never settle

I cried. I thought I was immune to the tears. All day I watched everyone else cry. And I thought that I was so strong and that I was fine. But then the trigger was pulled. And the blood trickled in clear streams down my face. I am very angry with myself. I told myself a year ago that the moment I was able to live again, I would live for happiness and change the pattern I had weaved for myself. And I foolishly thought that I was actually changing and had somehow come out different from what I was before. But really when you strip away all the small physical changes - the accessories I had added to my life like location, vegetables, and new friendships - it is still what it was before. I am still making the same mistakes. And I am still thinking the same way and I am still hurting myself. It is never anyone else's fault, but my own. And I need to keep telling myself that. Blaming others for my own personal struggles and mental fist fights is just a crutch. I got rid of my real crutches a year ago and now, I need to get rid of the ones in my head.

I am burning this fabric out of my life. Killing this pattern forever. I refuse to wear it. I refuse to let it be me. I refuse to let what others think or don't think of me dictate my happiness. I refuse to let me get the best of me. I will never settle. Greatness will be mine.