and on and on and on. I miss the day to day small things about my friendships. I miss seeing them. Why do we all have to be so far away? I wish with every fiber of my being that I remain friends and remain close with each and every single friend of mine. It's an unrealistic wish, but they're wishes for a reason. The mere thought of losing a friendship... just hurts. I know I don't make this daily or even weekly effort to speak to with those I care for, but I like to think that they know how much I care. I like to think that they don't need us to have routine talks to show how much we care for each other. And I know that is funny to hear coming from me, considering I can't shut up sometimes. Real friendship comes from a deep understanding and a connection that goes beyond words. I love you all immensely, more than this little silly blog could ever convey.

So with my 23rd year, I hope to actually figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to meet new people. I want to maintain the amazing frienships I have. I want to find love, or at least find more than infatution. I want to find something to be passionate about. I want to find my adventurous side. I want to fully and completely love my life, every iota. I want to squash my insecurities. I want to improve my weaknesses and get rid of my less than desirable qualities. I want to be the best me that I can be. And maybe even more. Big task I got ahead of me. Hopefully, with help from destiny, fate, family, friends, and maybe a supreme being, I'll have more than enough years and all the resources I need to achieve it. But really, even if I don't achieve it, the mere fact I'm trying is achievement enough.

love does wonders for the heart

2006-03-02T12:46:00.000-05:00

Random: Came across this in my photos... I haven't changed too much I think. :-)

I look forward to having some cute kids of my own some day. If only I could find the right man... :-P

David, Lee's boyfriend, is coming and staying with us for TEN straight days. I actually like the guy, he is resourceful and all about getting the most "bang for your buck." But, this is an all girls apartment... so let's see how we fare with having an XY in a word of XXs for 10 days. He might be coming back to Texas with more than just a bone contusion!

I read a pretty interesting article on Europe's issues with multiculturalism. Give it a gander. Whenever I think back to my time in Denmark, I think very happy thoughts. I praise Denmark for many things - culture, design, history, their passion for every thing Danish, and in general, the great vibes the city of Copenhagen gives off. BUT, I always also bring up one of it's major problems - racism. They scoff at us for our issues with gay marriage, but they have issues with figuring out a way to co-exist and RESPECT those of the Islamic faith. Don't misunderstand me, and think all Danes are racist, because they aren't (duh!), but it is a problem in some areas, especially those of the upper middle and upper class. I heard a few awfully alarming stories while I was there, and this article brings up some good points about the lack of tolerance spreading across Europe. Remember, multicultural and multiethnic societies are NOT the same thing...

Excitement, I played the lottery and matched 4 out of 5 numbers and won $150. Just think, if I had matched 4 and the Mega Ball, that would have been $10,000. Or if I had matched 5 without the Mega Ball, that would have been $250,000! Or... if I had matched all 6! $270 MILLION! But alas, I can live with 4 out of 5. As a math major, I know just how lucky I got. :-) And you can bet your ass I am going to be extra frivolous with this money. Wait, what's that? I can't hear you! Did you say I need NEW SHOES? Oh wait, or did you mean a NEW PURSE? Oh you said new shoes AND a new purse? Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell! (And purses and shoes.)

Well, I have decided to go to North Carolina again. I am extremely excited. Sun, sand, and the endless ocean. Is it May yet? :-)

Good quote: "I have friends who live and die by the actuarial tables. It's all one big crap shoot."

Daniel and I have been speaking oodles more lately. He is going to India for a year though, AGAIN. Bah. I'm sure we'll keep in touch with GoogleTalk at least. Hey, supreme being, look after him. Keep him out of trouble.

Ian (whom I LOVE) just told me, out of the blue, that he loved me. :-D :-D :-D It's so nice to hear that. I honest to goodness feel some awfully cheezy warm and fuzzies. Really. How often do you tell the people you care about that you love them? Probably not enough. A few reminders every now and then does wonders for the heart.

acts of kindness

2006-02-27T00:39:00.000-05:00

Just feeling a little thoughtful as I silently curse the apartment for not having hot water.

The other day, I was just aimlessly thinking, filling in blanks with whatever mad-lib memory I could come up with. And it's not too difficult to eventually think of my accident, because I still think about it even though it's behind me. The hip is a reminder, as is the scar, and the limp, etc. I'm not going to rehash on that. What I remembered was this person I used to work with at Tinseltown, Josh. He was an usher and just the nicest guy. There was a southern charm to him, even though he was from PA like the rest of us I believe. You could see him holding doors and answering with "Yes mam" to women and just being that good guy that no guy disliked. I didn't know him super well, but at Tinseltown, you kind of know everyone. We weren't great friends or anything, just the occasional chat here and there when he would work his lone Sunday shift. Anyways, while I was at HealthSouth doing rehab, I got visits from my close friends and family - Becky, Hanni, Melissa and Jessica, Patton, Ian, mom, dad, etc. And a few people who I didn't quite expect, like Charlie and a few Vietnamese people, although I wasn't surprised by them either. But Josh, he visited me all by himself. No one else there to take the awkwardness out of a tough situation. It's hard to see people destroyed and damaged and undeserving of their current life state. I was so touched that he visited me, because I felt I wasn't even a blip on his friendship radar. So to see him was just shocking and touching all at once and it felt like such a big deal. Yes, you could say, "Well Vonda, you got into an almost fatal accident and most kind normal people, whether friend, family, or acquaintance would feel compelled to visit and see how you were doing." And OK, I will give you that. But Josh... he went so above and beyond that. He was so sincere and heartfelt, telling me how upset he was to hear about this and how I didn't deserve this accident. Not only that, he asked around before he came to see me and tried to figure out what he could do to make me feel better and occupy my time. Do you know what he did? He went out and bought me the Cold Mountain DVD, and... Sex and the City Season 6, part 1 - the DVD I had been looking to buy right before my accident. I was floored. These are very thoughtful (and pricey) gifts. He did so much for me, a girl he saw once a week who chatted about aimless PA life. And... not only that... he also handed me a card and warned me there would be money in it. I couldn't take that money! But he wouldn't let me give it back or open it before he left. He said, I needed the money more, and since I wasn't working anymore, he would work for me. So the Sundays were now days he worked for me. I opened the card after he left... and well... I won't say the sum that was in there, but it was definitely several Sundays worth of work. I cried. I have never ever been hit with generousity like that before, especially from someone who didn't know me that well or love me unconditionally like family and friends. I cried for a while and finally, for the first time in several hard weeks, I felt truly optimistic. That memory is one I treasure and hold dear to my heart. I wonder where Josh is now. I think I need to do investigative work and dig and send him something. I don't think he knows how much he did for me. How his extremely small, but large, kind act altered my life.

It's moments like that that remind me how GOOD people can be. How great life can be. And how one thoughtful act can go a long way. I know this sounds so simple and trivial, but... be kind to everyone and especially thoughtful of those you care for. You never know who's life you might be changing.

relax

2006-02-23T23:12:00.000-05:00

Several four letter expletives come to mind as I absorb the fact that my favorite on American Idol was just voted off. Boo to that! And yes, before you ask, "Well did you vote for him?" Oh course I did! At least 100 times. I know you all might find me a little lame for being such a fan, but what can I say? I'm hooked. Patrick Hall, we hardly knew ye. Good luck with your career.

I look forward to a chill weekend with laundry, cleaning, and my first trip to IKEA in ages. Relaxation is something I can't get enough of.

Everyone and their mothers and brothers and sisters and fathers have a birthday in March and April. I just went to Hallmark and purchased 10 birthday cards. Eight of those have been claimed already. Two are in cases, since again, EVERYONE seems to have a birthday around this time. Including me. :-)

Here's to hoping 23 is a ton more fun than 22.

genuis

2006-02-18T14:37:00.000-05:00

Had a super fab dream. Well not SUPER FAB, but nice. And I actually remembered it, which hasn't happened in a few weeks. Anyways, I see ______, whom I had a crush on all through high school, but never really talked to often enough. Actually, if you don't want to be bothered with trivial lame PG dreams about things that never were, I would just stop reading now. :-) Anyways, I was back in Erie, and we were just hanging out, and ______ then holds my hand and gives me a tender kiss on the head, the cheek, and then the lips. That's about it. It was nice. Then my brain short circuited the whole dream morphed into some action thriller without ______ in it anymore. What a shame! :-P

My highest Boggle score to date: 45! And that was against John and Lisa, who I consider to be pretty decent with their words. I was just beastly last night.

I was thisclose to being shipped to Houston for an on-site job for a week in March. But it fell through, so... another time, Texas, another time...

My leg/hip is being funny... enough to alarm me. But I can't tell if it's a true problem or just an issue with the nor'easter/blizzard, and the now ridiculously freezing temps with the crazy winds. I am really affected by the weather, so... I should do my best to stay calm about my aches. Regardless, I should find a new orthopedic surgeon. Any recommendations out there for the Boston area?

I can't get Hopelessly Devoted to You out of my head. Blame it on American Idol.

First movie of 2006: Something New. It wasn't too bad actually. But I always enjoy a good chick flick.

Do you think you are a genius? Take this test and find out! In case you were wondering, I am a genius. ;-)

all about family

2006-02-14T00:51:00.000-05:00

Our apartment is full of love. Third grade Valentine's Day love. I think us in our PJs with our kick ass Valentines is the best way to start this day of love. Lee and Lisa are practically like sisters to me. You wouldn't believe how much time we spent on those cards... probably too much time. But we're worth it. :-) (Also, holla to Franny for those wicked awesome pajamas! Sock monkeys rule!)

And now, you can see my sister Marissa and my wonderful niece Alexis. How cute are we?

And just to let you all know, the females are the ones with the brains and strength in my family. On both sides. :-)

Thank you's go out to my best friend Becky and Tony, Franny, and the Mullers for their wonderful Valentines that I got in the mail. And of course to my awesome cousins for the homemade cards chocked full of love.

I'm still looking for my valentine... are you him? :-)

Happy Valentine's Day!

nj sucks!

2006-02-06T02:27:00.000-05:00

It's official. I hate New Jersey, especially NJ Transit. NJ bus drivers are mean and crochety. NJ bus riders are rude, potty mouths, and look like they either want to beat you up or mug you. And NJ, or at least Newark, is very run down and just not that great of a city. OK, so this isn't completely true of NJ, but my experience this weekend was definitely discouraging. The only funny story was when a 20something Latino sitting next to me on the bus struck up conversation, while drinking his Corona (!) and trying to light a cigarette (but no matches - shucks!). He asked, in his Mike Tyson voice, what my nationality was. When I said Vietnamese, he asked what that was... and when I explained how Vietnamese is Asian, he asked if we Asians were all the same. When I explained about how we are all apart of the Asian continent but very much our own cultures, he told me that I really taught him something new. And that he hoped to continue to learn new things and that I really helped him. Yes, people, I just taught a man how not all Asians are the same. Needless to say, NJ sucks.

Seeing my sister was pretty cool. She looked great! My niece Alexis is quite a pill. :-) I've only seen her once since she became of age to remember me, and I was in a hospital bed, looking like death. I love her for her forwardness. When talking about my sister's boyfriend, my 7 year old niece's opinion of him was, "Matt's lame!" And she spent most of dinner kicking me, poking me, and trying to get my attention. She also then gathered up rain in her hands and smeared in on my jacket. I hope that means in a kid way that she loves me too. You know, punch and kick someone because you like them. Right?

Way to go Steelers! I was psyched to see Hines Ward get the MVP. When you're a WR and play for a team like Pittsburgh, you don't get as much love. They are a running team, and as Ian said, they make WRs block. Crazy, huh? How about that gadget play? Just great. :-) I am pretty sure Mitch and all those crazy Pittsburgh fans are never going to stop smiling. Or at least not until the buzz wears off.

My cousin Linda (who is 2 months younger than me) is getting married in April. The wedding is in Austin. I haven't decided if I am going yet. It depends on who in the family is attending. Anyways, that isn't the part that is important. :-P Using Tom's description, I've got a slightly serendipitous chance to see Daniel for the first time in 5 years (actually an anniversary, since we met almost 5 years ago to that exact same week in Alaska). Should lead to interesting results. I think? :-)

I'm rewatching SNL and it's actually pretty good. Steve Martin isn't half bad. And, surprisingly, I am incredibly impressed with Prince. Enough to maybe go and get more of his stuff. Music, music, music. It's all I got lately. I am seeing James Blunt and Jamie Cullum in March. Awesome. :-)

Huge pet peeve: when people walk way in front of me. Yes, I have always walked slow. But now, I actually have an excuse. My walking is pretty decent these days, but I still gimp occasionally, especially where there is any sort of precipitation. Also, I am still short. I do not walk fast nor take long strides. When you are walking with me, please walk WITH me, not in front of me. Walking alone, 5-10 feet behind someone(s) is not what I call a good time. The most I will tolerate is a "Tom Muller cripple walk": you walk fast and then realize you are starting to leave me behind and stop to wait for me and then struggle to walk slow. At least I know you are trying to walk painfully slow because you actually want to walk WITH me and care. OK that's my last vent for this entry. Promise.

It's been an incredibly long weekend. Ups and downs, but for the most part, more ups than downs and that is what counts. And I won Scrabble again. The word that saved me: ninja. Can we say triple word score? Oh yeah! :-)

If you're bored, you should check out PostSecret. Maybe you'll see your secret.

a new year

2006-01-30T00:54:00.000-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR! May all you dogs have a most wonderful birth year.

American Idol has started. Lisa Tucker is my talent vote. Garet Johnson is my sentimental vote. I love this show. Scrubs has also been amazing, especially their 100th episode, which was like the Wizard of Oz.

Derrick subletted my apartment. He rocks! Now I am down to just one rent. Thank goodness.

I've been calling my mom and dad more often. They seem very happy to hear me call home. I also called all my aunts and uncles to wish them a Happy New Year. It was tough though because my Vietnamese is shaky and Bac Dien scolded me for it. He suggested that I start calling people every Saturday and Sunday and practice my Vietnamese, especially calling him. I also called Bac Nghia, and she asked if I went to church still, and considering she is a nun... I couldn't lie. Especially since it was the first day of the year! Lie the first day, lie every day. That has been our line lately, ______ the first day, ______ every day. Lee's was "Study the first day, study every day." I also checked in on my Uncle Thai and the kids. And my brother, who is starting off the year great. He has decided to go back to school, for business administration. I am not sure if I am totally into that choice of major. I think Phys. Ed. would be much better suited for him. He loves kids, coaching, and Phys. Ed. But I will support what he wants. It's just good to see him take a direction, finally.

We went bowling at Jillian's last week and it was BALLS expensive. Three people, two games per person, and shoe rentals cost us $45. SHEESH! But it was really nice to get out. Plus I wore my awesome new shirt and we all looked really nice and polished and having fun. I lost in bowling, but redeemed myself in Scrabble. The word of the night was Lee's: indicate.

The Colts-Steelers game was... heart breaking. I was in tears practically. My emotions were absolutely haywire, especially with that last minute fumble. Stupid kicker. And Peyton, stop choking. You're killing me. We were at Tom's watching it, and man, it was just one crazy game. I think Tom was going to explode when that fumble happened. I don't think I have ever seen the man looked that shocked. Anyways, I bet you all think I would be rooting for the Seahawks, but I am rooting for the Steelers. They are my number two team and I really want them to take one home to Art Rooney. Let's go Steelers!

Marissa, my half-sister, is going to be on The Today Show on February 4th. She is promoting the book that an author wrote about her being a military wife. I am very psyched for her. My cousins and I are going to NJ and then taking the bus into NYC to visit her. I can't wait to see her. I haven't seen her since I was in the hospital, when she came and saved my life, really. She took care of my legal and financial issues right after my accident and I really can't thank her enough for being there for me. I think that momoent really cemented our sisterhood, when she drove 15 hours from NC to be there for me in PA. I realized just how much we really are family, even if we haven't been sisters our whole lives. I only wish her happiness. :-)

Visiting NJ will be great because we will get to see Lee and Lisa's cousins Marcella (6 months old) and Michelle (10 years old). Marcella is the cutest baby ever. She is so good and hardly cries and is just great. Michelle is smart and very good. We played Scrabble together, with me using all 7 letters for the word "wrangler." They were great and their parents were so nice. Seeing Marcella makes me wonder when I will find someone and start my own family. I also thought about that when my uncle asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I said no, he told me I needed to get one soon. :-P Sheesh. You're preaching to the choir, Bac Dien, preaching to the choir. Although I did get hit on while waiting for the T. It was some older man, and he gave me his number, which I promptly threw out. He was creepy. Any nice, YOUNG men out there looking for a most fabulous crazy Asian? Inquire within.

Also, I realized this weekend, I did not get closure.

Three TV recommendations (in order of current awesomeness): 1. Grey's Anatomy 2. The Office 3. Scrubs. Really, I watch a lot of TV and these three are just amazing and continue to evolve and grow and get better.

Federer rocks my socks off. Kudos on winning the Australian Open. You are my king.

Lisa is leaving in March and it sucks, because she is like a best friend/sister to me. I'll still have Lee, whom I love equally, but she is gone a lot. I need to make new friends. But it's a struggle. That's the problem with big cities - all the people in the world, and yet you still feel incredibly lonely.

Also, talk about chance encounters, I ran into Tara Peters on the T. How awesome is that?! She lives a few stops down from me. I seriously need to call her sometime. At this point, I am expecting to all of a sudden run into someone from gradeschool or something with my string of encounters with past friends. :-)

Long update. Hope it satisfied you readers. If you're looking for a laugh and know who John McEnroe is, check this out!

the power of the internet

2006-01-13T00:55:00.000-05:00

One blog about an old yearbook entry led to interesting results... anyways...

So we almost died... Kind of. Or not really. :-) Our building alarm went off for about 20 minutes before I even heard it. And I only heard it because I was hot and woke up and THEN heard it. It started around 1am and didn't stop until after 2:30am. A call to 911 let me know that it was an alarm malfunction, but still, the moment I realized the building alarm was going off, I panicked internally. After we found out everything was OK, we crawled in to bed, and I felt sick to my stomach. Weird reaction, considering that I'm not one to get nauseous. We crawled into my bed and tried to sleep, but three grown girls in a full size bed, laying horizontally in a hot bedroom equals not a lot of crazy fun. I should have called our management company and complained profusely about how it took 1.5 hours. Jeez.

The weather in New England is out of control. It is just too warm. I didn't even wear a winter jacket today. Just my new denim jacket. And it's still going to be warm over this weekend. We will be in Jersey and then NYC. But with my luck, it's 90% chance of rain on Saturday. Seriously, every time I go to the city, it ALWAYS rains. What a crappy string of luck. But there could be worse things in life.

Small world: I am taking a class for my exam, and one of the guys I am taking it with actually knows John and lived on the same floor their freshman year. Really... what a small world.

Shopping at Wrentham and Solomon Pond this past weekend was nice and a little out of control. I am not allowed to shop for at least a few weeks. :-) Browsing always turns into buying for me. Not that I regret my items. We also played Scrabble, where I lost twice. They were such low-scoring games, too. We were also distracted by the Pats game.

Man, I am really into football right now. The Rose Bowl was AMAZING. We went out to a sports bar/restaurant by Fenway and were obnoxious and really into the game. Then we came home and fretted. We screamed the moment Vince Young ran in that last touchdowns. Screamed like little girls. Daniel was nice enough to text me with updates and then call me as everyone sang the UT fight song. It was very cool. One of the most exciting games I've seen in a while. As for the NFL, my stomach is in knots over the Colts and Steelers game. Ugh, I like them both, but my allegiance lies with Peyton. Don't break my heart, Peyton! :-)

"What's that Matt, I can't hear you -- I have a Heisman in my ear." Oh Will Ferrell, you rock my world. Too bad you were rooting for the wrong team, but still... you crack me up.

Random thought about the past: How can someone not like Zoolander? And as for the past, I feel like it keeps creeping up on me. I look back so much, I should just install a permanent rear view mirror to my head. :-P (Sex and the City line, in case you thought that was funny.)

Time for bed... Today is Friday the 13th... This day was meant for freaky occurences. I can't wait to see what it has in store for me.

i love funerals

2006-01-02T23:48:00.000-05:00

Wham, bam, the new year is here. 2006 came in with not so much a bang, but a soft clap. It was very chill at Tom's in Stanford. I am never going to try to plan New Year's again though. I realize that I am not one for the excessive nature of New Year's and never will be. Although, jokingly enough, my New Year's resolution was to drink more. :-P

Vacation in Erie came and went with a lot of stuff going on. I met my two cousins, Vee (3) and Trung (10). My uncle will always call out "Vee Bui!" and I keep thinking that is me. She is very cute and sickenly talkative and heavily favored, since she is the youngest. I obviously love her, but I admit I do try to show a lot of attention to the older one. It's tough being the oldest! Anyways, they were great and I tried my best to spoil them with the movies, games, and lots of loving attention. Perhaps the funniest memories will be 1. Vee sticking a Battleship peg up her nose and not telling us about it until it hurt real bad and 2. Trung crying her eyes out because she thought she wouldn't get to say good bye to me. So cute. Vee loved my new Colts Santa hat. Aren't they adorable?

