1. I really hate being here at times.
2. It's always my fault when friendships go bad. Or that's the impression I get.
3. I really wish Gonzaga had won. They were so close (double overtime!). Damn you Arizona.
4. I hate feeling this way.
5. I hate feeling alone. I can handle being alone but when I really feel like I'me truly alone, well I can't handle it.
6. I hate crying.
7. I hate having to blog about this because I feel like I can't talk to anyone right now.
8. Right about now, I semi-hate my life. And it takes a lot for me to feel this way.

::sigh:: Yeah what an up and down day it has been. Bad. Good. Bad. I can't deal with this too much longer. I feel like it's A term again and I want to shut my door and just never talk to people due to fear that I'm not good enough or that I'm not there enough or I'm not worthy of people's friendships. Since I've been back from Spring Break, I've cried 3 times and ya know what, I don't like to cry. And when I start crying I can't stop. And then my little Asian eyes get all poofy and then I just get tired and seclude myself and go to bed with bad vibes.

So this a lot of the bad vibes stems from the fact that I wasn't invited to a cook out. And whatever I can deal. But I guess it's when Molly said "Well you aren't around a lot so I don't know whether everyone is OK with that" and well that just kind of hurt. And I guess I hate feeling like it's all my fault because it's not like anyone ever makes the time to see me either. I don't live in the same building anymore, we don't take any classes together, I do more stuff than they do, and well yeah... it's not like they come here ever or come out to lunch or dinner and there isn't exactly a lot of effort coming my way. Whatever. I'm just tired of feeling like it's my fault and I'm tired of what it makes me feel like. I don't need to cry over things like this and whatever. Subject matter closed. I guess I was also hurt when Molly bailed and stayed there. I know it's her boyfriend and all but I guess it stung just a bit. It reminded me of all the other times in life where I was left behind for the significant others (it's happened so much). I dunno. I understood she wanted to stay there and everything even though she said she would do dinner with me but still it hurt a little to go to dinner by myself and feel like I had no one. This weekend has just turned into the most lonely one ever. I just feel like I have to struggle to find friends over the weekend. Whatever. This wallowing needs to stop. I just wish I was home where I don't feel like everything is my fault... where I've got my brother, my mom, and Becky to always be there even when they aren't technically there. I just wish people understood me better. ::sigh::

Thankfully Matt Hazel saved the day and was in the CC and we ate and played pool and he beat me bad every time but it made me smile a little. Thank goodness for the small things like that that make your day.

I take back hating my life. I am just momentarily highly unhappy.

So... to end on a good note, I remembered one more thing about my dream that made me feel good. He said my name. And it just sounded great. I don't think I have ever heard him say my name before and well in the dream he did... and it gave the warm and fuzzies... mmm... I love hearing my name. OK. I am going to call William and laugh and try to feel better.