So I pulled off my first successful all nighter of the term. I think it was worth it. Or at least hope it was. Except I am exhausted. But still have work to do. It never stops I tell you.

For some reason right now, I feel like I am lacking drive. I look unhappy and I think I am somewhat. The workload is just really big right now and I feel like I'm going to crumble and NR a stupid class. And all I want to do is sleep and hang out with those who are important to me and it's frustrating because it's a stuggle to find that time. And if I do make that time, it's sacrificing my school work. It's just a shitty cycle right now and I want winter break to be here.

And with listening to the the stupid Love Actually soundtrack, all I want is to have someone. I'm going to sound angsty and say I really feel alone at times. I'm 20 and still without one meaningful/significant relationship. I remembered thinking in high school that in college, it would be easier, but it's not. I still want the same things, the same standards and it's hard finding that person who fits what I want and actually wants me back. I am not even asking for a perfect fit, but then again, maybe I am. I have been at WPI 2 and half years and I have only really liked 3 or 4 people and I have only told half those people how I felt and in one case, it was after the fact and the other, it was at a most inconvenient time where there was no possible chance of progress since it was summer. I think I sabotage myself. Do I not want it to work? And another thing... I always like people who are opposites of me. Molly said something to the point that maybe I like these opposite attributes because I dislike myself. Do I dislike myself? I'm pretty sure I don't. But why do I choose such polar opposites? Would I ever really work out with opposites? Ha. How would I know since I can't even get a relationship to get started. And time isn't on my side either. I just wish I had more balls and would stop being such a wuss and not let moments pass me by. I get so caught up with everything else that I sometimes forget myself. Who am I really? Where am I going? What do I want? Who do I want? And why? I sound like a Guagin painting. And with that, I need to stop and do work. Or else I will be getting up at the crack of dawn to finish my work. Which is likely anyways. I hate when your best is still not good enough.

Let's end on a good note. Bryan Ruoff had a dream about me. :-) It brought a goofy grin to my face, probably one of the few geniune ones of the day. It's always the little things in life that makes life worth living. That's what I need to remember.