Sunday, October 16, 2005

trying to sound like myself

I want a pen pal. There is something about pen and paper and writing that seems to really call to me right now. I want something to look forward to. In high school, I used to exchange letters with this boy who I saw every day. What was so great about our correspondence was that the conversations that we held in our letters were completely different from what we talked about every day. There is something about writing that really clears my mind. Writing allows me to actually organize my thoughts and think a little more cohesively, skills I don't exactly display when speaking.

I sometimes hate the way I talk. When I hear recordings of myself, I think I sound... very dumb. Where do I get this voice? I was raised with two very Vietnamese parents with thick accents and messy English. I think my cousins were right, TV has ruined me. Also my impulsiveness to speak what comes to mind first, as well as the flaw of being slightly judgemental, does not help my case. I also hate that I sound perpetually cheery. I am not as cheery as my voice makes me out to be. I am far more sarcastic and cynical than what my bubbly voice allows. I am a bitch! But even when I say "I am a bitch!" out loud, I still sound like a nice ditzy girl trying to be bad.

So if I had a new voice, what would it be? I think I would want a bit of a Vietnamse accent in there. Now, years later, I realize that my parents were very right when they said I would regret not practicing Vietnamese at home. They don't end up right about a lot of things, but this, I owe them an apology for. Back to my voice, maybe take it down an octave, as well as zap 75% of this cheery demeanor. And I want my voice to be more disguisable, less readable. Or maybe it's my face that gives it away. Oh, aren't I just in the mood to change everything about myself. I guess it's about time to have a slight insecurity flare up. I blame it on the hip and the pain and the rain.

Just blame it on the weatherman.


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