Unfortunately, Becky's grandma, Barbara McCormick died over the holidays. I've known her since I was 13 or 14 as well, so it was sad. But it was her time and she was suffering. I spent much of my vacation (after the little cousins left) with my second family, the Van Cleves. And you'd think that it wasn't fun, but really, I enjoyed the funeral festivites. I am just like my mother, who loves funerals. Although it was sad, funerals bring together family you wouldn't see otherwise, and you get to celebrate a great person. The only time funerals stink are the ones that involve accidental and shocking deaths. This was not one of them. I got to meet Uncle Clem, Cousin Scott (who is hot :-P), told Steve Irvin's dad that I used to have the hugest crush on Steve in 8th grade (verbal vomit is such a problem with me), saw several scary old BSS teachers and Sister Mary Alice (aggh!), and just schmooze with the best adoptive family around. Plus Sam visited from Vegas and it was great to see the alpha male of the cousins. He has shot up to a healthy 6ft 2in and might just grow up to be the most normal out of everyone, even though we tried our hardest to screw him up. :-) Here's a photo of us, going crazy with Becky's new G5.

It was great catching up with Ben. Back from Africa and as crazy as ever. Very ethnic! I also got to see Hanni, my biatch, who was as biatchy as ever. :-P But that's Hanni and I still love her. I'll make her suffer in March, though. Tom was Tom with an amazing apartment in Stamford. I can see why it costs $1,000 a month! Mom was mom, with her wonderful love and food. I've started telling her "I love you Mom!" in English and she will return with a gargled "... you too." in broken English. It's so cute. And Patton got me tons of Colts paraphenalia, so I can be incredibly obnoxious. And best of all, I got to see Becky, perhaps my female platonic soulmate. Here are a few awesome photos of us. This is us being thugs:

And now us being incredibly snarky and sneaky:

It was hard to leave Erie. Whenever I leave, I get a heavy feeling in my heart. But I push on because I know being in Erie too long would make me crazy and unhappy. I'd look like this:

Still, I can't help but miss my family and friends. I love you all.

Crazy new idea: Moving to California! I would do it if I won the lottery. I'd look like this if I did:

unresolved, awkward

2005-12-30T01:31:00.000-05:00

So much has happened over this break... or not much at all. It's hard to say. But I am not in the mood to tell you all right now... so instead...

Flipping through old yearbooks... found one that really... touched me...

Vonda,

It's been a lifetime, but it's over. Yikes!... Wonder what the future holds, though I don't really care. Best of luck being a dentist or engineer or whatever career you finally decide on. I don't doubt that you'll succeed with ease.

Believe it or not, your strict moral fiber many times saved me from going crazy. You were always reliable - whenever the world of self-exploration got to be too much (seriously, though, it is self-exploration), I could always rely on you to yell at me for being stupid. Without sarcasm, I thank you for that.

I ought to say more, thank more, explain more, but it doesn't seem right. So I'll just leave things how they are - unresolved, awkward - and let time erase it all steadily.

As for me, I'll be fine. When I get tired of what I'm not tired of just yet, I'll straighten out and become an honorable and upstanding citizen. Maybe. We'll see.

Happy vibes,
Brandon Macer

I admit, I got a little choked up reading that message. It was by far one of the most honest and REAL messages I received.

Wherever you are Brandon Macer... I hope you are alright.

idea of goodness

2005-12-13T00:29:00.000-05:00

Narnia was really good. I think I walked in with lower expectations, so I came out more than pleased. As I jokingly said to everyone, "It made the story of Jesus cool again." :-P It was very colorful and did justice to the C.S. Lewis classic. It reminded me why faith is so powerful and that at some point, religion had a greater purpose. I still won't go back to religion, but I admit, I still have great faith in idea of goodness and my ability to try to live up to the standard of good.

What I'd like for Christmas:
1. I don't really expect anyone to get my any of the following, but if you do, coordinate with someone to make sure you don't do repeats. So, any of the following TV DVD sets:
a. Charmed: Seasons 1-3 (I've mentioned this one to William)
b. Sports Night: Seasons 1-2 (comes in a complete set)
c. Will & Grace: Seasons 1-4
d. Friends: Seasons 1-10
e. The West Wing: Seasons 1-5
f. Gilmore Girls: Seasons 1-5
g. That 70's Show: Seasons 1-3
h. Family Guy: Seasons 1-3
2. Any sort of Nintendo (Original NES) games
3. To make out with "so and so" :-P
4. Any Colts paraphernalia (I love Peyton :-P)
5. Anything related to tennis (but nothing related to any Russian of any sort)
6. Really cool professional and cute and thick socks (I know... lame, who ask for socks?)
7. Really pretty, classy, and unique DANGLY earrings

I just bought my new TiVo. I can't wait to get it activated. Just in time for American Idol and Scrubs. Yessssssss. But I was not happy with Best Buy. Suckass.

I dwell on the past a lot. I bounce back well though. But again... the past the past the past. I need to learn to just let go or not revisit any silly ideas. It's just so hard!

This weekend is going to rock! Classy holiday party with a night spent relaxing at the pool and sauna at the Hyatt in Downtown Crossing. I cannot wait.

I cannot wait to go home. :-)

i know

2005-12-09T00:03:00.000-05:00

Best concert... ever. Fiona was just amazing. Her voice was just so rich and deep and etheral at times. She did 10 songs from Extraordinary Machine, 7 from When the Pawn..., and 3 from Tidal for a total of 20 songs, out of a possible 32 original. Do you realize how ridiculous that is? To sing that many songs? It was a little over 100 minute concert and the time just flew. Each person hung on Fiona's every word. You had to... she hardly said anything! Just to let us know that she was conceived here, although born in NYC, and the fact that she wrote one of her songs after she found out about the other woman and thanked that woman. I'd pay to see her again and again, especially if I were closer. :-P But even being far away, still an amazing experience.

I'm watching a special on Brokeback Mountain and I want to see it, even though I know that it's going to be absolutely heartbreaking. The purity I feel just watching a special on it... only makes me realize just how ridiculously wonderful and awful this movie will be.

This season institutes watching chick flicks, such as Love Actually and Bridget Jones. The only problem is that I watch those movies, love how I feel, and then realize I don't love anyone the way the chick flick movies make love out to be. Such a dilemma. Still waiting...

The Boston Actuarial Club networking event turned out to be loads of fun! I was worried it was going to be more older senior level actuaries than the younger ones. But it was a pretty healthy mix of both, possibly more young than old. I met actuarial students from John Hancock (through Jeff), Sun Life, Fidelity, and MetLife. By the end of the night, I was in a heavily Asian group, but it was OK. I'm Asian as well, so I technically have a lifetime membership, even if I am more banana in nature. :-) But I definitely would like to see more events like that. I was even invited to dim sum with some people. Who knew networking could be so fun?

I beat myself up easily. Not to sound like a little kid... but I could use a real, bear-like, soul-engulfing sincere, and heartfelt hug right now. One that just melts away your problems as you melt into another person.

It's December... the year is just almost through. A lot of self-evaluation happens. Have I lived this year sincerely? And thoroughly? Did I do my life justice? It's hard to say... it's all a blur, this blur called life.

age gap

2005-12-06T00:33:00.000-05:00

A conversation that exemplifies the age gap in my office:

Rob (28 years old): Yeah Providence has a really good basketball team. We once almost made it to the Final Four. But we lost to Arizona and they went on to be the champions.
Vonda (22 years old): Oh yeah! I remember that! I was in 8th grade when it happened.
Rob: No, it wasn't that long ago. It was in 1997.
Vonda: Yeah... I was in 8th grade at the time.
Rob: Oh wow! (Laughter) I was probably out at a bar!

Busy week. I have an actuarial networking event in the evening and then Fiona on Wednesday. Definitely an upward shift.

I like it.

With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you...

foul mood

2005-12-05T00:23:00.000-05:00

Honestly... without too much detail, I just want to say it was a bad weekend. Or at least the last few hours of it were. Could the world just get off my back? I wanted today to get some productive work done for my real life job and some chill time. Sunday is my day to be zen and get in the right mindset to begin the week. Today is MY DAY. Too bad everyone wanted me to do something else. The two worst being window sealer, cleaning the kitchen where dishes were over a week old, and just this and that. I don't think I've ever woken up in a foul mood as I have today. I get up and the first thing I hear is someone yelling at me. :-/

I haven't blogged in a while. Hmm. Think happy. Think happy. Well, Thanksgiving was nice. So much food, I thought I was going to die. We went pretty psycho. But John was an excellent chef and the food was fabulous. I contributed green bean casserole and stuffing - easy stuff. I'm not exactly the most graceful person in the kitchen.

My Scrabble wins are piling up. I've only lost to Lisa thrice, and she hasn't beat me since early November. We've discussed it and we've come up with a solution: she needs to learn how to play a balance of defense with offense. Making a good and valuable word that doesn't leave your opponents with a lot to work on. Offense won't always win you the game. Lee is also right up there. She'll get her first win someday. Scrabble is about 75% skill and 25% luck of drawing the high value letters.

Emerson's radio station 88.9 rocks. It is so crazy. They have very fun themed programs. Some nights it's reggae/hip hop. Others, it's musicals and movie sountracks. And sometimes all a capella. I bet there are more, but I'm only in my car so often. It's so diverse and not horribly mainstream. It's just what I need in the car. That and the soundtrack to Rent. I can't stop listening to it. :-)

Took Patrick for one last hurrah. Moe's and a movie and some SNL. Pretty typical. I know he will be pretty darn happy to leave this chapter behind and officially live the government worker life in Maryland. Whatever makes the man happy! Just as long as he stays in touch. I don't ask much of friends... just to stay friends.

Adrenaline is a bitch. I stayed up late Saturday night and it's going to bite me in the ass tonight, as my body isn't quite ready for sleep. But at least Mitch was up, so it gave me a distraction from listlessly staring into space.

I feel just... down right rotten. I've felt incredibly lonely this past week. This weekend even more so. I'm not sure what it is. And no one to talk to about it really. Everyone I would approach has definitely crossed me the wrong way this weekend. I think people forget how easy it is to hurt a friend's feelings. And how easy it is for the hurt friend not to say a single word. Defense mechanism, people. Self-preservation. What a vicious cycle.

i don't want a lot for christmas

2005-11-20T23:56:00.000-05:00

It needs to be Christmas time already! I can't wait to go home. I will get to see my newly engaged best friend and her wonderful husband-to-be. My stupid but lovable brother with my unconditionally loving and sacrificing mother. I'll see my judgmental biatch with a possibility of seeing my first ever queer peer, fresh from his trip to Africa as well as my favorite redhead. And, AND, an unexpected hang out session with a long lost witty and mildy otaku friend. :-) Now, there are also talks of possibly visiting my longest friend for some New Year's celebration. Ladies and gentlemen, this, THIS RIGHT HERE, is why I love this season. Love actually IS all around.

Seth, the new guy at work, gave me tickets to see Yamato. FRIGGIN AWESOME. They were so much fun. Yamato is a Japanese drum corp. They had us on edge from the moment the first beat hit the auditorium. They were humorous, engaging, mesmerizing, and just great entertainment. I would definitely pay to see them again.

But the best part of the week and weekend, without a doubt, was HARRY POTTER. It was imperfect but I think essentially captured the humanity of the novels. Mike Newell did a great job injecting humor and the awkwardness of adolescence and it had the theatre laughing all over the place. I am DEFINITELY seeing it again. If anyone out there wants to see it with me, you know where to holla. Best line of the entire movie: "Oh my god, I've killed Harry Potter!"

Thanksgiving is going to be awesome. Lisa and John are doing the heavy cooking and I will contribute where I can. :-) We will have the Worcester apartment to ourselves and it will be very nice. This Thanksgiving will more than make up for any bad memories I may have of this holiday. Food, friends, love, and rest and relaxation! It needs to be Wednesday evening... NOW!

Great dream this weekend. The person I was totally macking on morphed into someone random that I hardly know. But hey, you go with the flow. Still, it would have been nice if it had stayed the FIRST guy because he is wicked cute and definitely someone of interest. No worries, my dreams are always ridiculously PG-13. Which really... kind of sucks. :-P

I shouldn't be allowed to be this excited. I'm like a friggin' little kid getting her first Barbie. It's time to whip out the Christmas music, people... 103.3 all the time in my car! All I want for Christmas is you!

freak flag

2005-11-14T23:25:00.000-05:00

So Harry Potter was sold out on opening night. Those Bostonians really get their tickets early. Damn them. So I will have to wait a day to see it. I already have my tickets for 7pm on Saturday at Loews Boston Common. Plus, the cute concession guy sold me my tickets. Not a bad day at the movies. :-P

Oh boy. The week went by in a blur, like most days in life. Foxwoods, laundry, shopping, William getting a job where he gets paid more than me (Mazel tov!), Moe's, discovering an amazing park in Worcester, and just relaxation and dominance in Scrabble. But, I'm feeling a little affected lately, and at this point I'm not sure what the fix is gonna be. I'm trying to keep busy and trying to keep up some cheer. Maybe I should switch my ring tone to my miracle worker, All I Want For Christmas Is You. But it's too early still. I'd get a lot of evil stares from people.

I don't want to say it's the weather that is affecting me because I've lived with these conditions all my life. But Lisa isn't doing as well. She seems down a lot of the time. She didn't even want to celebrate her birthday! But we are. And I have her very excited about Harry Potter. I am going to need to be more creative to bust seasonal affected disorder this season. I'm fighting it for three of us.

New guy at work. But I am still the youngest. Seth is 28 or 29. Rob is 28, Olivia almost 30. Yes people, I am my own island at work. The island of YOUTH! :-P

Why can't I live down south, like NC or Florida? Hurricanes. Why can't I live on the west coast, like Cali? Earthquakes. Why can't I live in the midwest? Tornadoes (which has been beastly this season). Why CAN I live in New England? Blizzards. They are by far easiest to survive.

Sexiest flirty comment made by a male: "Wow... your hair looks like it'd be a lot of fun to play with." Really... that one is the best I've heard in a while. Just enough to plant an image and a strong vibe without coming on too strong or too sleazy.

Apparently, at 5am, I am at my most lovable. According to Daniel at least. I find it so funny that 4.5 years ago, I was the one professing love. But I was sober. He wasn't. :-P Still, I make fun of him for being me in our friendship and now I've become him. It's nice to turn the tables. TAKE THAT! :-)

I haven't gotten a real good hug in so long. A hug that just instantly comforts you regardless of how you're feeling. I've only known two or three people who know how to do that. Man, I wish they lived closer to me.

Mad props to CNN. Why? For putting Anderson Cooper on at 11pm. I'm getting my nightly taste of news with a side of hunk.

I need to meet new people. And when I do, I am going to fly my freak flag.

number 18

2005-11-07T12:12:00.000-05:00

Waking up early sucks. But the plus side is that you get to work really early and so you're allowed to leave a little early. Amazingly, I am not that tired even though I couldn't sleep last night (fell asleep around 2am) and woke up at 6:55am to catch the T with Lee at 7:20am. With bad weather on it's way, I guess it's better than I get accustomed to getting up early so as to not get caught in transportation woes in the winter. Especially since our company is moving buildings and our new home is not super duper close to any T-stop. :-( Which has me sad, because walking in the snow and on uneven surfaces wreaks havoc on my hip. But I will deal. Plus it's a year later and I am a lot better, so I will tough it out. Winter only lasts... FOREVER. :-P

I also want to work on actually making a better daily appearance. I shower each night, because I am too lazy to get up in the morning to shower, and just sleep and let me hair air dry. In the morning, it looks disasterous, and I just pull it back and say whatever. Let me say, I look like crap. OK, maybe not complete crap, but a little below par I have to say. I am going to set a goal for myself to do my hair at least once a week and put on a pair of dressy earrings and really feel good about myself. I'm already ahead of myself because I've done my hair two days in a row. Let's see if I can stay consistent.

I am watching Peyton Manning and he is just so good. He has finally broken that awful streak of being New England's bitch. Damn it's hot to see him on his mark. And really, all of you haters who think I am bandwagoning it or just in it for the wins or the hotness that is Peyton, can suck it. :-P As I told Bisol, I've been a fan of the Colts since the days of Jim Harbraugh. And if you don't know who that is, then you have no right to hate me. :-P But I will admit Indy wasn't my number 1 team until two or three seasons ago. I used to be a Steelers's girl first, but Peyton and his offensively charged Colts really changed me. But I still lustifully root for Big Ben and The Bus. Peyton has my heart though, and as far as I can tell, he doesn't plan on fumbling it anytime soon. :-)

Tomorrow, I put in my co-worker Rob's magnus opum of mix CDs into my MP3 player. I look forward to hearing what he's got. We've got some differing tastes, but we've also got a taste for that something different. I hope to find some new artists. Also, with such a personal mix, it really gives me an idea of the type of person he is. Music never fails to give insight into someone's soul.

Day by day, I take my little steps. I've set some goals. And I feel the funk lifting by a little bit every day. It wasn't a heavy funk, just some vibes in the passing. If you don't continually make home improvements during your life, you might structurally collapse wihout notice.

I strive to always live passionately. Even if it's passionately unhappy. :-P

truly happy

2005-11-07T00:28:00.000-05:00

AND I FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!

My best friend in the whole wide world just got engaged to the man who makes her truly happy. I am so happy for them and so proud of her for taking control of her destiny and finding the epicenter of happiness AKA Tony. :-) CONGRATULATIONS!!

And that only drives home the fact that yes... we are indeed growing up. Or maybe, we are already grown up. Are we adults?

Quite possibly. :-)

masochist

2005-11-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

Still an emotional wreck.

It's been 8 years since you left. You left a lifetime too early. I still think of you warmly and with less sadness. I sincerely hope there is something other than heaven to go to, because I know you would want another shot at life. And you deserve it. I'll always remember you at my window that last time. I'll always remember you. RMK - 11.5.97

John took me to a Bruins game! We were four rows back from the ice. It was awesome. The Bruins won and were pretty good. I sat next to this strange, but adorable 8 year old. When we were getting into our seats, John spilled the kid's drink all over the floor. I offered to pay for it but his dad said it was OK. I tried to talk it up with the kid and you know, be nice and cordial, but he was resisting me. He said something, must have been muttering to himself, and I asked him "What?" and he just said to me very forcefully and almost annoyingly "NOTHING!!" Haha, I had to laugh. It was so right on for an 8 year old to say. But like all cool kids, he warmed up to me and starting making jokes to me about what we should do to the other team. His favorite was, "We should throw donuts at them!" Pretty good game! I even caught a free Smirnoff T-shirt, but gave it to these other 8-10 year olds sitting behind us. They looked sooo happy and their mom kept thanking us profusely, which is funny since they were Smirnoff shirts and well they were 10. :-P

Scrabble has caught on in our apartment. Lee, Lisa, and I went to Worcester and invited Patrick over for Scrabble. I dominated and decimated. It was very fun. :-P But we played again last night and damn the letter Q! Lisa got all her tiles out first and got 18 points from us, which was enough to put her over me Lee couldn't do anything with the Q and so those 10 points went to Lisa... which lead us to find out that there is a U tile missing which is very very bad). I will avenge that loss! :-) We also played Scattergories Friday night, but the gap between Lisa and Lee's and Patrick and I's scoring capabilities was almost a 10 point differential. But in the end, I won overall, with the most points. It was a good winning night for me.

Saturday was beyond gorgeous. Honestly, it was a day that made you really feel alive. I know that sounded cheesy, but really, it was one of the most gorgeous days of this entire year. Whenever the weather surprises you like that, you just feel absolutely buzzing with energy. Too bad it's going away oh so soon...

Lee coming with us was great. She realized how much fun we had and how important it is on the weekends to actually DO something besides work and study. I am very adamant about my leisure time. I hate thinking that a whole weekend could pass where I didn't do anything. Even if it's just dinner, or a movie, or playing board games, or seeing a play, or ANYTHING. Just as long as you do something other than what you do during the weekday. And if what you do during the weekday is work, study, and cook, then you are not allowed to do ANY of that on the weekend. :-) It's the only way to get through life sanely.

I had a dream last night where this person, who I used to think I was "in love" with, kept disappointing me and never doing what he promised... and kept me in tears for most of the dream. And yet in the end, I still took him back. I kept forgiving him. Why? What does this mean? It's not like he ever treated me badly in real life (except for the whole taking me for granted thing)... we still speak often these days and I think our friendship is at a perfect level for us. Why am I dreaming this? Am I thinking of someone else and just plucked this person in his role? I woke up very confused and partially upset because I was in tears mentally. And I was running a lot, running towards him, with my limp of a leg. I even remember realizing that this was a dream and that I was almost going to wake up. But I pushed myself to keep sleeping because I wanted to see if he would somehow redeem himself. I am a masochist. I just keep coming back for more, thinking things will change. I swear, sometimes I worry myself, thinking that I could end up being that woman in some abusive relationship. Or that I could be my mom. :-( I need to be stronger...

