Friday, June 10, 2005

over and over again

Sometimes, I think I am a masochist. Especially with music. I will listen to the same song over and over again knowing it will only make me feel troubled over my lack of grasping reality. It's not to say I am wicked unhappy or anything. Granted, I am not pleased either with the turn of events in my quest for a love life, but I really don't let my happiness in life be dictated by a lack of a significant other. I've always wondered if that was a flaw of mine. That I've always wanted someone, to be with someone, but if I don't get who I want, I don't die over it or feel like I am unworthy of someone. I may be melodramatic for a day, but I bounce back relatively easy. I mope with music and just... get over it. And it just makes me stronger in my independence from the idea of a boyfriend, but maybe I become more dependent on friends. Maybe I keep up walls, never really letting myself become someone "date-able" but just the great love-able best friend because that's all I know how to do and I'm good at it. For pete's sake, only two people in college have wanted to date me (that I know of) and I probably (ok definitely) self-sabotaged one because I was intimidated by how much he liked me and never took the other person seriously in his quests for dates. Why do I do that? Why do I self-sabotage? Sometimes, for about 10 minutes out of the entire year, I worry that I will grow up to be old and alone. A great woman, loved by many, but not loved by the one she wants, that is if she even knows what she wants. I will not own cats. I promise that. Maybe A cat, but not catS. :-) There, that is one minute out of this year that I worry about where my love life is going and if I will be an old spinster when I grow old.

Laura being home really completes the apartment. Too bad William is already leaving next Thursday, which makes our apartment incomplete again. Hopefully he won't stay on Long Island that long after his trip to FL, although if there is nothing here for him to come back to, then why not spend some free time on Long Island? Maybe I will visit LI, but then again, my last excursion cost me 550 with a possible accident. Anyways, Laura came back and I baked cupcakes in the sweltering heat. My first attempt at cupcakes ever! They were a little over baked, but still wicked good. It was funfetti cake mix with funfetti frosting, mmmm yum! Last night was nice, because we hung out in my air conditioned room and got take out Thai Cha Da and just... hung out, which is something we haven't all done together in a LONG time. I really like my apartment and my roommates and consider myself pretty lucky.

This weekend seems a bit stale. I feel a little incomplete without Becky. I feel as if I'm missing my better half without her for the summer. I don't know how well I will survive without seeing her a lot this year. But I need to get used to it, because our lives aren't exactly intersecting for an extended amount of time anytime soon. Anyways, this weekend right now only has a haircut in store on Saturday at 1pm. I am in desperate need of it. My hair is getting so frizzy with the humidity and the split ends and frazzle is just no longer acceptable. I want to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith but have yet to find someone to come with me. I need to post for a new movie buddy. Someone willing to see movies with a reckless abandon and shell out the cash. That is what summer is about for me, losing myself in films and movies. That, and reading. I just bought the first three books of the Chronicles of Narnia. Can't wait to get started on those. :-) Let's hope some weekend plans stir up, or I will go stir crazy. I was hoping for Carla, but after a baillion unreturned messages (ok, really just two emails and three voicemails in the span of a week), I don't think I will be seeing her this weekend. I wonder where my beauty has disappeared to!

Just keep looping it Vonda. It will eventually get out of your system and your play list. I'd do it if I could. I hope you know I would.

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