My parents approached me with a very very overwhelming financial burden. And I don't know what to do. And I hate that they know I try to be a dutiful daughter and do what they ask, because they are my parents. They always say that they aren't telling me to do anything, but they know that I easily guilt myself into filial piety. It isn't fair. When do I get to be completely free from their range? I always thought that I wouldn't have to worry about taking care of my parents until old age. But guess what? There's a loophole in my case: Mine are already old. And I am not quite old enough. Sometimes I think I will never be old enough.

Ick. This blog entry seems so down. But it shouldn't be! I had a great weekend! And I had spring rolls for dinner tonight which is my FAVORITE! But sometimes a small action or a lack of action can steamroll you into an abyss of tears and angry resolve. Oh, that and an emotionally draining Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy.

Life wouldn't be life if we didn't get a helping of tears every now and then. Better to healthily spread it out rather than binge. Just like you wouldn't want an eating disorder, you don't want a crying disorder either. :-P

I am at my most masochistic when thinking of you.

plate of life, hold the tears!

2005-11-01T22:21:00.000-05:00

Um, something is off. I am emotional. But I am not unhappy. Just emotional. Today, I was reading an article about some boy who had an inoperable brain tumor. He got his last wish, which was to call the first play of the Notre Dame game, although he didn't survive to see it. I was reading it at work, and I teared up! I was in tears! THAT IS NOT NORMAL. I feel almost as if I am back in my wheel chair and the emotions are flying high. Except I'm free to do whatever and I feel 97.5% like myself (because really are you ever sure that you are 100% yourself?). So why am I almost on the verge of crying? I am currently listening to Alicia Keys Unplugged and there are two songs that make me very emotional when I hear them - If I Ain't Got You and her cover of Wild Horses with Adam Levine of Maroon 5. I am honestly choked up, really moved, even though I have heard these songs a million times. And I am on the T when I listen to my music so it's very hard to keep it together and not look like a fool. Why am I all out of funk? I'm a sine curve of emotions lately. :-P Where is it coming from?

It's Indian summer here in Boston and it's beautiful. It's worth it to live in Boston, just for these few days where it's positively breathtaking outside. If only it lasted a little longer. Snow is coming. It already previewed the other day. Worst part was that I didn't even have a snow brush in my car, so I have to use my cane to get the snow off my back windshield. I knew that cane would come in handy. :-P No worries, a trip to Target produced a snow brush, as well as a mini shovel. I am fully equipped to make winter my bitch.

I just realized that my pumpkin looks a lot like Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Blame Becky for the implant into my brain. :-)

Ick. Alito? Thanks, GW for putting another white male on the board. The man may be qualified, but the fact that everyone knows how he bats doesn't really seem to make it a very unifying choice for the Supreme Court. Do I want a fillibuster? ::shrug:: I admit, as I continue to keep reading and learning about politics, I become more and more disenchanted with it all. Republicans, Democrats - they're all equally bad. I am starting to understand the viewpoint of apathy a little more. But I'll never be that type of person. Caring and hating it is better than being ignorant and inactive.

Maybe I'm missing something. Is it something cheesy like love? Or is it something more? But how much bigger can you get than love? I don't know. But I need to find it quick, because I can't keep crying. I'm not even sad! Is my subconcious trying to tell me something? Yeah. I just want to be loved. There I said it. This is me being a little angsty. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. That's right, I just quoted Moulin Rouge. I hope you understand the extent of my emotional turmoil!!!!!!! AGH!!!!

a little lost

2005-10-30T22:47:00.000-05:00

I had a dream last night. The details are pretty fuzzy, as always. But I remember being in my bathing suit and showering at some store. And then I thought that security was going to come and kick me out but instead they were looking for someone else. And as I was hightailing it out of the store, two people are there helping me. They are essentially the same person in my life, except one represents the past and the other represents the present. And maybe my subconcious wishes that somehow they will morph into a future. But, although they are supposedly there to help grab clothes and a towel, really they are just there to be there, doing nothing. I end up lost in my dream, on the road, not knowing how to get back home. And not getting help or guidance from the two people. I think they eventually disappear and I am all alone, in the darkness, driving aimlessly. And I'm in my bathing suit. Essentially naked and without the security of clothes or the security of someone to be there for me. What am I looking for? Why can't I find my way home? What do those two people represent? Where the heck am I going? I love dissecting a vague dream. Or maybe I love dissecting my life. But each time, when I go to put it all back together, I still am not sure if I'm seeing the big picture.

And here is the result from my pumpkin carving experience...

It's very simple, and I like it. I love this season. And I cannot wait to go to Target tomorrow to rape the Halloween chocolate at half off. And to get apple cider. So yummu.

Jon Stewart was pretty awesome. He is very very funny. It was a good vibe and he talked about everything I wanted him to talk about - Scooter, Bush, Kerry, religion, dog vomit. :-P I would highly suggest you all to see him sometime.

I don't think I will ever like drinking. Or alcohol. It's tolerable at best. And I suck in a drinking party atmosphere, especially if I am not in the mood. I wish I had a better party spirit but I just always think I could be doing something better. I need some formal training on how to party. Any professors out there looking for some moonlighting and trying to help me be zen in the drunk party atmosphere?

Time for bed. The early bird gets more of her work done. So, I will end on good news: My student loan payment per month is $115. Yessssssss.

umbrella hell

2005-10-25T21:07:00.000-05:00

Nor'easter: A cyclonic storm occurring off the east coast of North America. These winter weather events are notorious for producing heavy snow, rain, and tremendous waves that crash onto Atlantic beaches, often causing beach erosion and structural damage. Wind gusts associated with these storms can exceed hurricane force in intensity. A nor'easter gets its name from the continuously strong northeasterly winds blowing in from the ocean ahead of the storm and over the coastal areas.

Damn these nor'easters! They are killing umbrellas! Mine survived barely. And let me say I have seen umbrella hell, aka a garbage can full of broken umbrellas by government center, and I refuse to let my umbrella succomb to being just another prisoner of hell! We will persevere.

Hanni is coming. I cannot wait to see my biatch. The gal who introduced me to Boston is returning! If only she would stay forever. Or at least longer than 3 nights. And then back to Erie she goes or else she will turn into a pumpkin.

I got a text message today that said, "Jane* is not dead. She works at the Plymouth." I am not using her real name just in case she comes across this blog due to the fact that she has a unique name. The Plymouth is this decent pub/restaurant in Erie. She must be waitressing. Anyways, it was good to know she was alive somewhere. No report on if she has any kids though. This girl used to be my best friend, in gradeschool, pre-Becky. It's actually because of her that I met Becky really, which became a problem the moment Becky and I realized that we had a real friendship forming. But, anyways, Jane was riding the wrong track and almost dragged me along. Even though we really lost touch, I always have warm regards for her and hope that she somehow turns her life around. She always told herself that she would never end up like her siblings or parents. She is a good person, just... never found herself exactly. Hope she finds what she is looking for.

I need a sensitive male in my life. I am trying to think of one... and really... I do not have one. Every male friend I have is sarcastic, very "I'm a man and I'm not into the mushy stuff!" or just very neutral and will listen, but rarely is ever able to relate to anything drama-ish or an upset Vonda. I guess that is what I have my girl friends for. Still, it'd be nice to have a better balance.

I brought back my nintendo. We played some Super Mario Brothers 3. I rule. Lisa... so so. I am looking for a worthy partner. There aren't many as flawless as I am. :-P Let me know if anyone is up for some real competition.

If I had time to actually dress up for Halloween, my dream costume would be: Me as Tina Turner and John as Ike Turner. We would go trick'r'treating together and he would slap me around. Haha, that visual has me laughing so hard right now. What's love got do with it?!

Day 1: Success.

never settle

2005-10-24T22:36:00.000-05:00

I cried. I thought I was immune to the tears. All day I watched everyone else cry. And I thought that I was so strong and that I was fine. But then the trigger was pulled. And the blood trickled in clear streams down my face. I am very angry with myself. I told myself a year ago that the moment I was able to live again, I would live for happiness and change the pattern I had weaved for myself. And I foolishly thought that I was actually changing and had somehow come out different from what I was before. But really when you strip away all the small physical changes - the accessories I had added to my life like location, vegetables, and new friendships - it is still what it was before. I am still making the same mistakes. And I am still thinking the same way and I am still hurting myself. It is never anyone else's fault, but my own. And I need to keep telling myself that. Blaming others for my own personal struggles and mental fist fights is just a crutch. I got rid of my real crutches a year ago and now, I need to get rid of the ones in my head.

I am burning this fabric out of my life. Killing this pattern forever. I refuse to wear it. I refuse to let it be me. I refuse to let what others think or don't think of me dictate my happiness. I refuse to let me get the best of me. I will never settle. Greatness will be mine.

what a weekend

2005-10-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

One word to describe me right now: drained. This weekend has been the most spontaneous and scariest in a while. It all started out amazing, with a trip to see Amy Tan. She signed my book and even wrote down my name on her pad of paper, because it was so unique. I felt so damn special. The following day, Lisa and I spent a while walking down to the wharf, watching the sunset, and then randomly decided to see Menopause: The Musical with John. We were the only young and non-white people in the entire theatre. Nonetheless it was pretty funny, but has me deathly afraid of menopause. :-P Saturday led us to King Richard's Faire where we got rained out. But we still enjoyed a few of the shows, the hugest turkey leg ever, and randomly ran into Boats and John Duel, and a former semi-resident, Dylan. We then met up with William, Laura, and Adam for a trip to Providence where we popped Laura's Fire+Ice cherry and cruised the mall. Lisa and I then did 6 loads of laundry. Yes, it was a packed weekend, and relatively fun weekend.

And then it got ugly.

Sunday morning, we got up and started making our delicious outmeal and bagels. And as Lisa was bending over, rummaging in the fridge, she said "Ow!" I was busy eating my oatmeal and, half listening, said what's wrong. She said her back hurt, and I thought OK, I will keep eating the oatmeal. And then... she just stood there, hunched over, silent. She then said something along the lines of "I feel funny" or something similar and that is when I took more notice. She was ready to keel over and faint. I rushed over and supported her as I yelled for William and Laura. We got her in a chair. After, Laura, my savior and the best human being for emergencies, began asking her questions as William called 911. Lisa was faint and weak and couldn't see through either of her eyes although they were wide open. It then got better when she could see shadows, but then again darkness, and then back to normal. The EMT arrived (as well as the fire dept!) and he started to check her out. She started to feel a little better and color returned to her face, as well as her vision. But we still went to the hospital to make sure. After several hours of sitting around, they just told her it was probably stress and to take it easy.

I am kind of ticked off that they did nothing really. They were crap and a half. She lost vision in both her eyes for at least a few minutes. That is not normal. The EMT who saw her said that in his 12 years working, he has never had a case where a reaction to pain was severe enough to cause transient vision loss. And she has never had this happen before. And she isn't stressed, physically or mentally really. She is so chill. The fact that she doesn't have medical insurance at the moment sucks because it makes me wonder if that is why they didn't have her get a CAT scan or an MRI or something more than peeing in a stupid cup. I am sure the excuse will also be because "It's Sunday" but that is bullshit. They didn't even recommend her to get more tests done when she got back to Boston. I am very nervous, thanks to John, because when he was in high school, he used to get fainting spells from random feelings of pain and lose vision temporarily. And you know what that ended up being? A BRAIN TUMOR.

I know Lisa will probably be fine, but still, I hate that they didn't run more tests. I am going to speak with her tomorrow and ask her if she wants to see a doctor and get more things done to be safe. I am working from home tomorrow to monitor her. I just want her to be and feel safe and secure. She has grown to be like a sister to me, as well as a best friend. Bad things are not allowed to happen to her. Do you hear that, supreme being??!?

Today really rattled us all. A lot. But not all the rattles were bad ones. It did make Lee realize that there is more in life than just studying. It even got her to say she was going to start hanging out with us more on weekends. :-) And I got my first ambulance ride where I was not strapped into a gurney. And I got a reminder of what life used to be like. Which only made me realize that... I have come a long way.

in addition

2005-10-19T23:33:00.000-05:00

Some parental advice coming from the person I consider closest to being an adult:

I saw your list of what to do incase you win the lottery. You made a few mistakes:
1. Get a lawyer who specializes in lottery winnings and interstate income tax issues.
2. Change your phone number.
3. Log off instant messagener.
Only after you complete those things do you get to do everything else in your list.

Thanks, Patrick, for being ever so responsible and aware. :-P Unfortunately, I am still as poor as I was before the lottery. I wonder if anyone won...

At 7pm, I get to meet my favorite contemporary author: Amy Tan! She is going to be at the Boston Public Library today and I am very excited to have her sign a book. I've read almost every book she's written and just absolutely adore her. I guess there is something I relate to in her Chinese-American mother-daughter stories. Go figure. ;-)

I've started letter writing and I forgot how tough it can be. But that's OK, I like a challenge. Congratulations, Adam, you are pen pal #2. And you nay sayers who find this lame and think it's silly to waste 37 cents on correspondence when email is free... All I can say is that you don't know the value of real communication.

Time inches slowly towards the weekend. Lisa and I are going to King Richard's Fair (anyone is free to come if they want to) and then vegging out in Worcester to do our loads and loads of laundry.

Last thoughts before bed: My AIM activity has increased over the past week or two. I think it's due to WPI fall break. People are bored and IM me. I don't know if I'm flattered or offended by it. :-P AND I just read my best friend's little sister's profile. She is 14 and I've known her since she was 5, and yes she is growing up, but I had no idea it had gotten to the point of ghetto nasty! Why do I say this? Because her profile had this line in it only: "Back seat windows up, that's the way we like to F***!" Damn, we went from Barbies and dress up to sex and gangsta love in a flash.

How quickly we grow up.

lottery

2005-10-18T22:22:00.000-05:00

Powerball: 340 million dollars! William, Laura, and I got tickets together and will split the winnings evenly. Well Laura might owe us each $100 for the whole puking incident, but that is another story! :-P

If I won the lottery... I would:
1. Do the most tacky thing... quit my job. It's not that I don't like it... just want to be free! Think Office Space.
2. Go back to school for an undergrad and grad in film or TV production or some sort of background area.
3. Pay off all my student loans, as well as my brother's and William's and Becky's and Lisa's and Lee's and etc. Whoever is deserving and very important in my life.
4. Give my mom a crap ton of money so she is free to be and do whatever she wants.
5. Give me brother money under the stipulation that he either go back to school for something or get a real full time job so as to get some direction in his life.
6. Give my dad money under the stipulation that um, he doesn't squander it and ruin it all again.
7. Give money to my family members and help them rebuild their lives.
8. Travel and spend a lot of time abroad.
9. Get amazing tickets to each Grand Slam in tennis.
10. Get season tickets for every sporting team in Boston.
11. Buy a condo in the heart of Boston that has a parking spot and have my cousins live with me.
12. Pay off my car loan.
13. Buy a house for my mom wherever she wants to live.
14. Give money back to WPI so I can get something named after me. If I were rich enough, I'd give enough money to get the Bartlett Building knocked down. :-P
15. Buy the latest technology. Basically spaz out at Best Buy!
16. Take Vietnamese speaking and writing classes.
17. Get a personal trainer and actually work out. Plastic surgery be damned.
18. Find a way to make my hip hurt as little as possible.
19. Starting writing again... plays, short stories, screenplays... whatever strikes my fancy.
20. Do whatever I want. Paying homage to Cartman, "I'll do what I want!"

So my chances are slim to none, but it's nice to dream... :-)

blah blah cancer blah blah

2005-10-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

Best news ever: Lisa decided to stay in MA for at least the rest of the year. AND! She might be committing to going to school here for a masters, so that would tack on another two years! Yes! I want to tell all those naysayers who told me that me bothering her and telling her to not leave everyday would just drive her right back to Texas were WRONG. :-) Now that I have Lee and Lisa in my life, it's really hard to imagine them NOT being around. They will eventually be going back to Texas someday, but at least not soon. But now I have to take her camping. That was a stipulation in the deal. Help, friends, help! I'm not a camper, so I need suggestions and fast. :-P

The NBA commissioner David Stern is instituting a "dress code" for players (which is something I'm not sure I agree with). Here was one really ridiculous response from a player, "Nuggets center Marcus Camby said he thought the league should give players a stipend if they are required to wear suits." A stipend? You've got to be joking. As a professional athlete, I would hope you had a wardrobe full of nice suits and shirts. A stipend! You already get paid millions of dollars as is! A STIPEND TO BUY CLOTHES THAT EVERY PROFESSIONAL (and average person) SHOULD HAVE (and are able to afford even on a mere 4 or 5 figure salary, let alone on a 6 or 7 or even 8 figure salary). I hope he realizes how silly of a request that was. Probably not, though. People say very stupid things when they can't think of a good reason.

My hip is slowly getting back to normal. After some heavy internet surfing on the subject of rain and pain, I believe it to be the culprit. But I don't think I ever want to internet surf about pains and disease ever again, because every other article has the word CANCER in it and, although I know death is inevitable, no need to keep worrying myself. I'm paranoid about germs and such anyways, don't need to add cancer to the list.

Congratulations, Andrew, you are pen pal #1.

trying to sound like myself

2005-10-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

I want a pen pal. There is something about pen and paper and writing that seems to really call to me right now. I want something to look forward to. In high school, I used to exchange letters with this boy who I saw every day. What was so great about our correspondence was that the conversations that we held in our letters were completely different from what we talked about every day. There is something about writing that really clears my mind. Writing allows me to actually organize my thoughts and think a little more cohesively, skills I don't exactly display when speaking.

I sometimes hate the way I talk. When I hear recordings of myself, I think I sound... very dumb. Where do I get this voice? I was raised with two very Vietnamese parents with thick accents and messy English. I think my cousins were right, TV has ruined me. Also my impulsiveness to speak what comes to mind first, as well as the flaw of being slightly judgemental, does not help my case. I also hate that I sound perpetually cheery. I am not as cheery as my voice makes me out to be. I am far more sarcastic and cynical than what my bubbly voice allows. I am a bitch! But even when I say "I am a bitch!" out loud, I still sound like a nice ditzy girl trying to be bad.

So if I had a new voice, what would it be? I think I would want a bit of a Vietnamse accent in there. Now, years later, I realize that my parents were very right when they said I would regret not practicing Vietnamese at home. They don't end up right about a lot of things, but this, I owe them an apology for. Back to my voice, maybe take it down an octave, as well as zap 75% of this cheery demeanor. And I want my voice to be more disguisable, less readable. Or maybe it's my face that gives it away. Oh, aren't I just in the mood to change everything about myself. I guess it's about time to have a slight insecurity flare up. I blame it on the hip and the pain and the rain.

Just blame it on the weatherman.

real life changing

2005-10-15T13:30:00.000-05:00

What's the buzz. I's say the Supreme Court. (OK I admit it's a late buzz really) Latest nominee: Harriet Miers. I asked for an opinion of her from my favorite political source and he said, "She doesn't even look like a justice. She looks like the creepy lady who lives down the street." We know nothing of her, except that she is a close friend of the most idiotic figure head in US history. The woman seems so unqualified for this position that my political source almost cynical joked that maybe Bush picked her, hoping she would go down in flames, so that he could choose whoever he wanted next and say "I gave you someone and you shot her down, so take this one instead." I don't know... it is a little sketch.

Next subject: whether I feel that this nominee HAS to be a woman. I am torn here. As a slight feminist at times, I want there to be a better balanced Supreme Court. But I also want the most qualified person, not most qualified woman (Miers is neither). With O'Connor stepping down, we're left with one woman. When it comes to law, I would like to think there isn't a gender bias, but with hot button issues like abortion, I cannot help hating the idea of several rich, educated white men making a decision about whether women have a right to their own choice.

Last Supreme Court comment: I think Judge Roberts has the "crazy eyes" and I can only hope that they are crazy in a good way. Only time will tell, and he has a lot of time to let the crazy come out.

I spoke with a guy I used to go to high school with a week ago. He gave me the skinny on his life as of right now and a few other people. He was definitely a good guy and I can say I might have had a smidgeon of a crush on him here and there in high school. He isn't a baby daddy so that is an extreme plus for him. But he still hangs out with the same people from high school. It seems that being in Erie sucks you into an incestuous cycle of the same friends and dating the people in your circle. I guess it gave me a glimpse of what life could have been like had I stayed in Erie. Comfortable, non-changing - slowly morphing into a lifetime of content and disguised monotony. Nonetheless, he is doing well and I am glad. He likes to IM me everytime New England sports crushes his Pittsburgh team (which can be kind of often). It's cute, and he is too.

I look forward to a 5 year high school reunion where I can see exactly how far along everyone has come. And also get a total tally on how many babies everyone has had. :-P

Elizabethtown was disappointing. But there were a few moments in there that did click. Especially, the phone sequence. It really eerily reminded me of my friendship with someone. I think we peaked on the phone as well, and the mere thought of meeting him after 4.5 years again makes me slightly nervous. I wouldn't be sad if another 4.5 years passed before we met again. :-P But you never know... fate has it's way. Christmas in Texas this year? Quite the possibility.

I still pine a little. Meh, I accept that I am weak.

I am going to now start a tirade about the New England weather. STOP RAINING. And please stop killing me. My hip hurts so much. I think it's the weather shift. I am limping again and it kills me to look and feel so weak. If this persists, I will need to see a doctor to see if it's not something more than possible arthiritis or the metal reacting to the cold.

Had the best conversation on the T yesterday. It was with some Long Islander freshman from BU. He walked a fine line between obnoixous and confident. I instantly liked him. And weirdly enough, he was a summer tennis instructor majoring in statistics (with a hope for the actuarial profession) and philosophy. I told him, everyone is going to hate him, if they don't already. :-) Our small 10 minute conversation (which made him miss his stop) has surpassed the previous best conversation on the T. The last conversation was about infertility and conception issues with my cousins and I and a random guy on the T. We couldn't seem to remember what a guy being infertile was called. Now I remember that it's sterile, but at the time, my cousins kept pressing that guys were considered infertile. It went as follows:
Guy on T: I always thought the guy could be considered "infertile" as well.
Me: See, I always saw the guy as the "fertilizer" ::lots of laughing:: :-)

Oh yes, the T is always the place for real life changing conversations.

intimacy

2005-10-09T21:55:00.000-05:00

Intimacy. Such a hard thing to accomplish when you try to force it. And so hard to replicate with each friend you have. It seems as if the relationships you wish were more intimate, never happen easily. And the ones you hardly work at, are. And then there are the relationships that were just... meant to be.

Sometimes people you hardly even know, or at least know in the every day sense, are some of your most honest relationships. It's amazing how intimate I am with someone I've known for years, but at the same time, we have spent no time together. But, without a doubt, I know this person through and through, as intimate as can be, even without small details that I treasure in other relationships. I don't think he knows me equally well in return, but he does know a different me, a me that is maybe a little acted out. I am myself, but I get to pretend to be the more desirable version of me because this version is the only version he will ever know. And I like that, the power to do and say and be whatever because the limits of truth and reality are suspended.

I also think of a few people who I wish I had more intimate relationships with. You can't force it to be intimate. But I try anyways. Sometimes it blows up in my face, actually, it usually does. I don't learn my lesson, ever. A girl has to have her flaws, I guess, especially about those who she wishes were more than just friends. I think of one friend, whom I've known forever. But... even with 15+ years of techinal friendship on our resume, I can honestly say I didn't know him-know him until the last 3 or 4 years. I blame myself partially for trying to force a relationship that wasn't there, but I can also put partial blame on him since it is his nature to not be intimate. Once I stopped the forced intimacy, it happened naturally on its own. We are great friends now and I laugh thinking of the idea of anything more. What a mismatch that would be! He knows me quite well, but that's because he is a good listener. That's the role we play, I, the talker, he the listener. It reminds me of another friend, another forced friendship. I let it fizzle after I realized that I was again deceiving myself into this trick version of intimacy. But then amazingly... after our amiable falling out, he came back and wanted to renew our friendship. So maybe I wasn't imagining things. And maybe sometimes, a little force can draw someone in. Unfortunately, I still play this game of "let's make friendship and intimacy happen" regardless of whether it's possible or not. I think I keep trying my luck, because in my mathematical mind, I think the probabilities have to get better with each loss. Or maybe I am playing the lottery with my heart and amassing this ridiculous pile of loser ticket stubs. I guess I won't know until I either win, or I go broke. But the intimacy I gamble for in these friendships are possible of a big payoff, and like a good addict, I can't say no to myself.

Then there are the intimate relationships you have with people you have known forever and spend large chunks of time with. This friend, what I sometimes like to think of as my platonic soulmate, is the person I feel might just know me the most thoroughly. She is kind and crazy and weird, and so great that I cannot help but be the best and generous friend in return. But then it makes me wonder, because our relationship is so right and so free flowing of unconditional kindness and love, it isn't 100% complete because... well, I'm never selfish around this person or extremely bitchy. It's not within my nature to be like that when with this person. She brings the best versions of me out. It's not that I squash the other versions... it's just, they never need to be called out. They are understudies to the truly good and deserving version of me that works hard every day to make an appearance. So, in a sense, she doesn't really have to deal with all of me.

And the reason why that friend doesn't get the selfish me, is because I've saved the selfish me for a different friend or two. The selfish, and incredibly crass friend that I feel I can be completely rude to and harsh and cynical with, and not feel as if I'm ruining a mood. Or feel guilty for being so judgmental and bitchy. With this friend, I let see the worst in me because I see the worst in them, and even with the worst versions of ourselves flying around, we would still pick that worst version over the best version of someone else. That level of intimazy is also hard to find, and I sometimes wonder if maybe that friend knows me best. But really... he doesn't. They know a certain side of me best. Their personality constraints keep our friendship from being on the same level as the prior one. But I don't dislike him for it or wish it to be different. This is what we chose to make of our friendship and it's far more intimate than I ever could have asked for.

Relationships with relatives are by far the easiest. And the worst. You are bound by blood and the abstract idea of family. I just met my cousins in December, and yet here we are living together. And within the last few months, our bond has grown and is thick and lively as the blood that connects us. I don't think I work at this relationship at all. I don't have to, because of that idea of family which branches off to loyalty and an instant familiarity with each other, regardless of how well we might know each other. I also think of my brother, who is maybe, my best friend, in this small life I lead. But really, I have to discount him, because he's family, and yes, we are friends and siblings, but siblings first. And although we share a connection that sometimes makes me wonder if we were twins in a past life, the level of intimacy isn't level with relationships I have with my best friends. Then again, maybe I am trying to compare apples and oranges.

Intimacy in relationships. So different for each person. Maybe each one is a different fruit and I shouldn't try to compare at all. I wonder all these thoughts because I am trying to decide who I think knows me best. Why? Just because... a random question to answer. And the trickiest part to answering that type of question is... which version of me do I think is really me? Which I have to be careful about answering because it can be easily confused with which version of me do I like the best? Even more so... do I know myself well enough to actually be able to answer that question? 22 years worth of friendships and experiences... and I still can't just choose one. Maybe that is me... the fruit basket variety. :-p

free for all

2005-10-02T22:41:00.000-05:00

This weekend was pretty fabulous. Ridiculously sleep deprived, but fun. Friday was spent saying hello to some good ol' WPI alumni and carting around my peeps. I felt like I was SNAPping all over again. :-P Then I drove home to Boston, getting to sleep by 1:45 only to get up at 4:45 to pick up Katie at Logan and head to Worcester. She's worth it though. What a silly girl she is. We both got haircuts and did brunch with our friends and then spent the day shopping. Quotes of the day:

(holding a hideous pink flowery rain coat)
Katie: It's only 15 dollars!
Me: Katie, it's 15 dollars for a reason.

Lisa: Bend over and spell run. R-U-N.

Hahaha. :-) We then saw Serenity, which was surprisingly good. It had very light banter and humor and just the right amount of thought and plot and human insight. Not too shabby Josh Whedon! I am going to go back to Worcester this weekend after another stop at the Comedy Club. William and I have our eyes on the Cracker Barrel and of course, our traditional movie night.

I cut open my finger. It hurts like a bitch. I can't even wash dishes without breaking one and cutting my finger on it. :-P What a klutz I am!

I am not sure what I am doing with myself and my thoughts. I think I trick myself into feeling certain things. It's ridiculous. I am much smarter than this... or am I? In 10 years, I can hopefully look back upon every silly thought I had and think it wasn't a waste of time.

Fiona Apple's CD comes out tomorrow... I can feel all the pent up rage, angst, longing, yearning, and love just screaming for it. Yes, stupid thoughts, you are going to have a free for all this week.

well-rounded

2005-09-29T23:06:00.000-05:00

Lee thinks I am a well-rounded person. Upon further inspection, as well as confirmation from Patrick, I believe that yes, I am well-rounded. I enjoy literature, movies, film, tv, a variety of sports, the sciences, art, music, etc. Each one of my good friends helps play a role in keeping me well rounded. If I have to choose two more areas to be more knowledgeable in, it would have to be politics and money.

All my relatives are safe. And the houses in Port Arthur just need a few repairs, nothing major. I am VERY thankful. It took a bit of weight off the shoulders for everyone.

This upcoming weekend will be a bit crazy. I got Katie with me, in from Colorado. Unfortunately, I won't be sleeping a whole lot, but sacrifices are needed in the spirit of fun! I got some homecoming stuff on my plate and a last minute brunch.

The Red Sox are turning me into a foul mouthed sailor with their come from behind antics. Agh! I am way too into baseball at this time of the year.

Casaul Friday tomorrow! :-) And then off to crazy antics with my crazy Carla. The weekend looks sunny with a chance for mischief.

just waiting

2005-09-24T02:07:00.000-05:00

Well, good news is that my cousin left Port Arthur. We were so relieved to hear from him. He is in Lafayette, TX now. We aren't sure if that is a whole lot better, but better than being in Port Arthur. Our apartment has been pretty gloomy lately. My cousins already feel that this winter, they won't have a home to come back to. Their house is right by the canal and if flooding happens, which it will, then their house is likely to go. I just can't believe that this is happening again. Katrina and now Rita. We feel so helpless here in MA. All we can do is keep calling everyone and checking up and making sure everyone is out of Rita's path. That is when we are able to get through the lines. The weather channel or CNN is constantly on in our rooms, which isn't a great thing to do, but we can't help but track this thing and hope and pray that it doesn't do the damage that everyone says it will. We wish we were there in TX with the rest of the family to lend support and morale. But really our family does not need 3 more people to house. Around 50 to 60 of my family members are currently spread out among four or five houses right now in Houston (just barely safe enough) and Dallas. Just... crazy to imagine. I just hope and pray for their safety.

How many more people in my family will be rebuilding after this? Sometimes, I think it's going to keep hurricaning until it destroys every single one of my family's homes. Right now it's about 60% towards its goal. And in a few days, if Rita does what they say she is supposed to do, it will be about 70% towards its goal. If something happens to those of us in CA, PA, and MA... I will truly believe that our family is cursed. Or that God is trying to test our will to survive. Isn't life hard enough without the hurricanes and floods?

It just isn't fair.

raging rita

2005-09-22T18:03:00.000-05:00

So my family in Port Arthur has evacuated and those in Houston are leaving today for Dallas. Lee and Lisa's dad was stupid and decided to stay in Port Arthur which is soooo stupid. They are very upset that their dad is being so stubborn. He is the only one from the family staying behind. :-( This has been such a bad year for my family. So now, all the New Orleans people are displaced in TX, and those that stayed with family in Port Arthur and Houston, are displaced again, along with the family who hosted them. JESUS CHRIST. Please stop hurricaning. Please. If the hurricane blows over my aunt's house in Port Arthur, then my mom and dad's house will be the only remaining functional home out of all my aunts and uncles. My three aunts and uncles all lost their homes to the flood in New Orleans. But amazingly... just AMAZINGLY... my grandparent's house, which is trusted to my mother, was not flooded or ruined. So strange how that happened. I just keep praying that everything turns OK and that my stupid cousin is alive and well after Rita hits. And I hope that Rita avoids New Orleans. It can't take anymore. And neither can I or my family. I miss my family. A trip to Erie sounds kind of good, as well as a trip to Texas.

Elizabethtown really reminds me of my friendship with Daniel. "We peed on the phone!" really brought back some funny memories. :-) I am one crazy person with some crazy friends.

Banana hammock. :-)

everything is everything

2005-09-18T23:12:00.000-05:00

Our Laura is officially 21. I am so proud of her. We went to the Bollywood Grill where I got some spicy almond and onion chicken. Laura was home in bed by 1am. :-P And my favorite quote from Laura, the morning after, "I feel like a million bucks! I am so glad I puked!" I love that girl.

So, theory: I force my friendship on people. And by force, I mean I make a very strong initial presence with new people. And by people, I mean guys that I like. Let me go through the cycle:
1. I meet someone.
2. I think that someone is cute and intriguing.
3. I am determined to be friends with them (because I am psycho and think friendship before relationship is very important).
4. They have no choice in being friends or not... like I said, FORCE.
5. If they think I am cool, they are glad I make the effort.
6. If they think I am kind of annoying, they are usually quiet guys, so the likelihood of them saying something is low.
7. They eventually realize how awesome I am... AS A FRIEND.
8. I am sccccccrewed.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, this vicious cycle repeats over and over again. And that period before I realize that I am officially labeled as friend is the period that makes it all worth it. Because for a split second or two, I think, just maybe, this could go somewhere. If only that split second or two came weeks or months sooner, so reality can come sooner, and I can stop hitting myself with a hammer. I need a new "Go, get him!" routine. Or maybe I need to start liking new guys. With that I digress...

I had my first bad experience at Blackstone Valley. These friggin' unwatched kids were walking in and out of our movie, Lord of War (which is rated R). And they wouldn't stop talking and I wanted to push they all down or at least get them kicked out. I felt especially bad for Patrick's little brother, Oliver, since he had to sit by them. I didn't really care for the movie. I wasn't in the right mood for Nicolas Cage and it just wasn't really that good. But Just Like Heaven was pretty good and ridiculously cheezy. The whole movie was worth it when Mark Ruffalo says, "Because I love her," and the audience actually GASPED as if that were a surprise. I couldn't stop laughing. I love the movies.

I changed my sleeping arrangements. Feng shui, baby. Maybe the ghost will stop waking me up a half hour into my sleep and maybe I'll stop waking up so tired and maybe I'll finally feel like I am really relaxing when I sleep.

I went Saturday afternoon with my favorite blonde, Carla. We had lunch at the Olive Garden and then shopped for several hours before hitting up the nail salon for manicures and a new lease on eye brows. The experience was somewhat scary, but worth it in the end.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Franny!

It's been a really good weekend. Even with the new theory, which I take for fact really, and the constant rain and the not that great movies, it's been a really good weekend. Let me just say it one more time, because I don't think I get to say it often... it's been a really good weekend. :-)

sums it all up

2005-09-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

federer, no one does it betterer

2005-09-11T21:14:00.000-05:00

Just a few photos from the US Open! The first one is the view we had from our seats:

The second here is a zoomed in shot of Federer and Nalbandian. Federer is drool worthy...

Although the matches were far too short, they were still a good time. Federer is amazing! And I was esctatic that Kim finally won her first Grand Slam. The Belgians there were very crazy and entertaining. The best part of the whole experience was seeing the Over 45 Men's Masters. Those old guys were hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing. They were pretty good at tennis and highly engaging and amusing. I am definitely glad I stayed. :-) I hope to make a repeat visit next year to the Open. It's definitely worth it!

Shoutouts to my good friend Tom for driving to get me on Long Island and then driving me back. I swear, he spoils me. :-P And John got one of those crazy big tennis balls, no signatures though. Too bad!

I just started reading Pride and Prejudice. Very good! It's actually made me laugh out loud, which is a tough feat when it comes to books. David said that we should start a book club and read Jane Austen's Persuasion together, haha. We shall see. I definitely am behind in my reading though since I was gone this whole week in NYC and hardly read last week on the T. Gotta get through the Narnia series so Lisa can return the books to the library.

Sometimes, I get a tremendous feeling of hope. I have no idea where it comes from or why it comes, but it feels amazing and very comforting.

September is almost half over... meaning the best time of the year is approaching in Boston: autumn and the post season. :-D

eff you katrina

2005-09-07T22:00:00.000-05:00

Here's a big fuck you to Katrina. Thank you for ruining the city I was born in, the homes I grew up in, the lives of my entire family, and killing New Orleans. And I swear to you, if you take the life of a single family member of mine... I will friggin kill you.

My mom's side of the family is completely OK and all in Texas with other family. They were very lucky. There were a couple of scary days where we didn't hear from my aunt and uncle who got stuck in Gulfport, but they got through safely. My dad's side of the family is still in the air. :-( Pray...

I am in NYC right now on a business training trip. I've got a US Open match tomorrow and Saturday. I can't wait.

NYC is intimidating! But, my bathroom is awesome because I can listen to the TV while I go to the bathroom or shower because there are speakers in there. :-)

Are you happy Carla? Sheesh. :-P Blogging seems like the bottom of my agenda lately... sorry. I will try to bring it back! Maybe...

oh my!

2005-08-16T19:38:00.000-05:00

Well... life sure has been interesting as of late. I keep a list of things in my planner that I want to blog about and how weird they are. In a few words... Ghosts, family, and the T! Oh my!

Ghosts. Yes, people, I said ghosts. I am not saying that there are DEFINITELY ghosts in my room. But there have been two occasions where I have woken up to find white, smokey apparitions floating right by my bed. Ghosts? Hallucinations? Dreams? Bad eyesight? I have no idea. Also one day, as I was waking up, I heard someone/something sigh... and it wasn't me. And my door was shut. It was just me. And my friendly watching ghost. :-P All I know is that I hardly sleep these days without 1. a light on or 2. the TV aglow. Yes, I am very superstitious. It comes from the Vietnamees background. I can't help it. Nonetheless... ghosts. One day, soon hopefully, I will sleep without the light on. :-)

My friend John ended up getting a job in Boston, at the Prudential Center, and moved here. The more people here, the merrier! :-) It will be nice to have another friend from home with me out here.

I take the T every day, back and forth. It takes about 20-30 minutes depending on the business. There is this one guy who I see a lot. By a lot, I mean about 4 or 5 times in the last week or so. I know you think that it isn't that strange, but really, it is. The T runs every 5 minutes in the morning and during afternoon rush hour and I always grab whichever one comes when I am there. It's just weird to see him so much when the chances are somewhat small. But I guess it helps that he works right by my building. I've been on the T three times with him and I think I have seen him in the street two times where we both were not headed to the T. I swear, if I see him a lot more, I will make friends just because I feel like the universe is saying something.

I am excellent on the T. I can read standing up. I got through Amy Tan's memoirs in about a week and a half. A book from the Narnia series takes me about two days. And I just bought a crap ton of hard cover books from Barnes and Noble a couple weeks ago. It's nice to find reading again.

My family has been an epicenter of issues lately. But it's back to some calmness. I spoke with my sister the other day and I felt a lot better. Family is so hard. I thought friendships were hard, but family is worse. A lot of work when functionality isn't a strong point in the family. But you have to keep truckin...

We went to the Cape this weekend and it was quite lovely. The beach was very warm and sunny and the waves were delightful. Lee was very scared of the water, but we forced her to be riskier. I'd love to go back to the Cape sometime soon. If only it didn't take 2 hours to get there... and $15 to park. :-P

So I end with the fabulous awkwardness of elevator rides. I have yet to ever be in an elevator where everyone isn't uncomfortably avoiding each other's stare. What is it about elevators? They are kinda funny. In a little box, hanging by a cord or two, ignoring the life forms around you. Muhaha. Elevators. So funny.

And with that... I'm out.

growth

2005-08-08T19:44:00.000-05:00

It's been ages and a half since my last post. And the first thing that comes to mind is that nothing much has happened. And then I think about it for a second and think, "Jesus, everything has changed!"

The move to Allston is definitely one of the best parts of my life right now. I grow closer and closer with my cousins, Lee and Lisa and life is different. I was afraid that after college, with the whole not having a job yet and still being in Worcester, I'd be living the same life I led in college except I wouldn't be in college anymore. And that bothered me a lot because I felt it was time for a change, time for some growth. Being in Worcester for another year and leading the same life wouldn't do that for me. Although I miss William and Laura like hell (and they remind me of how they dislike my moving to Allston because I left them so abruptly... but they are happy for me), and the comforts of my large room and apartment and amazing bathroom, the coziness I find here with my cousins and the switch in lifestyle is invigorating and makes me extremely happy. I may bitch that I am tired, but I am wholly happy. I find myself busier than ever and not busy all at the same time. There is a certain pace to adult life that keeps me interested enough without making me stressed out.

The job is going well. I have made a decision not to blog about it in any way though. Too much potential trouble. Not that I have anything negative to say really, unlike my previous work experience where negativity was just oozing from people. Work is good though and I am learning a lot. I hope to continue growing in the organization.

Every weekend since I moved to Allston, I've been whisked away on the weekends to do something or another. The first was spent bouncing to Worcester and Foxwoods, the second with Laura in her time of need, and the third on Long Island celebrating "The Longshot" AKA William L. Herbert's graduation. It was fun meeting the rest of his family and hanging out with all his friends from home, all of whom I like and get along with. The weekend at Laura's was nice too, although not under the happiest circumstances, but it was great seeing her home and just relaxing and chilling with Laura.

I think one of the best days I've had in Boston was when I met William for dinner and a movie. Boston was absolutely gorgeous and soaked in golden rays as the sun slowly dissapated. Sky High was hilarious, dinner was great, and it was nice to see a great friend and enjoy a carefree moment. That is what I like about moving away. I don't get to see people I consider very important in my life as often anymore, which then makes our get togethers so much more fun and valuable. Absense makes the heart grow fonder.

August and September are fun filled. We're going to the Cape this weekend and I've got a party or brunch or two to go to. And in September, I get to visit NYC for some training and see a US Open Men's Quarterfinal match. Yesssssss. AND I get to celebrate my godfather's wedding with my family. Really... why was I afraid of adult life? It's fabulous. :-)

new chapter

2005-07-21T00:09:00.000-05:00

Well... it's been a super duper long time since my last post. So much has changed. For starters, I am moving to Boston. I am living in Allston with my cousins Lisa and Lee. It's hard to believe that I am doing this and I know I said I wasn't going to. But minds change and that's that. I am very excited to live with them. As for Worcester, I still have this lease, so I will be here on the weekends a lot until it gets cold and hard to travel between the cities. I'll do the best that I can.

I have so much to tell. But I am so tired. We are moving in tomorrow. Gawd I am exhausted. It's gonna be a long couple of days/weeks until routine settles in. So much change. That's just the way it is. Things will never be the same.

score!

2005-07-05T15:47:00.000-05:00

It's official. I sent in my signed offer and that's that. :-)

The 4th of July weekend was fabulous. Tom came in on Saturday and spent the weekend here. We saw War of the Worlds with William on Saturday. Although Tom Cruise comes off as a luney right now, his movie was quite good. Sunday was spent wishing Thai Cha Da was open and watching Bend It Like Beckham, which was great. Jonathan Rhys-Meyer was very dreamy in this movie and Parminder Nagra was PERFECT in her role. It's hard to believe she is 10 years older than Keira Knightley. Anyways, the kiss scene in the end... whoa. Very well done. I was actually very impressed. It's a shame soccer/football isn't more popular in the states. Oh well!

The fireworks in Boston were pretty sweet and intense, like the circus. Tom and I had decent seats on this pond/lake right next to the river. We also had dinner at Fire+Ice and did a lot of walking. Althought I am sore today, I am very proud of myself for having done all that walking in Boston. It makes me want to do more physical therapy to straighten everything out.

I feel like there was more to say... but really, life is pretty chill and normal. I like it that way. But it won't stay that way for long. This weekend, I get to go home to Erie for a few days to settle a couple things. I can't wait!!! And then when I get back, my cousins will be here. And soon enough, July 25th will be here. And still so many questions to be answered. Live here? Live here and in Boston? Get a new car? Etc. Wow. Good bye slow life, hello fast life.

J-O-B

2005-07-02T13:55:00.000-05:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Vonda got a job. I received an offer from Buck Consultants, located in Boston, MA. It's a really great place, not too big and not too small. I am definitely very excited. My first day is July 25th.

Be psyched for me. I am really an adult. :-) A longer update to come...

vroom

2005-06-27T19:18:00.000-05:00

I still haven’t vacuumed. :-)

So now is the time to finally explore all that music I’ve been looking into and give it time to sink in. The latest craze for me is: Coldplay’s X and Y, Maria Mena’s Another Phase, Jack Johnson’s In Between Dreams, Radiohead’s Kid A, The Flaming Lips’s Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Phoenix’s United, Michelle Branch’s Hotel Paperdone, the I Heart Huckabees Soundtrack, and really listening to Jason Mraz’s Waiting for My Rocket to Come. Thankfully at work, I can plunk this stuff into the CD player, pop on ear plugs, and groove as I sift through my presentations. Because really, I don’t listen to music much at home. At home, the TiVo rules, as well as the Netflix DVD.

This weekend was a blast. I went to Matt Knott’s graduation party with Joe and got to hang out with Schmidty and his girlfriend Amanda, Adam Bryant, and of course Matt Knott and his new girlfriend Lisa. Lisa is a moderate, which is much better suited for Matt’s conservativeness. :-) It was positively suffocatingly hot that day and we spent a good part of his party indoors where the air conditioner reigned. Adam Bryant was a riot as usual, with his weird Adam Bryant-isms. Honestly, if we didn’t have him around, conversation would not nearly be as fun.

Joe and I cruised home around 5pm, and William and I had dinner at our favorite – Thai Cha Da! Afterwards, we made it a double whammy movie night, with Bewitched and Batman Begins. Bewitched, which Joe joined us for, was as bad as I thought it was going to be, with a few good Will Ferrell moments in there. And Batman Begins was as badass as it was before. Tucker was our bartender this time and it was very fun to chat it up with him, although he labeled our bill “Clarkies” and I don’t know if that was on purpose to poke fun at us or because he REALLY thought we were Clarkies. Obviously, William discussing his love of Star Trek should have been a dead giveaway for WPI.

Sunday was the first of (hopefully) many brunches. We went to IHOP where it was ccccrazy busy. But it was nice to see everyone again, although Carla’s car broke down on her as she was making her way to Worcester. :-( I miss her. Anyways, chit chat was fun as usual and catching up. The next Sunday Brunch will be held at Matt Knott’s new apartment where we will actually cook brunch. I look forward to that in July.

One of my new summer friends called me, asking me to go to the beach on Saturday. Unfortunately, I had already committed to going to Matt Knott’s graduation party, so I had to turn down Stu’s invite. But it is a goal to hang out with Stu sometime soon. I need to branch out and keep making new friends and keeping them.

I am such an old fogey. Last night, I came home from brunch and a trip to Best Buy to only do laundry and then proceed to fall asleep while watching The Godfather III. And you think “That isn’t old fogey-ish of you, Vonda.” Oh wait… I left out the time I fell asleep. 8pm! Repeat: 8pm! Yes, people, I went to bed at 8pm and woke up at 5am, confused because I felt so rested from all that extra sleep. No worries, I forced myself to sleep in until 6:15am and then showered and got to work early.

So the best news of this past week: I am on the verge of a job offer. It’s not official yet, but seems absolutely promising. As long as their HR department follows through on the paperwork, I should get an offer very soon. And I will take it! It’s in the heart of Boston, by City Hall and such. Now with this possible offer, this brings up tons of questions and thoughts. Do I move to Boston with Lee and Lisa and hold two rents for the year? Do I stay in Worcester to commute? Do I go home to Erie for a week and officially change residency to MA? Should I buy a new car and give back this one to my parents and get my own insurance? So many options and so many decisions to be made. I was talking to Becky about this all, and it really hit us… I’m an adult.

I’m an adult.

the little things

2005-06-22T19:32:00.000-05:00

Weekday life is getting pretty typical. I notice that, as an adult, I have so much time to get all the little things done, like grocery shopping, writing thank you cards, doing laundry, organizing my room, etc. So, in a sense, I have all the time in the world to do all the little things, but there are a lot of little things to be done, therefore taking up all my time. Ironic, huh?

Speaking of ironic, I saw Alanis Morissete and Jason Mraz in concert last Friday at the Wang Theatre. She is amazing live, sounds like the real deal. No lip-synching, just acoustic and completely wonderful. The stage set was ridiculously detailed. It looked just like a living room, complete with couches, love seats, old TVs, two plasma screens, a rug, lamps, floor lamps, just... a really fashionable living room set. It was very surprising. It was hysterical to watch the crowd sing along to Alanis's most popular songs. My favorite moment was when the woman in front of us high-fived herself when Alanis sang "I got one hand in my pocket, the other one is giving a high five." Too funny. As for Jason Mraz, he was very entertaining and I can see why people fall in love with him. He is funny and quirky and definitely talented. My brother loves him, surprisingly enough.

The weekend was spent with Tom and John. We went to the concert, saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Batman Begins (which were two very superb movies), and just hung out and ate at good restaurants. I think I am drinking at Blackstone Valley too much considering that one of the bartenders, Dan, knows my name. :-) I only drink when I see a movie... ;-)

I am currently doing me best to get through the Godfathers. They are very good (well the first and half of the second that I have seen). But they are soooo long and I hate holding onto them for so long. I need to get moving on my Netflix queue. I think I subconsciously watched the Godfathers on Father's Day because the Godfathers remind me of my dad. It was the movie series that he really loved and said he actually read the books for too, which is a huge deal. Plus, supposedly, when he was growing up in Vietnam, he was his own little godfather/badass and lots of people fear him. I don't know if that is a good thing, but it's interesting to think about it. As for the movie, the family love, the treachery, the lies and deceit and the things we do out of loyalty... it's very depressing and yet incredibly beautiful. I can see why these movies are held to such a high standard. I am glad I finally forced myself to see them. Everyone thank Netflix!

I interviewed with another consulting firm. I think I did really well and I really liked it there. It's in the Mellon Financial building in Boston and is a great location. I really hope I get it! :-)

William gets back this weekend, which will be nice. We plan on making another movie extravaganza. I love Blackstone. Also, I think I'll get to see Carla, Molly, Schmitdy, and Matty for some Sunday brunch. Oh and Joe, too. But I am sick of Joe, just kidding! But he is a regular in life, since I see him 1-2 times a week for relaxation and chit chat. Anyways, I look forward to a bit of a mix up in my life.

Remember the little things? The one little thing I can't seem to get myself to do is vaccuum. Strange, as usual. That's life.

over and over again

2005-06-10T17:43:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I think I am a masochist. Especially with music. I will listen to the same song over and over again knowing it will only make me feel troubled over my lack of grasping reality. It's not to say I am wicked unhappy or anything. Granted, I am not pleased either with the turn of events in my quest for a love life, but I really don't let my happiness in life be dictated by a lack of a significant other. I've always wondered if that was a flaw of mine. That I've always wanted someone, to be with someone, but if I don't get who I want, I don't die over it or feel like I am unworthy of someone. I may be melodramatic for a day, but I bounce back relatively easy. I mope with music and just... get over it. And it just makes me stronger in my independence from the idea of a boyfriend, but maybe I become more dependent on friends. Maybe I keep up walls, never really letting myself become someone "date-able" but just the great love-able best friend because that's all I know how to do and I'm good at it. For pete's sake, only two people in college have wanted to date me (that I know of) and I probably (ok definitely) self-sabotaged one because I was intimidated by how much he liked me and never took the other person seriously in his quests for dates. Why do I do that? Why do I self-sabotage? Sometimes, for about 10 minutes out of the entire year, I worry that I will grow up to be old and alone. A great woman, loved by many, but not loved by the one she wants, that is if she even knows what she wants. I will not own cats. I promise that. Maybe A cat, but not catS. :-) There, that is one minute out of this year that I worry about where my love life is going and if I will be an old spinster when I grow old.

Laura being home really completes the apartment. Too bad William is already leaving next Thursday, which makes our apartment incomplete again. Hopefully he won't stay on Long Island that long after his trip to FL, although if there is nothing here for him to come back to, then why not spend some free time on Long Island? Maybe I will visit LI, but then again, my last excursion cost me 550 with a possible accident. Anyways, Laura came back and I baked cupcakes in the sweltering heat. My first attempt at cupcakes ever! They were a little over baked, but still wicked good. It was funfetti cake mix with funfetti frosting, mmmm yum! Last night was nice, because we hung out in my air conditioned room and got take out Thai Cha Da and just... hung out, which is something we haven't all done together in a LONG time. I really like my apartment and my roommates and consider myself pretty lucky.

This weekend seems a bit stale. I feel a little incomplete without Becky. I feel as if I'm missing my better half without her for the summer. I don't know how well I will survive without seeing her a lot this year. But I need to get used to it, because our lives aren't exactly intersecting for an extended amount of time anytime soon. Anyways, this weekend right now only has a haircut in store on Saturday at 1pm. I am in desperate need of it. My hair is getting so frizzy with the humidity and the split ends and frazzle is just no longer acceptable. I want to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith but have yet to find someone to come with me. I need to post for a new movie buddy. Someone willing to see movies with a reckless abandon and shell out the cash. That is what summer is about for me, losing myself in films and movies. That, and reading. I just bought the first three books of the Chronicles of Narnia. Can't wait to get started on those. :-) Let's hope some weekend plans stir up, or I will go stir crazy. I was hoping for Carla, but after a baillion unreturned messages (ok, really just two emails and three voicemails in the span of a week), I don't think I will be seeing her this weekend. I wonder where my beauty has disappeared to!

Just keep looping it Vonda. It will eventually get out of your system and your play list. I'd do it if I could. I hope you know I would.

real life takes so much work

2005-06-08T09:55:00.000-05:00

So... I need to blog more. I notice that I have turned into that blogger who blogs HUGE blogs every few days or almost every other week. I can't help it though. I always lose track of the time and although this summer feels lethargic, it isn't. I've actually managed to stay relatively busy.

I've started stocking my arsenal of summer friends. It's not to say we won't be friends all year round, but summer is a pretty pivotal time period where you need your resources. I just need to actually make dates with these friends and not turn into a summer recluse who only works, cleans, eats, andsleeps.

As Adam reminded me, I forget to talk about seeing Star Wars at midnight on opening night. I will be brief. We got there 2 hours early, the place was packed and we BARELY found four seats together. People were dressed up the characters and several light saber fights went on, entertaining the crowd. It was a good time with all those geeks and dorks and nerds. It was comforting, haha. On another movie note, when we saw Madagascar, William cried during THE PREVIEWS! Come on! It was for Dreamer with Dakota Fanning. Why cries during a preview? Sheesh!

Anyways, last week, I spent my time getting acclimated into summer life. I got my room together, or rather clean that is. I went on the CCA interview, which went pretty well. I am waiting to hear back from them and I really hope I get the position. I liked the people and the location, and it seemed like a great place to grow. I also talked to Travelers, and they were very formal. They knew exactly what they needed and asked a lot of more technical questions. I'm not sure if they are what I want, but I need to keep my options open.

I spent the weekend in Connecticut with my longest, and scruffy friend Tom.

We watched all three of the original Star Wars on Friday and they were pretty good. Leia: "I love you." Han: "I know." :-) I kept falling asleep, but only for a few minutes. I am glad I am now a complete human being, now that I've seen all the Star Wars. We then went to see Episode III in digital projection and HOLY CRAP. It's so weird. I was staring too hard and could see the pixilation. And when the green preview screen comes up, it REALLY is GREEN! So green, it's almost painful, but awesome. The best part is that I realized that the thingy is the Death Star. I know... if you are a Star Wars fan, you shake your head in disgust, but really... I can't help it that I didn't know. :-P Anyways, time spent at the Mullers is always pretty low-key and chill. Although, I do admit, Tom's mom has a way of making me feel uber guilty about my dislike of vegetables. I sometimes guilt myself into eating green beans or something while I'm there. And while I was backing out of their garage, I almost hit the beam... but I just nicked the plastic flapping thing. But as I was reversing, I kinda crept onto their lawn. Oops.

Drew's graduation party was nice. It was very buggy and hot. And I got lost twice on the way to his place. The directions I had weren't that great. But I found my way there and chatted it up with Stu, who is officially one of my summer friends. It's a shame when you meet people who you spent four years with and never really knew. But Stu is here for another two years, so I will get to know him now. And Braga was hilarious as usual. That kid... really... something different, haha.

I got an AC on Monday because sleeping Sunday night was excruciatingly hot. As William was working on installing it, he dropped two screws INTO the AC. Well... then he tried to pick up the AC with his less than strong muscles and shake it out. The image that comes to mind still makes me chuckle. Watching him shimmy with an AC and try futilely to get the screws made me lose mybreath in laughter. Oh William... how unmanly you are at times. :-)

I spent some time with Joe Vaughn. He was in need of an outlet for his more whipped side. We watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and man, he is the worst person to watch a movie with if he has seen it already. He was totally ruining some stuff. But seriously... one of the best movies I've ever seen. The ending, where Jim Carrey says "OK" just really... spoke to me. It says a lot about love when people are willing to go through it all over again, knowing it might not work out, just because they know some parts were so good, it's worth it. Amazing. I think I will watch it again for detail. But I also have the Godfathers with me too. Netflix rocks!

The goal for this week is to get some time with Carla. She is hard to reach. But it's her birthday and she is a favorite of mine. Let's hope she returns my messages and emails! Plus I really want to see Sisterhood of theTraveling Pants. :-)

William leaves next week and I will be a little lonely, but at the same time, Laura is back tonight and that makes me very happy. It will balance out William a little bit, but not completely. And right now, I really miss Erie, or more my friends and family in Erie. Everyone is in Erie right now, celebrating Mrs. Huzinec's retirement and I just hate that I am here, and not there. Hanni is in Erie for the next two years doing grad school for a master's in education. Becky is still finishing out her BA. My brother and mom and sometimes dad are still there. I admit... I am a little nostalgic for time with them. Oh well, I will see them sometime this summer, just notnow. Deal with it Vonda.

Lee and Lisa are moving to Boston in July and if I got the CCA job, I would contemplate moving in with them, or maybe Molly or something. We will see. It all depends on how this works out with money and the job and the availableapartments.

Lesson I am quickly learning: Real life takes so much work.

so so so

2005-05-30T17:36:00.000-05:00

There is so much ground to cover and so much that has happened and so many photos to show off. Let's divide and conquer.

Senior Week

The Boston Cruise was a little disappointing. The food was very so-so and drinks were expensive and the music was pretty ghetto and trashy. Lots of country, which only Adam Bryant loved. A particular junior, one of our number one douchebags on the Hnh-North scale, came along as a guest and just made scenes everywhere and almost got the captain to turn around the boat and bring up back to the harbor. DOUCHE! Here is a lovely photo of Katie and I freezing outside before we got onto the boat.

And here are Carla and I pre-dinner, looking fabulous.

The Sever Boys were severely disappointed as well, so much that they had a Home Alone moment of horror at the craptacularness of the cruise.

Blue Man Group kicked ass and we spent dinner at Fire + Ice. That place was pretty amazing and their daquiries were ridiculous! I could have gotten wasted off just half one, so I gave it mostly to Amy. :-) Here is a photo of us at our table, enjoying our food

Dave had (I think) about 3 plates worth of food. I just had one, which was more than enough.

The PawSox game was pretty good. Adam Bryant was extra excited, as you can see from the photo of him pre-game.

The PawSox kicked ass that night and we sat in right field, which was prime for catching several foul balls. There was definitely one ball that I thought was going to take me out, but luckily bounced just right out of my face. Here is a photo of Jocelyn fondling one of the two balls that Derrick caught that night.

I got to have the other ball, which is currently sitting on my desk. Here are some hot AGDs: Bell, Kapow, and T-face to be exact.

Overall, the game was good, but FREEZING!! And I found out that I am one hell of a heckler. I am just mean really. The Indian's right fielder definitely glared a few times my way. The game was such a blowout. At one point, the Indian's pitcher walked in two runs, with the bases loaded. And then there was a wild pitch and that walked in another run as well. I believe I screamed at that point "Way to go number 13! Good job on getting out of the way so your teammate could walk in a run on a wild pitch! Woooo!" Yeah, I am obnoxious, but funny. :-P

Senior Week ended with a trip to Foxwoods where most of my friends were stingy. I only lost 10 dollars, while other big winners like Bob walked away with 850! Crazy, I know. I was pretty impressed with Senior Week overall and am glad I went to almost everything. It was a great way to go out at WPI.

Graduation Weekend

Whoa. I graduated. My family came in, along with Becky and Tony, and it was great. This is me, pre-graduation, in my lovely spring dress that accentuated my tan skin. Rawr!

Becky and I pre-graduation. The 2005 tassle is just sparkling. :-)

So great story about my robe: I bought the wrong kind. I got the master's robe which has these weird sleeve additions. I had to tuck them in and hope no one would notice as I received my diploma. :-) Here it is... the culmination of my WPI career: receiving my diploma!!!!

The other glitch that day was that Janet Richardson said I was graduating with the wrong honor. She said only distinction when I graduated with high distiction. Anyways, the two guys I sat between were pretty cool. Jeff Budis and I spent most of the ceremony cracking jokes and just having a good time. The funniest part of the ceremony was when this guy (Daniel Colao or something?) walked in late and couldn't find his seat. He asked Ian Buzzanoski what his last name was, and because Ian said a last name with a B, Daniel kept looking for his seat thinking he was in the next row. 10 minutes later, he slinked into his seat with a goofy mortified grin on his face and told us all "Kill me now!" Pretty hilarious.

Post graduation photos were lovely. Here is the Bui family:

My father looked so happy. Believe me when I say this, that smile on his face is genuine and there are so few genuine smiles that grace his face. Next up is me with the bestest friend in the whole wide world and her kickass boyfriend.

Here is a impromptu photo of Patrick and I conversing, taken by Becky. She is all about the natural, unexpected photos.

It was definitely very nice to see him there and he ended up hanging out with us for parts of both days and nights. Next is a photo of my brother, Patton, and I:

Do we look alike? Because, really I think we have very opposite features. He definitely has more my mom's looks while I am more my dad's, but really, we don't even look a whole heck like our parents either. Strange, huh? Anyways, this next photo is of the joo and I... graduates. (Still really weird to say that)

And the last of the post-graduation photos is us 3 out of 4 Danish Dames with our Danish advisor, Thom.

Besides graduation, where was also Baccalaureate, where I had to explain what a vector was to William's parents. Friday night involved going to the Sole to see the most fabulous Jon Abad, who was in town. Friday was low key with hang out time with Becky, Tony, Patton, and Patrick. Saturday was exhausting. We spent so many hours just sitting around the apartment trying to decide what to do. We flipflopped around with the idea of the movies, bowling, putt putt, Target, etc. Patrick was our go-to-guy, really, the computer bitch.

In the end, we all went to see Monster-In-Law, which was practically sold out. Afterwards, we went for dessert, which turned into dinner at Denny's after a failed excursion to Friendly's. It was really nice to just hang out with people that I care about and mix the two worlds I live in and have it all be one world for once. If only that were all the time...

Oak Island, North Carolina

The trip to NC was exactly what I needed. It was a week of pure relaxation with sun and water and just... wonderfulness. The drive down wasn't too bad. It was split between four of us, me, Molly, Katie, and Lisa. I drove the last leg, from 6am-9am, which wasn't bad once I had about two hours of sleep under my belt. Here is a photo of the wonderful beach that I spent every day laying on.

This is a photo of all of us at Provision Co.

The quote of the week happened here. Brianne was looking at the pelicans and really wanted one. The conversation goes:
Brianne: I wanna wrestle one of those!
One of us girls: What, the pelican?
Brianne: No, the car. :-P
I guess you had to be there... haha. The next photos are of us on the beach during sunset.

This is a great photo of Brianne kicking that wave's ass! Catherine dragged her in. It was very entertaining.

Here is a final photo of Katie and I before I drove her to Wilmington Airport to ship her off to Colorado.

Notice how tan I am. :-) Here I am, on the final day, tan as can be, and loving the week I just spent in NC. My first time in the ocean. :-)

The beach was full of TV, drinks, card games, sun burns, tans, killer waves (That was totally wicked!!!), and fun fun fun. The car ride back was ridiculous. I was friggin' peeing like a mofo. I had at least two liters of Mountain Dew. Molly and I also stopped by Laurel, MD to visit Patrick as well. His coop apartment was decent, a little cramped but pretty cool. I gave him the Dr. Pepper Pop Rocks that I bought for him while in Oak Island. I'm sure he loved them.

Back to Reality

Now that I am back in Worcester, life is a little slower... and unsure. But I got a lot of fun stuff on my plate. This week, I have two job interviews and some great time set up in CT. I plan on watching all the original Star Wars and then seeing it in digital projection with Tom. I was also invited to Drew's graduation party yesterday when I visted him while I was at Katie's place watching her pack up the rest of life into her car. Papa Christopher treated us to lunch and we gave moral support as he tried to get Katie's stuff to fit. Anyways, I entertained Drew and his roommate Stu for a little bit while they were packing up and such. I also got to see my favorite person, Topher, on Saturday night. He treated me to Dunkin Donuts and then almost got us killed. It was ggggggreat. And last night, I went out with Derrick, William, and Jocelyn to Thai Cha Da, had drinks at the bar in the Blackstone Valley Theatre and then saw Madagascar. Movies are pretty funny with a drink or two inside of you. :-P

Life is good. If only every day, every week, every month were as good as the past few I've just had. Thank you to all those who have touched my life in some way, bad or good. I've grown a lot over the past four years and I can only hope I keep growing towards a better me. I love my life. And I love all of you.

the beginning of the end

2005-05-14T00:01:00.000-05:00

And so Senior Week begins. And what a fun beginning it was. We went to four bars in about five hours. People were pretty hammered by the last bar, if not the bar before it. I only have 2.25 drinks since I am such a pansy. After my second drink at Irish Times, my shoulders were hurting soooooo bad. I had to stop. After about 20 min, the pain went away and I was able to function correctly again. I hung out with the AGDs, the Sever boys (who clean up very well and are quite handsome when they want to be), and the D4 boys. Here are a few photos:
The hot Danish Dames...

3 out of 4 Sever boys. Doesn't Adam Bryant look studly... or crazy. :-)

Cumfy Mumfy with Joseph Russell Vaughn and Eric...

Oh man... Jblaze was soooo wasted and so was Jocelyn. They are crazy crazy girls. But I love 'em.

Orion was my dancing partner for the night and it was fun being rhythmically challenged with him all night.

Last photo... the cool boys of D4. And I use cool very very loosely. :-)

Anyways, I also got a real quick retirement talk from Mumford, and just had good laughs with everyone. It kind of died half way through Lietrims for me, but I survived. I have to learn that I should always leave on top. I should have left with Carla. Oh well! I got a lot of good photos and I can’t wait for the rest of the Senior Week events.

Looking at my calendar, I feel like I have so many things to do, and places to be. And what I really need to do is STUDY for the actuarial exam. It’s so hard finding that time in between to get things done. But I want a job and I want to be successful. I need to buckle down. Where is Prof. Abraham when you need to be guilted into studying?

So best thing ever: David AKA “the math kid” wants to be real friends, not just college friends. It was by far, the most surprising email I have ever gotten, especially from him. Anyways, it’s very nice to know he wants to keep in touch and I have a feeling we will just likely correspond through email until some future day when we actually hang out again.

This weekend is mainly focused on one city: BOSTON! Tonight, William, Katie, and I (and Tony) went into Boston to go to the GOLD social at Boston Billards to schmooze with other WPI alumni from the past decade. It was pretty cool and low key, except one of the alums hit me in the good ankle with a pool ball! Ouch! But afterwards, with Hanni, we traveled through Boston to get some dessert. We were aiming for Finale, but instead ended up at Bennigans. The quote of the night was "I love a good 'You killed Jesus' joke." It was a lot of fun and we were just laughing. And it was so spontaneous and great. THAT IS WHAT I WANT. A little spontaneity and fun and just... something out of the ordinary.

Anyways, Saturday has us in Boston for the Senior Cruise. And Sunday has us in Boston again for dinner and Blue Man group. I only live once right? Right! This little Boston Trifecta is going to rock! :-)

The PAC Luncheon was... interesting and hilarious. I think William really ummmm made a good impression on President Berkey... or not. Inappropriate is the word. :-)

Adam Dyer IMed me today and apparently, he is graduating from RPI and has a job with LA DPW. So he is going to California! Holy crap! I wonder how he will like it. I feel like Adam is a jaded New Englander/New Yorker. But that is very cool. I haven’t seen him since sophomore year when he randomly came to WPI with Hanni and just… hung out. We weren’t super great friends in high school but going to tech schools really solidified our friendship. Except that WPI is infinitely better than RPI. ;-)

The rest of the Long Island excursion was painful. Total costs were roughly $550 by the end of it. I spent the last night there helping Franny with her venn diagram questions. I really miss algebra. And it wasn’t my ball joint. Upon further inspection, it was the left tie rod that broke completely off. I had both sides replaced since the right side looked bad too. And I also just purchased AAA so that I would be prepared for NC. I think my car is fine otherwise. I need to get an oil change, as well as a general maintenance look to make sure everything will be alright.

Best news ever: I have an interview with CCA in Boston. Keep your fingers crossed! The commute would be interesting, but worth it if I really like what I am doing.

I was reading through my emails sent during my Denmark trip. And I have to say, the best thing to come out of my Rob correspondence was that I kept a small very basic journal of things I did because I’d email him to let him know of my adventures. And I read through other emails sent with Becky, William, Patrick, Ian, and Laura and Bertini (when they were just starting to date). It made me feel very… nostalgic. And happy. Sometimes… you just get this feeling… you are content with life. And it’s because of the people you have in it.

And with that happy thought, I go to bed. Good thoughts, good vibes, a good life.

bad joints

2005-05-09T01:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I thought I was going back to Worcester. Not so much. I was thankfully carrying my "lucky purse" when my car broke down. And you may think, "Vonda, how lucky is that purse? You were carrying it in your first accident where you almost died and now you have it again when your ball joint breaks." And my responses is "Well, I didn't die the first time around, did I? I just fractured my pelvis 7 ways. And this time, I didn't die either. See? Lucky." We honestly were VERY lucky. Had the ball joint given out at any other time, we could have been seriously hurt. We had just exited I-287, about to get onto Hutchinson Parkway when all of a sudden my car starts skidding and making weird noises, almost like a flat tire. We were already slowing down since we were on an exit ramp and pulled over to the side ASAP. On closer inspection, there are no flats but my left front tire is not rotating with the steering wheel. After two calls to 911 (because they didn't find us and forgot us after the first call) and almost 2 hours later, we are towed to the impound in Harrison, NY. From there we hop two trains through Grand Central and to Penn and to Island Park. The guy who towed us thinks it's the ball joint and tomorrow I will call to the Pontiac dealers near Harrison to see what I can have done. I really don't want to miss work on Tuesday over this since I am already missing it the next two Tuesdays for other things.

So that's two bad joints in a year. First my pelvis, and now the ball joint. What the heck!

trying to own my feelings

2005-05-08T01:39:00.000-05:00

I'd do it if I could. I hope you know I would. I like to imagine that is what you are thinking. Sometimes, certain songs, certain lines just reverberate through your head to the point where you feel like life is really snap shots of a something else you've already seen. As if it's not even your own feelings you're feeling. Tonight's feelings are courtesy of Late at Night performed by Buffalo Tom a la My So-Called Life. Depressingly beautiful. Or maybe beautifully depressing. Or just... beautiful.

This weekend was spent on Long Island with the Herberts. Basically, William walked into my room on Friday morning and said, "Hey, do you want to go to Long Island for the weekend? Let me know!" and well... here we are. I think it was the perfect trip to take. I was starting to feel my optimism deteriorate as I scrambled to figure out what I was doing with my life, now that college was over. I'm pretty sure Long Island hasn't helped me towards the ultimate answer (which I learned tonight is 42), but it was a great distraction. It was great to see William's mom's face when she saw William. Pure joy. We've spent the weekend relaxing at the mall and seeing The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, as well as Finding Nemo, and dinner with Franny and the Herberts in general. The Herberts are so funny and great. I can't wait until Worcester gets a taste of William's grandparents during graduation. :-) It's gonna be great.

Best moment at the mall: Going into Catholic Supply to buy my mom a Mother's Day gift and having three different people walk up to William (one of the hugest joos I know) and ask him if he worked there. :-) Too funny.

I admit, I am struggling just a little bit. More than I'd like to. I'm not sure what it is. I consider myself a survivor and pretty good at getting over things like this. Dangerous trend: Proximity.

I guess I should get to bed. We are having Mother's Day breakfast, a visit with the Caufields (Emily was in town this entire weekend and we didn't even know it!), and then trekking home, with a pit stop to see my favorite roommate. I will miss Laura. She is just gone a month, but I swear, she keeps our apartment functioning. :-)

what am i doing

2005-05-05T19:57:00.000-05:00

Really... what am I doing? My room feels... a little empty. My apartment will soon be empty. It's full of people right now, but really it's a group that makes me feel more isolated than welcome. And I'm not depressed really... but I can't say I'm super happy either. Just in a weird in between state. A state of transition, except I have no idea where I'm transitioning to. And it's very scary and different and I almost want to go home just so I can find familiarity. Does everyone feel like this? I hope so. Actually, strike that. I know so.

So I admit, I hate myself just a little bit. I always do this to myself. Every time! Honestly, someone needs to stand and watch over me and kick me in the good leg every time I go down the wrong path.

The last night of the term was very fun. The MAC pizza party was funny and Prof. Abraham gave me a graduation gift (sweet pens). I felt a little old. All the youngin' MAC majors were rowdy and fun. It's good to see them all get along and stick together a bit.

After the food, I headed to the quad and hung out with Patrick at the very random quadapalooza. There was some intense four-square going on where Jblaze was dominating. Once it started to get cold, Patrick and I headed over to Matty's with Katie. We just hung out and chatted it up while Adam Bryant got ready for his RI race car party thingy. After Adam Bryant left, Patrick and I were mischeviouos and planted a few bottle caps in his bed and shuffled his stuff around to mess with his OCD/anal retentiveness. It was definitely amusing. :-P Eventually some key people came over (Jblaze, Big D, and B-dunk) and the party moved over to Jocelyn's. I won my first game of Beirut with Katie against our IQP partners, Matty and Joe, since my freshman year! It was awesome! Katie got wicked trashed and I eventually headed over to Densmore's party. I hung out with Drew (Campbell, not DCW roommate) and Patrick there and finally SNAPped my cripple butt home by 2am. It was a pretty successful last night of the year and I am glad I got to hang out with everyone. :-)

Best drunk story of the night: Joe Vaughn went outside to answer his cell phone and got locked out of Jocelyn's. He was too drunk to realize he could have called one of us to get back in. So instead, he started sprinting in any direction and ended up lost. What a loser, haha. He ended up a mile and half away, near Irish Times downtown. He had to ask for directions on how to get back. Soooo funny. Oh Joe Vaughn, how I will miss him.

Last night I hung out with Patrick, Bob, and Patrick's little brother, Oliver. We played a horribly long game of rummy and then a good game of pitch. I got to see Patrick's ridiculous competitive side. I don't think I've heard him swear as much as I did then. Sheesh! I forget that the expression "It's just a game!" never works on boys. Last time I'll get to hang out with Patrick for quite a while. ::tear::

Sometimes, you just really want to cuddle with someone. No prospects in sight for me though. And I have good vision, too. Just can't read people correctly. That's life, huh?

super tuesday

2005-05-03T00:44:00.000-05:00

Here it is. The last Tuesday of my undergraduate career at WPI. My Super Tuesday. I'm not even going to be there for most of it. Alas, I've got a few hours of interning and a meeting about curve fitting. Excitement, I know. Got some good ol' BBQ with the MAC majors and then some down time at Matty's with the Danish kids. I look forward to being super social. I look forward to beginning the end here at WPI. I look forward to looking back.

I had a small freak out moment about commencement today and I will figure out whether I will need to freak out tomorrow when I talk to the right people. But I was kinda upset at a particular friend for not exactly being the most sensitive at the time. I shouldn't be surprised but this person's actions... but sometimes, you expect more from someone who you consider to be close. Tears, frustration, yada yada yada. I am a roller coaster of emotions and I only imagine it getting worse as more "lasts" happen. Last chances...

Hey, you. Listen up. Think Nike: Just do it!

ama me fideliter

2005-05-02T00:43:00.000-05:00

I went to see Carmina Burana. Oh Fortuna was friggin' amazing. Break-taking. William and I were very very excited. And Sid really wanted some violence to happen since Oh Fortuna reminds him of The Gladiator. :-) It was definitely a good time and very adult of us to go.

So... I'm graduating. I'm gonna say it again... graduating. Wow, it just rolls off the tongue weird. Anyways, I got an A on my MQP. :-) So that means I am graduating with high distinction. Looking back on my academic career, I feel really proud of what I've done. It wasn't a perfect record, or the best, but I worked for every A or B or C and do not reget anything.

This past weekend was decent, for my last weekend as an undergraduate. Friday was the SocComm Appreciation Dinner (which probably left me feeling a little worse than better unfortunately... but I won't go into great detail), and then just relaxing at home. I called my default phone friend, Tom, and we chatted for several hours until Hanni wanted to three way in her drunken stupor. :-P It was definitely one of the best three ways I've ever had. She is so funny when drunk.

Saturday was ccccrazy. Carla, Katie, and I went shopping for 5.5 hours. Holy crap! I got a new dress and several new shirts and just crap in general. We all spent at least $100 with Katie going to almost $150. We were definitely those chatty shopping girls who swap clothes in the fitting room and laugh giddily. Carla and Katie also had a bra fitting at Victoria's Secret and it was friggin' hilarious. I will miss hanging out with them come June. After the shopping marathon, I went and saw a few amatuer short films with Patrick and then just hung out with him for the rest of the night, almost to the bird chirping state. Actually I think birds would have been chirping if it hadn't been raining last night. :-)

Tomorrow (or today) is the last Monday of the year. I have a phone interview with CCA about a traveling consulting job early on. I hope it goes well. I'd like a job. Really, I'd like a job.

Do you ever have a moment where you'd like to have a re-do? Yeah I would. Seriously, I just need to go for it. I am just far too cautious. I need a flippin' sign. A green light... or even a big stop sign. Clear signs. Or to have someone else take the right of way and go first.

I just want someone to ama me fideliter. Then again, who doesn't want that?

I'm not sure how I feel about all that is happening right now - college ending, jobs, graduation, friends leaving, etc. I'm happy, sad, confused, frustrated, excited, giddy, just... everything. I'm on the verge of adulthood. I'm on the verge of the unknown. I'm just... on the verge.

AGGGGGGGH!

2005-04-25T10:24:00.000-05:00

Trying... to... not... go... insane... from... m... q... p...

AGGGGGGH!!

integrate this

2005-04-24T02:34:00.000-05:00

Tonight was the Reel Big Fish concert. It went well. I am not a crazy huge fan, but it was an upbeat time. I believe the opening act, the Pie guys, were ridiculously trashed... not very professional on their part. I enjoyed the night sitting between my two favorite joos, Adam and William. It's always fun to make snide remarks with Adam. :-)

I most likely shouldn't be up this late considering I went to bed last night pretty late. Friday was spent with some Dragon Night, Will Ferrell at Jocelyn's as well as Euchre with Alex (we kicked ass and won), and then my first time with Seinfield, which was provided by Patrick. It was in exchange for me getting him free into the concert. :-) We watched four or five episodes and then just hung out until the birds started chirping, which is roughing 4:30 in case anyone was wondering. :-P

MQP is drawing to a close and I still do not feel confident in my work. I doubt I will do much else the next few days. I still need to reread my chapters for ETR and send out my summaries to the group. I am up right now because I just finished writing my part of the paper. I always sent it out late at night, but I have never been the last to send in their part. :-)

I got to pie Prof. Heinricher on Friday. It was a ski team fundraiser and they raffled away the right to pie several professors. I had 8 tickets in Heinricher's cup, and it took four tries before they called my name (the first three names weren't present). It was pretty funny. He reminded me that he hasn't signed my CDR yet, hahaha. William got to pie Prof. Larson and ummm he did it very meanly. When he won, he did a victory lap and then took the pie, went up to Larson and said "Integrate this!" and really laid it on Larson. It was comical, but I told him he should most likely go shake Prof. Larson's hand since he wasn't super mature during the pieing. Overall it was a good time and I am glad that Prof. Heinricher and Prof. Larson are such good sports.

I can't believe that April 28th will be the last day of real undergraduate work for me. It's scary. With that I need to get to bed. Tomorrow is possible brunch at DAKA with Patrick, a little party, and most likely MiHA (Movie in Harrington Auditorium) and then a whole lotta MQP. I will most likely be doing MQP during the movie... I am a loser... I know. :-)

pure torture

2005-04-19T22:58:00.000-05:00

MQP presentations are over and done with. I think I did a good job. I was calm, I felt prepared, and I feel I was clear. My partner did alright, and I kept her talking to a minimum, because I know it's not really her strong point.

My dreams have been very strange lately. I am not liking it. They are on the verge of nightmares. Nothing bad happens quite yet, but every time, it's on the verge of something bad, VERY BAD. Most of the time, possible death of some sort. But every time, I wake up or somehow... miraculously save myself. What do these dreams mean? Why am I dreaming about danger and death?

So, lately, my thoughts have been getting the best of me. And I consider it pure torture. I hate thinking about life in general sometimes. Whether it be the future, love, the present, etc. I just wish things would appear more promising or things could be different. I am 22. What have I got to say for my life?

To celebrate Project Presentation Day, Katie and I went to the B with Matty, Mumford, an Schmitty. It was a nice time and a few drinks definitely got me a little "happier" than usual. Now that we have done the presentation, everything feels very anti-climactic. But I still need to write a lot of my MQP. Well not A LOT, but there is still a lot of work to be done. And now... I am can smell graduating with high distinction. But I would be glad with distinction as well. I just want to graduate.

I have gotten the hiccups a lot lately. Not sure why. At first it was entertaining. Not so much anymore. :-P

It's almost Tom's Birthday. Must get ready to call him precisely at midnight. :-P What a fabulous friend I am.

just scream

2005-04-18T11:05:00.000-05:00

The first step is to admit. And then over analyze. And then scream.

MQP is killing me. I can't do anymore. I just want to hand in the crap that it is, take my B or C and live with it. I will graduate with distinction and that is fine at this point. I am ready for the real world, even though the real world is without a job.

Next Thursday is salvation. I see this day as the first day of the rest of my adult life. Scared? A little. Excited? A little. Confused? A lot. Where am I going?

April 28th

2005-04-17T19:49:00.000-05:00

College is slowly winding down. And by slowly, I mean crazily spirally towards mental breakdown. :-P MQP is going to be over in 11 days. THANK GOD. But Project Presentation Day is Tuesday! I am so nervous.

Life is the usual. I have so little to say. NV was lovely, and William was great. Leases are signed for the next year and hopefully Fidelity will give a call back this week.

Can it be April 28th? :)

something, someone

2005-04-09T03:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I just need to talk. And when you feel like just talking, and the person you want to talk to just says no, I'm busy... it just hurts a little. I don't even have anything important to say. Just want the company, the companionship, the moment to just share about the day, no expectations... just talk.

Life changes so much and yet, stays the same. Which is worse?

blog?

2005-04-03T11:26:00.000-05:00

I forgot that I am supposed to blog. And journal. I have decided I have officially become wicked boring! Why! Is this what the rest of life is like? Work, sleep, eat, clean, and leisure time? Agh! I need some excitement. :-P

So I went to see Phantom of the Opera with Katie, Bertini, and Laura. It was an ok performance, a little hard to tell what they are saying at times. But it was really nice to be in Boston. We went to dinner at Houstons and visited Hanni at Yankee Candle and then Bertini got us free ice creams at Steve's. :-) It was delish.

So MQP is really starting to scare the bejeezus out of me. Seriously... I think I am going to freak out any day now. I mean FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

::whew:: That felt nice to say that. Freak out.

Sin City was pretty friggin' cool. I can only handle stylized violence. I invited Patrick to join us SocComm kids. I forgot he doesn't like blood though, and ummm there was a lot of blood in that movie. :-P At least some of it came out white and not blood bright red. But when it did, Patrick looked away. I am glad I am semi-OK with blood, but I guess I had to be after this summer and all the blood they took out of me and put into me.

Pope John Paul II died. Although I no longer consider myself a Catholic, I do have the utmost respect for John Paul II. I might not have agreed with his Catholic views and such, but I respect him for the work he has done in this world. He was an advocate for peace and most likely the best pope the Roman Catholic church has ever had. May he rest in peace and know that he lead a good life full of good deeds. He is the only pope that many of us have ever really known or remembered. Change is in the air and I am excited to see who will be voted the next pope. Also, I am sure my mother will go to churh every single day of this month to pray for the pope. God bless her good and crazy devoted heart.

I vacuumed for the first time in forever. It feels so good and smells great. I love the clean smell and the lack of a mess in my room. I did it all tonight so that tomorrow I could spend all day doing MQP. Maybe I will also read my ETR case study. Which by the way, my group, the ETR Stars, got an A on our team analysis. Hot. :-P Wicked wicked hot.

I just finished Harry Potter: The Order of the Phoenix. Wow, I am wicked addicted and I cannot wait until Harry PotteR: The Half-Blood Prince comes out. I need Hanni around so we can just obsessively talk about Harry Potter so I can get it out of my system. William read them, but he is a douche and isn't very fun. :-)

Easter was spent at Crow and at first it started as a 6 or 7 person affair and turned into a 20 person affair. But it was a lot of fun and good food and I had turkey leftover to make at least 4 days of turkey sandwiches. Yessssss.

The April Fool's website had waaaaay too much drama. Friggin' retarded people. I think some people really do not understand WPI. And they need to start, or else leave. Because I do not want WPI to become everyone else. Ever heard of a thing called being unique?

Best part of this weekend: the clocks turn ahead. :-) More daylight just gets me giddy. And the weather is getting warmer and warmer, and I just asked my mom to send me all my jean skirts since I forgot to grab them last time. I look forward to wearing spring/summer clothes and enjoying the summer I missed out on this past year. Anyways, I will turn my clocks ahead this moment so I don't forget. The lack of that extra hour for sleep is worth it for that extra hour of sun. Mmm.

So... it's been almost 9 months since my accident. And my hip doesn't feel that great lately. Weather? Arthritis? I'm not sure. It's on and off pain. I need to hit up the gym and keep working up my strength. Am I ever going to be 100%? I hope so. But I am almost starting to accept that I might be stuck with this limp forever.

Again, I end with I need a job. :-P I had a great phone interview with Fidelity. I hope it goes somewhere. It sounds pretty cool. Allmerica is fine as well. Hmmm, I need to start studying for Exam P. I need to pass. I need to be on top of my game. Again... I need a job. :-)

journaling

2005-03-21T23:58:00.000-05:00

So blogger is taking the hit. I have officially begun journaling again. Free reign. No worries. Just... me.

But blogger is still fabulous. I admit I am busier but very boring. I'm somewhat running into routine - basically interning, SNAP, and finishing my last course at WPI as well as MQP. Not as much new.

For Easter, I am supposedly spending it at Crow with Katie and William and Crow Co. That should be a good time. Katie and I are going to try our darndest to bake a pie. Any suggestions?

I cannot wait until SNAPplications are done with. They are a lot of work and very hard since there were so many good people who applied. Just a few more days!

I need a job. That is all.

22

2005-03-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

I don't think I have anymore to add. 22 is a large enough number as is.

my so called life

2005-03-09T03:04:00.000-05:00

I have to stop watching My So-Called Life before I go to bed. The episodes… they drain me emotionally and it makes me lay there for hours just wondering whether I live life up to its full potential. And I realize I’m not and that kills me. How do I change this? I need to. I have to. I’ve been near death… and now that statement sounds so ridiculous. Because really, aren’t we near death every day? Who is to say this very next second isn’t our last? And because of that very thought, why do I not lead life like it isn’t? I spent so many seconds of my life this year thinking, “When I get better and I can live again, I am going to do so much and appreciate so much and just live.” And now, I am better, but am I really living? Sometimes, I just get this hollow ache. When I’m home, or alone or just thinking, I begin to doubt everything - doubt myself, doubt why I do what I do, doubt life. Am I the person I want to be? And even if I’m not, could I really change? Is this random spurts of depression? I don’t think it is. It’s just… reality. Or at least my reality. And I so desperately want to change my reality sometimes. But I guess that change seems like such a fantasy. And that... is depressing.

Change is so hard. You want control. But change is out of control. Accepting that, for me, is the hardest part about life. Accepting change, adapting to change, changing again and again and again. Life without change isn't much of a life at all. But sometimes, I wish I handled it better. A huge flaw is the way I handle certain changes. I try to ignore it, and pretend it isn't happening. Or I see it coming and make something else happen so as to counteract it. And ironically, by trying to avoid that change, it happens anyways because of everything I did to try to avoid it. I don't even think I realize I do it sometimes until I'm somewhere I don't want to be, or I'm something I hate. That is when I realize... dammit change is a bitch. Or... I am the bitch. Or even better... I am change's bitch. If only I realized that earlier in the game, I'd probably avoid a lot of pain and problems. But who ever learns lessons the easy way? Not me. Part of my spunkiness I guess... to most of you, that is me being stubborn.

::sigh:: Sometimes I think the thoughts you have before you go to bed have the potential to be life altering. They are the thoughts that speak the truth about what you desire and what you love and hate about everything and anything. I guess it's a segway to your dreams and nightmares. And when you wake up, it fades away... erased by the obligations, the daylight, the responsible side of yourself. Every once in a while, I am able to remember those last few thoughts... those fleeting seconds of my dream which feel like an eternity when I'm living them the first time around... and... those few seconds make life a little less harsh... and turn a few seconds, hours, days, years of my life into something worth living for.

it's tough coming home

2005-03-07T18:14:00.000-05:00

It's not that I don't love my family and love Erie. But I think I have outgrown it. Home becomes less familiar and less warming each time I come here. I feel like the long lost relative visiting for a few days. And that is fine. I know deep down, I belong in New England. Or basically I don't belong in Erie anymore. A few more years and I am not even sure I would be visiting. Becky might have a job in CA, mom might move to New Orleans, and Patton might actually do something with his life. And my other friends might have moved on as well, to college, to jobs, to something different, something that is anything but Erie. I am ready for the next chapter of my life.

I didn't go on the American Express interview. I think I would only go there if I were REALLY desperate. Which I'm not... yet. I applied to three other positions the other day, two in Boston and one in Worcester, and am still slightly hoping Allmerica works out, at least for a year. I am ordering an Actec manual and am really going to start studying for this exam. I am going to throw myself at life as an actuary and give it what I got. I owe it that much at least.

I am turning 22 soon, about a week. Strange. 22 years. I wish... that we could record every moment of our lives. 22 years and I feel like I can only rememeber a fourth of it. I know that is what our human brains are truly capable of, but someday, I hope we can do more and remember more. By remembering more, I think we would learn more and not make so many stupid mistakes. History. Very powerful.

Becky's mom still gives me birthday cards with money. It's very touching. She signs it with "Love always, Katie, Bruce, Melissa, and Jessica." And I know the love always is very true. They are my family. I visit them as much as I visit my real family. And I love them a lot.

The other day, Hanni and I were playing Scrabble at Tom's place. He took out a slip of paper and it was dated August 2000 and, in my handwriting, said "Tom Muller laughs w/o a noise." Wow. That really took me back to the days of carefree summers and board games and just simple hangouts at the Muller house on Lincoln Ave. Times have really changed.

We visited Mohegan Sun too and it was pretty fun. I only lost $1.50 for the entire day of slots. It was awesome. Tom and Hanni were jealous of my lucky streak. They both lost about 10 or a little more. I can't wait to check out Foxwoods.

I think I might start journaling again. Blogging is great, but there is only so much you can say before you really start to bare your soul and feel naked. And i feel like my life is going to soon take a new turn and I want to remember as much of it as I can. Make better choices and make a better life. If that is even possible. Sometimes I wonder...

being an adult

2005-02-26T14:44:00.000-05:00

This past week was the Career Fair. I stopped by the Allmerica table and then American Express table. The Allmerica people were cool. I stopped by and basically told them that I was interested in a job there... and ironically, I already WORK for them as an INTERN. They found me pretty funny. They wrote down my name and it seemed pretty promising. William also dropped off his resume there and said right off the bat, "I want to work in HR!" and the ladies liked him I think. The American Express table had two guys, I think both WPI alums (I know one was). They were pretty cool and I have an interview with them next Friday at 9am. I'm not 100% sure if I want to be a Financial Advisor, but it does seem interesting. I just would really like a job in Worcester since I plan on being here for the next year. I am kinda excited for the next year. :-) Hopefully it will be as great as I hope it's going to be.

I am kinda going through a weird mood these days. I am not 100% sure what it is. But a weird hollow ache going on. I think I need excitement. I'm almost 22 and feeling a teeny tiny incomplete. To be a sap, I think it has to be the lack of a male companion. I mean I have William, but we all know how useless that is. :-P

MQP is moving along. Still have a lot of work but I am starting to feel really proud of the results I am getting. I hope it's something that gets me a job.

Things are really changing. But life goes on... that's just the way it is...

danish wannabe

2005-02-21T01:59:00.000-05:00

Well... been a good week. I can't remember much of the week but the weekend has been nice. Friday was spent with Laura and William and Topher for the first part. We made dinner and chit chatted. It was soooooo nice to see Topher for once. I miss hanging out with my fellow short companion. If only we had more hang out time. I should send more more exchange appointments. :-P We went to the mall where I got a featherbed and it's fab. After a few harassing phone calls from the Denmark kids, I finally headed over to Katie's. Whoa, there were some trashed people there! I called Patrick and he joined the life of the party as well. Carla threw lots of coins everywhere and Mumford threw them at Carla to retaliate. I saw a certain someone make out with a girl and a gay boy. Yowsers... not something I really wanted to see! :-P It was a pretty funny night over all though and it was great to see Joe and ask him uber personal questions. And time spent with Carla is time spent well.

Saturday was Katie day. We went shopping where I dropped some mula on dressier clothes for work and such. We watched the Prince and Me with William where we oooohed and awwwwed at the screen and screamed whenever we saw something we recognized. We also made fun of the actors because they were Brits trying to be Danish and it was just wrong. Danes have HORRIBLE accents when it comes to speaking English. None the less, we love the movie. It's been a binge on Denmark kind of week. We had the ID 2050 talk this past week and I think it really pumped up the new kids going and really made the rest of us wish we were going back. We went to the B for drinks afterwards and it was just so nice to be together again. Anyways, we spent some time at SAE later Saturday night with Joe and then talked with another soon to be Dane, Kevin Glynn. Man Denmark is everywhere. It makes me miss it so bad.

I got a new smell over the weekend as well. I made a stop at Victoria's Secret with William and Lamie. Between us four, we got 7 bottles of VS's scents. My new smell is Amber Romance which is a nice soft vanilla smell. Nothing heavy. I like it thus far. I still have my Clinique though, just in case I want to go back to citrus again.

MQP sucks. Now it's the writing part. Ick.

Work is OK. Tomorrow I get to work on testing all that reading crap I read this week. Loss development, here I come!

Now I am officially tired. @

shoving it to people

2005-02-14T22:38:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was a pretty good one minus being crappily sick. Tom and I arrived in Boston and went shopping where I bought two small purses and a cute red wallet. I also got a small fake Coach ID holder thingy and lots of goodies in Chinatown. We went to dinner in the North End at Seraceno (sp?) and then got dessert at Mike's which was tooooooo good. I felt like I was back in Venice again, especially drinking the house merlot. I got to finally meet Kyle and Bethany. They were really funny and we kept trading Hanni stories and I would tell them what a bitch she was in high school. We also ran into this mega gay Emerson guy and his two friends from out of town. They asked where we all went and when I told them I went to WPI, one of the girls became struck with awe and just said "Oh wow!" as if I were some genius. It was awesome.

Later on, Kyle got retardedly drunk and started talking A LOT. And he kept asking Tom all these hard movie trivia questions that Tom actually knew and I think Kyle wanted to secretly do Tom right there and then whenever he answered something right. We watched SNL where one of the good skits was "Gays in Space" and Weekend Update with Seth and Fred acting like Charles and Camilla was HORRIFYING due to their awkward gayness. Kyle had the quote of the night with "But she didn't shove it to you!" Drunkity McDrunk Drunk!

Later on, I slept in Hanni's bed as Hanni and Kyle slept on the floor beside me. I am gonna kick Hanni's ass. :-) But I love her and I did leave my Nalgene and new purchases in her room, so I have to be nice if I want them back. She is coming to Worcester for the start of spring break and then we are heading to Tom's to spend the night and then spend the day at Mohegan Sun gambling like old ladies at the nickel slot machine. Hotness.

I just got My So-Called Life in the mail... and it is so amazing. I am only on episode 2 of 19. Do not worry, I will fix that soon enough. It's a nice break from Sex and the City, but really Sex and the City will always win.

Oh yeah Happy Valentine's Day. Or not. No Valentine. Surprise! NOT! It's OK. It's all overrated. Anyways, I will now give a list of things I look for in guys:
1. Witty and able to do banter
2. Knows how to give a hard time without over-doing it
3. Geeky/dorky but well rounded
4. Has to be into film and movies
5. Understands my sense of humor
6. Can handle me being really open about every day things ;-)
7. Likes math, even a little
8. Accepts my close friendships with other people who have strong personalities
9. Accepts my personal lifestyle choices and does not pressure me to change them
10. Likes women, especially me
11. Is open-minded (especially about gay stuff, religion (or the lack of it), race, etc)
12. Can handle big crazy Asian-ness and the madness of my family
13. Will let me keep my maiden name (come on, Vonda Bui sounds so damn good!)
14. Wants a family
15. Likes living in the New England or at least North Atlantic region
16. In general... just gets me!!
That isn't in some important order or anything, just listed. If you know of someone cool enough and fits the description and actually might LIKE me, holla! :-P I'm not desparate, but I admit I am getting a little bored of the single life. I am pretty good at leading it though, I guess.

The first day at Allmerica was alright. I was really close to being late. It looks like it's gonna be a nice size amount of work, but I look forward to it. The other intern who got hired was a WPI student as well. I hope she is a good intern and better than other partners I've had.

I've got to get cracking on MQP. And get some rest. I feel so icky and I am run down and I hate it. I can't miss anymore meetings. That is all for life now.

d4 mini reunion

2005-02-12T00:40:00.000-05:00

Tonight was a blast! There was a small D4 reunion which consisted of me, William, Jocelyn, Derrick, Wilson, and Orion. We went to Thai Cha Da and then saw Hitch. They are still the same guys they were three years ago, except they drink more now. :-P And like most WPI guys, they are somehow trying to get with the ladies. Somehow, I just don't see it happening yet, haha. I think we (as in William and I) definitely want to hang out with them sometime soon again. Next conquest, though, is getting hangout time with Topher. He is so busy, I hope he can fit us in before he heads to Australia. Things have gotten so bad that we have resorted to IMing eac other when we are barely 5 feet from each other. :-P

S0 after barely after being healthy all of a week or so, I am sick again. I somehow relapsed and I am not thrilled. Laura got me some chloraseptic and I plan on using it when I spent the next day in Boston. I am very excited about getting to hang out with my biatch and Tom. I am glad that we've all had more time for each other. And I am so proud to say that I am still very clost with the friends I made in high school. I think we are actually all closer. It's amazing.

My brother is itching for my desktop. I feel like I don't want to part with it. But I do have the laptop, and it is great. What to do? Probably make him pay for it. Only fair. He's family, so he will get a nice discount, of course.

There was a little upset feelings in the apartment, but we are working on them... sorta. I love Laura, she works so hard for this apartment.

Well time for a shower and some rest. Maybe I can feel a little better before I head into Boston. When I wake up, Tom Muller will be here. Yesssssss.

such is the life

2005-02-10T01:03:00.000-05:00

Well life seems pretty good lately. I start my internship on Valentine's Day. I am very excited. :-)

This weekend, I am going into Boston with Tom to visit Hanni. I want William to visit, too, so Hanni and I can introduce our gbfs to everyone. :-) Hanni works from 2-7, so Tom and I will kill time seeing a movie or going to a museum or something. Then it will be dinner, drinks, sleep, and celebrating the new year in Chinatown. It's the year of Cock. So party hard!

Well I have been thinking about it some, and I believe that I am going to stay in Worcester after graduation. I am hoping this internship at Allmerica will lead into a full-time position of some sort. And I will continue to apply to other places, but now I will limit it to just New England - areas I can commute to from Worcester. And if nothing comes through, I would consider taking grad classes, or something along that line. My father actually agreed with my decision and I was pleased to hear him approve. Now if only I could get William to stay here too... does anyone at WPI know a job position that William could fulfill? :-)

It's official, MQP has been extended to D term. I am OK with that. I just need to finish it, really. It's my last graduation requirement. I got the go ahead email and the financial aid exiting email as well. So weird... graduating? Four years goes by too fast.

I had a dream last night where some guy stabbed me in the back with a lego sword of some sort. And I kept avoiding him throughout my dream and running away. And the way he finally got me was someone I knew distracted me as he stabbed me. It felt real. Does that mean somewhere out there, a friend is stabbing me in the back? It wouldn't be the first sign I've received in a dream. I had a dream where I got the internship and cried from happiness. And that came true (the internship, not the crying). Too bad I really don't want someone stabbing me in the back... wouldn't be the first time, huh? :-P Women lead such hard lives when it comes to relationship with other women.

Hello, my name is Vonda and I am an American Idol addict. So much so that I no longer TiVo The West Wing. And that is a huge move to do!

Sleep is also addicting. I'll go get my fix now.

such a good day

2005-02-04T23:46:00.000-05:00

Well ladies and gents, I am not as worthless as I previously thought. I really felt that I didn't get the internship at Allmerica when they didn't call back soon enough, but apparently they liked me! And they offered me the internship. I can only hope this leads to a full time position or at least adds a nice boost to my resume. I don't feel as destitute now about finding a job. :-) I am so happy.

One of the best feelings in the world is when you freshly vaccumm your room and use that carpet scent stuff and your carpet is so fresh and so clean clean. You can walk barefoot and not feel any dirt or crumbs and such. LOVE IT.

MQP is a little better, but I really don't think we will finish this term. I don't think it's where it needs to be. But we will see. My partner is making more of an effort and that is better I guess. I just want to be done with it and graduate.

I need to figure out where I am living soon. Laura wants to know by the end of the term if I am living here next year or not. I am almost tempted to take it, because I would most likely be trying to get a job in this area, near Boston, Providence or horrors of horrors, Connecticut. And the commute would suck but it would be very do-able. I am still unsure. I like my apartment and my roommates. Although it really wouldn't be the same without William. I need to figure this out soon, I just wish I had a job to focus my decisions on. Gotta keep sending out the resumes and cover letters and keep having good interviews. I om 1/1 on interviews. :-)

Spring break has been finalized. I am going home with Hanni. I hope that biatch doesn't drive too slow.

Speaking of Erie friends, I am VERY VERY upset with John. He lied to us about his illness. Why does he hide things like this?

Well time for some down time. :-) Loving life.

clever

2005-01-31T17:08:00.000-05:00

I received my first real compliment from my MQP advisors today. He said that the method I used to distribute my losses was clever! Yesssss. It wasn't an overly bad beat up on Vonda day for once. My partner didn't show though and didn't send me an email to say she wasn't showing either. I wonder why she didn't show. Anyways, MQP is kinda on its way... ok not really. :-P

The AGD Retreat was disastous. First my car left the latest because Carla forgot her gig book pages and then Jillian had a fight with her boyfriend. So anyway, we left late, but mananged to beat every car but Molly's and Catherine's (out of about 10 cars total). I guess I drive fast. Anyways, we get there and the gates are locked. We are stuck in our cars for at least an hour and some. Finally when we do get into the lodge, we start a fire... and what do you know the flew or whatever you call it was open, but filled with snow. So the smoke floods the entire lodge and we have to leave the lodge because we couldn't breathe and the smoke stung our eyes. It was so bad, it was funny. Bonding through disasters I guess... anyways, it was a great night otherwise. The seniors did some bonding and it was a pretty good time minus all the crap we had to go through to get there.

Saturday night I hung out with Katie, Matty, Jblaze, Patrick (which was a nice surprise), Molly, and a few other random people. I went to my first Russell St. Party and it was a pretty good time. I got caught up with Andy Kim and we compared out easiness when it comes to getting the Asian night sunburn. It was refreshing to be out and about. I must do that more!

I am offically in SocComm Social Security AKA I am a SocComm elder and get into stuff free with no obligation. Sweet. I like hanging out, I just don't want to do work. :-P I do enough work on MQP.

This weekend I am feeling Hotel Rwanda, some acapella, and who knows what else. Anyone is free to join me. :-) What I do know is I can't wait for this coming free weekend!

enough already

2005-01-26T21:49:00.000-05:00

My laptop rocks my friggin' socks. I love it. I can't part with it. I hope this obsessive phase eventually leaves my system. :)

So we had this shitty snow storm that caused a state of emergency and put a few feet on the ground. And low and behold, this morning at 7am, it was snowing again. Yowsers. SNAP was canceled again, evening classes were canceled, and another state of emergency was called apparently. I think the snow needs to take a break.

The AGD retreat is this weekend, my last one. Hope it's a good time. Some key seniors better be there or I'm gonna be pretty ticked.

As I was transferring stuff from my desktop to my laptop, I found an old message I had written to someone my freshman year. Reading it made me cringe, laugh, tear up a bit, and feel... closure. It's nice to read gut wrenching messages and no longer feel the pain. I still can't believe I wrote all that I did.

American Idol is quickly becoming my favorite TV show right now. Four seasons in and I finally become a full fledged fan. I am rooting for David Brown. He was soulful, kind, pure, and just a good package. The song he sang gave me chills.

Anyways, as William's away message says right now: Early to bed, early to rise.

whoa snow

2005-01-23T23:41:00.000-05:00

Well it is definitely Worcester with a white blanket over it. I'd say a few feet? It's hard to tell since the winds make some areas look larger than others. All I know is that my van was snowed in and it took me over an hour and some to shovel it out. Although I was tired and lost feeling in my ass, I felt somewhat accomplished knowing I could do it. Scott and Laura were very impressed I did it.

The Pats go to the Superbowl again. Looks like this is New England's year, minus John Kerry not being elected President. I knew it would be a 2/3 kind of thing. Had the NHL not had a lockout, it would have been interesting to see how that would have turned out. But I'm pretty sure the Boston Bruins aren't THAT good and the same can be said of the Celtics.

William and I watched the last 8 episodes of Sex and the City. As we watched, I gave him the director's commentary. He just loved me for it... not. :-) The quote of the weekend for us had to be "I love you... unconditionally." That's what best friends are for!

My laptop should be here tomorrow! And if not tomorrow, then definitely Tuesday. How excited am I? Too excited. :-)

With that, I hit the sack! It's warmer in bed.

doubly jinxed

2005-01-22T19:18:00.000-05:00

Well... I jinxed myself. I said at my MQP meeting that it had been a very long time since I had been sick. Should have known better. The very next day, the congestion and dry throat came. Now fatigue. Goody.

Due to not feeling well and the impending snow, I decided to opt out of the SocComm Retreat. I hope they had a good time. Instead I spent my time sleeping/napping, trying to get the nasal airway clear with drugs, MQP, doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and disinfecting everything within sight. I hope last night and today was the peak of the illness and from now on, only healthiness will happen.

I can't imagine owning a house one day and having to clean that house on a regular basis. When I clean my room and the bathroom and do my gross dishes, it takes ALL day. It's exhausting. And then throw in kids... it's just overwhelming to think of! Patrick suggested a maid one day... let's hope I am successful enough to hire one. At least today I couldn't really smell any of the chemicals. A nice side effect to congestion.

MQP is a bit stressful. I need to meet with my advisor and discuss a few concerns I have. I just worry a lot "things" and yeah... jinxed in this department. ::sigh:: I just want at least a B, and an A would be super nice. Oh well, whatever happens happens. I will just do my best and weather the "pick on Vonda" MQP meetings as best as I can.

Well it's time to crawl back into bed. Rest and relaxtion are the key to feeling better. Oh and Sex and the City. :-)

dull

2005-01-18T00:29:00.000-05:00

My interview went pretty well and I hope I get the internship. Pretty please.

Life has been pretty calm otherwise. I am very fulfilled in the movies department. I saw The Aviator with Tom and In Good Company with Mel and Patrick. Both excellent. Leonardo DiCaprio is amazing as Howard Hughes and Topher Grace holds a special place in my heart. :-P

Dinner with Mel was so nice. I am very glad she is back and missed her a lot. I just hope she keeps her spirits up about everything. I heart her.

For some reason, I just never feel like I have much to blog about. I need to work on a more exciting life. :-P

relaxed

2005-01-12T23:00:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow's the first day of classes and it feels so... relaxed. I like it.

The ride back from Erie was pretty good. I drank two Mountain Dews and ate lots of Starburst. I felt so sick though from all that sugar. But I was completely awake through the ride and felt safe.

My room is completely clean and I love it. It's so organized and good.

I am visiting Tom this weekend and we will most likely see In Good Company or maybe The Aviator. He came the other day and we saw Sideways and went to Thai Cha Da with William. Sideways was pretty funny and dinner was cccrazy funny. I was laughing so hard, it hurt. "Black people" was the whisper of the night.

I have an interview at Allmerica on Monday and I am wicked nervous. I really want the internship. I really want a job. I really want to be a worthy grown up.

2005 already

2005-01-04T01:07:00.000-05:00

Alas. It's 2005. Hurrah.

Out of the 16 days I have been on break, I have spent 10 of them out of Erie. Strange. But it's been very nice to travel and not be in Erie. And soon enough I will be leaving town to head back to Worcester, this weekend really. Nice.

I spent New Year's in Syracuse with Tom, Ben, Hanni, and John. We just mellowed out. It was nice and slow. A little too slow at times, but not horrible. And I have realized I judge Ben too harshly. I really need to work on that, because he is my friend and I should not treat a friend like that.

So I have been looking at the referrals to my blog and searches for "Peter Sarsgaard penis" or "frontal nudity Peter Sarsgaard" keep referring to my blog. Kinda funny. Yes, internet surfers, you can see Peter Sarsgaard's penis in Kinsey. No I do not have a photo of it. By the way... LOTS of hair. :-P

I had a bomb dropped on me last night. A friend just kinda sorta proposed to his ex-girlfriend. It threw me for a loop. I do not really want to discuss why it threw me for a loop. But it did. And I know he was looking for my advice/approval since I know him so well. I gave my support because we are very good friends and friends support friends. I am still not sure on approval and I refuse to give advice. All I can think is... wow. And oh boy. And jeez. And ??????

Exciting news: William and I are charting our bowl movements in Excel. Yes, I said we are charting our poop! I can't wait to see the results. It's also cool to keep track of your eating too. Maybe this will be more of an asset than I think!

No more Tinseltown for me. I think I am done with the place. I worked 24 hours in three days and that was MORE than enough. Plus it isn't the place it used to be really. I am definitely in the "older group" and a lot of the people who made it fun are gone or don't work in my area. It was nice while it lasted.

I need a job. I need to figure out what I am doing with the rest of my life or at least the next year. All this makes my head hurt. Help?

snow

2004-12-26T02:04:00.000-05:00

Damn, it snowed down here, in New Orleans. And not just a little flurry, but enought to make weak snowmen. My family was in a frenzy while my brother and I just layed on the couch thinking, "What's all the fuss about?" We take the snow for granted. :-P

I leave Monday to get back to Erie. I have two shifts or so up at Tinseltown. I think that will be all though. I don't want to work too much more. I am going to Syracuse to see John John hopefully and want to come back to WPI early to kick back and just relax, instead of stressing over work. Somewhere in there, I am trying to work Tom Muller into the picture. We shall see.

I updated my resume finally and my goal for break is to get them all out to a whole bunch of different places. I need a job! I applied for a second semester internship at Allmerica. Let's see where that goes.

I am really going to miss New Orleans when I leave. It's so much fun hanging out with the family. Granted, I have been to church and prayed every day I've been here, but it's not too bad. OK the Catholic stuff sucks, but I deal. Apparently, my family thinks it's a sin to have voted Kerry. Call me a sinner. :-P The past few days have been full of sitting out and shooting the shit, gossiping, playing Texas Hold 'Em (which I've won three times and racked up $125... I am pretty lucky and everyone respects me now in poker... I thank ESPNs World Series of Poker for its great teaching methods during my three months of wheelchair-ness), and just plain family fun. Tomorrow we are bowling and have the usual Sunday dinner. Sometimes, I consider moving south after school and getting a job down here. It's way cheaper and my whole family is here. My mom will probably move down here some day soon too. Who knows? I know I'd never be alone and feel very apart of something and loved. It's tough. I love New England too and all the friends I have there. Damn these life decisions.

Better get to sleep. Church at 9:30 or 11:15 (depends on if Phong wakes his ass up). Good night world.

descendants

2004-12-24T21:55:00.000-05:00

My grandfather, in his 97 years of life, had two wives, five children, 34 grandchildren, and over 30 great grandchildren. That doesn't include in-laws either. If I were to make a family tree of his descendants, it would have to be at least 50 across to include everyone.

This holiday down here has been too good. I have seen cousins I haven't seen since I was a baby and met some I have only heard of and now can put a face too. Practically everyone came in. My aunt from Texas and her whole family, and any miscellaneous cousins from California. My family being there completed the circle. I will put up a picture of most of soon enough, when I get home. It's "boo koo crazy" as my ghetto cousins like to say.

The funeral was a little intense. In Vietnamese culture, we all wear headbands to show we are family in mourning. The sons and daughters wear off-white bands and are dressed in off white dresses (they are just throwovers, really). The sons and daughters in law wear white bands and are dressed in white dresses as well. The grandchildren wear white head bands as well and our family decided to wear white shirts and black pants. The great grandchildren wear maize/yellow head bands. And if there are great great grandchildren, they wear red, and great great great grandchildren wear purple. It was intense. The children mourn and cry and wail and it's very hard to not cry as well. It's very hard to watch my mother cry. I can't imagine how hard it is to lose both parents in one year. May my grandfather and grandmother both rest in peace.

Last note: it is ridiculously cold in New Orleans. Not as cold as up north but there was a little snow falling as we were burying my grandfather. Chilled us all to the bone. What a way to go out.

May all your Christmas be merry and safe. Keep warm, and stay jolly. :-)

grandfather

2004-12-20T15:37:00.000-05:00

My grandfather died. I no longer have grandparents. I am sad, but it was my grandfather's time. He wasn't leading a good life anymore. After my grandmother died this past summer, he had a stroke and things were just not good. So now my family and I are all flying down (separately, my dad from NC, me and my brother at 1pm, and my mom at 4pm from Erie) and spending Christmas with the extended family. I am actually ridiculously excited, although it will be a sad mood I'm sure. But I love my family and look forward to seeing them. Christmas will really feel like Christmas.

So tomorrow, New Orleans, here I come! I shall return to the cold the following Monday. Hello sun and warmth and family.

or not

2004-12-20T01:44:00.000-05:00

Home sweet home. Or not. The family knows how to stress me well. :-P

Boston with Becky and Tony and Hanni was nice. We went to see Kinsey since it wasn't coming to Erie. There was a decent amount of full frontal male nudity which was somewhat surprising, but not really. I officially love Peter Sarsgaard, penis and all. He is fabulous and I can't wait to see what other roles he will be doing. We ended Boston at some Chinese restaurant and went on our merry way back to Worcester. The last night was full of packing and plain rest. The ride back was uneventful, with the exception of the battery being dead when we tried to leave initially since one of us must have left something on. We made a call to AAA after all my friends had nothing to contribute and got out of Worcester around noon - about two hours later than initially planned in my head. Oops.

Went to see Ocean's 12 and Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. Both quite good. Topher Grace was the best cameo in Ocean's 12 with "I practically phoned in that movie with Dennis Quaid!" So awesome. I love him. ASoUE was a bit of a downer but that was expected. I enjoyed the scenarios and the credits because the animation used for the credits was friggin awesome. I still have goals to see Closer, Alfie, and Shaun of the Dead this week. Cross my fingers it happens!

I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow with Dr. Cross and I am sure he is going to not like hearing that I didn't get to do physical therapy in Worcester since I couldn't afford it and insurance said no. I went to one session, where they did an evaluation, and it cost $442. I think I will puke now. Anyways, I have a lot of work to do on my muscles still and I am hoping I get a lot of PT while I am home.

Becky's dad told a cool story at lunch. It was about this mathematician who was an atheist. He wanted to find the probability of life - the probability that earth was just the right distance from the sun, the sun was the right size of a star, the right "magic" happened to make life happen. As he went about finding this probability, it seemed more and more unlikely that this was just all left to chance. So by trying to find this probability, he started to believe in the existence of a God because the math side of it just didn't add up and seemed improbable. Funny huh? Believing in God because math told you to. Anyways, he wrote some book, and Becky's dad is gonna let me borrow it after he is done. I am intrigued.

I think I am going to take this break easy. I am not 100% sure of a return to ttown and hoping I get some part time hours at the B&G club. I think I just want to work one day at ttown, enough to get me a free pass here and there. Ttown isn't what it used to be. There are few people there I really really love and I feel wicked old anyways. We shall see.

I drove for the first time since my accident. It was great. I miss driving. The accident can kiss my ass.

It's freezing. I want to crawl into bed. And... go!

am i healed?

2004-12-18T00:56:00.000-05:00

My hospital band... it broke. Is that a sign? I hope so. I've had it on past four months now... wow.

at last

2004-12-17T11:23:00.000-05:00

B term is done. Wow.

The formal was retardedly fun. I sat at a table with William, Carla and Reger, Swong and her date, Emily and Erica, Casey, and Caitlin. We spent the night throwing tomatos at Carla's boobs, ice at her boobs, laughing, talking about what "second base" and a "home run" meant, singing badly to songs, making fools of ourselves, gettings lots of weird looks, laughing, and just having a ridiculously good time. William was an awesome date and I think this was one of the best formals I've ever been to. Honestly, it was the best way to go out. Here are a few photos:
These are the seniors at our little wine and cheese get together pre-formal.

Here's William, quite possibly the worst and best dancer ever.

The wonderful Danish Dames. We look so hot. :-)

The LCA semi-formal dinner happened that weekend too. It wasn't really as fun as previous years, but for once, Bertini and I got to sit together. It was nice. I've had funner semi-formal dinners, but meh, what can ya do? Here's Bertini giving me a big smooch with his NOSE all over my cheek. Eww.

Carla and I spent a lot of time talking that night and now I have a bottle of Vodka in my freezer that I should just sell to someone. :-P Any takers?

I passed both my classes. I think both of them are on the verges of Bs or As... it's hard to tell. I really like the accounting class. I think I am going to move towards a finance vibe. Actuarial sucks. :-P

Becky is here right now and I am soooo excited. We are going to go into Boston today and schmooze with Hanni and then go home tomorrow. I am excited for winter break and the much needed rest. This term was a lot of work, but worth it. I love everyone who has helped me through this term and been there for me and just made me feel like I was right back in the thick of things. :-)

wtf

2004-12-08T01:50:00.000-05:00

Holy shit! Something happened to my "Embrace your..." (it begins with a c, ends with a t, and has a "un" in the middle) blog! WTF! How did it get deleted? I smell conspiracy. :-( I just read Bloggers Terms of Service crap:

You agree to not use the Service to: (a) upload, post or otherwise transmit any content that is unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, tortious, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, libelous, invasive of another's privacy, hateful, or racially, ethnically or otherwise objectionable;
You acknowledge that Pyra does not pre-screen Content, but that Pyra and its designees shall have the right (but not the obligation) in their sole discretion to refuse or remove any Content that is available via the Service. Without limiting the foregoing, Pyra and its designees shall have the right to remove any Content that violates the TOS or is otherwise objectionable. You agree that you must evaluate, and bear all risks associated with, the use of any Content, including any reliance on the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of such Content.

UGH! That sucks! If they read the friggin' post, it wasn't even using that damn word in a derogatory way. I am PISSED! GRR! This is the first time I have been mad at Blogger. It has to be them... how else was that blog deleted? GRR GRR GRR! Read the blog before you delete it. Just because it has one of the "no-no" words doesn't mean you automatically delete. Censorship is bullshit.

busy times three

2004-12-08T01:31:00.000-05:00

I noticed that I am starting to become less and less diligent about blogging. You know what that means... life has picked the heck up!

Friday was bid night for the boys and thus became a girl's night out. A few of us got together :-) and then a bunch of seniors went to the B which turned into going to the Sole. The people at the Sole did not like us, but oh well! Hehe. Girl's night continued through to Saturday where I vetoed Heaven and Hell (I am too old for it). Katie and I went shopping and then went to dinner with Molly at Applebees. It could have been a Danish Dames night out, but Carla's phone has been out of commission and plus, she's been busy with life and migraines. I miss her. Oh well. Anyways, Katie then came over and we were being silly and watching Love Actually for the BAGILLIONTH time. :-)

Tonight was a crap ton of fun. I went to the SAE social which was so-so as usual because... yeah, because. And Joe Vaughn sucked and only hung out with us for a total of 15 minutes, if that! Grr! We suckered him for a Sunday brunch though, maybe sans girlfriend. We shall see. BUT, afterwards, we all went to CROW. That was soo much fun. I forget how much I like Crow and hanging out there. We played a little poker, a poorly run game of Asshole, Up the River Down the River, and Kings. And then... the best and most favorite AGD game: FLIP CUP! The side I was on was kicking ass. It eventually turned to Survivor flip cup which was pretty funny. I had my share of punch, but nothing too crazy. It was a great time, I need to be more social and go out. Cripple, smipple!

The icy weather has almost taken my life a few times. It took me about 5 minutes to get down 4 steps and 5 feet because it was so icy. If it weren't for Officer Brian who held my arm and held me up each time I slipped, I'd be a dead cripple. What's worse is that each time I slipped, I put all my weight on my weak leg which left me wicked sore. Oh well. I am starting to contemplate a screw at the bottom of my cane and better tractioned shoes. Any suggestions are welcome!

I am excited for the end of the term because I really miss my friends at home. Becky (and Tony) are awesome and are driving out to Worcester to get me on the Thursday. Then they are spending the night and we are going into Boston that Friday and probably driving home Saturday to Erie. I'll get to see my brother and mom and dad and Hanni and Ian and Ben (maybe) and all the wonderful people. I thought I wouldn't miss home as much, but I do. I guess absense makes the heart grow fonder.

I still need to shop for the formal. Really I need a new strapless bra and maybe shoes, not sure yet. Luckily I already have my dress picked out and I am thankful I bought it over the summer (pre-accident). Last AGD formal ever... weird to say that.

I got my ATC phone bill for Denmark. I originally thought it was going to be over $100 but low and behold it was only $53!! I did a very awesome happy dance in my mind (since I can't really do it in real life yet, hehe).

I am definitely ready for my SocComm term as VP to be over, but I have a feeling it might not be. It all depends on who gets elected. If a certain person gets elected, I will have to most likely serve another term. But I guess I only served two out of the four, so I should give the three. Still, I feel like I have mentally checked out a bit. After elections pan out, I will either check myself out completely or re-hype my VP-ness up depending on the outcome. It shall be interesting!

And two of my roommates have taken on more roles in the WPI community. Interesting. Congratulations to them. I love my roomies. We had a roommate group hug the other night in my room (me, William, Drew, Laura, and Bertini). We are such a sensitive group. I think the least sensitive person is William and that's kinda funny. :-) I am very glad our roommate situation turned out the way it did.

I should get to bed. I have a DAKA date with Patrick after the 11am conference. It might not be Topher but Patrick still rocks. :-P (I am going to miss my DAKA dates with Topher in C term if we aren't paired together!)