Wednesday, April 19, 2006

three things

Dane Cook said we all do three things:
1. Lie
2. Cry
3. Take painful poops

I am not sure what I really wanted to blog about. I threw on some Aimee Mann and for some reason, I got hit with this urge to just write something, anything. Once in high school, we were instructed to write whatever came to our minds, with no censorship. Let's do that, folks.

I am jumping around with my thoughts because I am already trying to censor myself before I start writing. And now I already realize that I do that too often. I make myself into this image I think I should be. Am I really that person? Also, is my weirdness really me, or is this censored me? I am probably talking gibberish, but lately I have had more self doubt that ever before. I don't feel unhappy really, but very destitute about things. It's bad though, when I wish I could win the lottery everyday. I guess that is an indicator that my position in life right now isn't what it should be. Then again, almost every person wishes they could win the lottery. I don't even want all the money, I just want to be able to do nothing. OK, maybe not. But sometimes, I do wonder if all I want to be when I grow up is a mom and a wife. My super feminist side is thinking NO NO NO. That is not what you spent your life working towards. But then again, shouldn't it be about choice? I can CHOOSE to be a wife and mother and be proud. But I think my judgemental side would deem myself somewhat of a failure, or at least, taking the easy way out. Why must I judge like this? Whether it's braces on adults, ditzy people on American Idol, or the lack of knowledge on grammar and/or current events. I judge. I hate that about myself. I really do. It makes my top 3 list of flaws about myself. I think I trick myself into thinking that judging people keeps me from lowering my standards. Is that demented? Maybe. Yes.

PAUSE. I am restraining from reading what I just wrote. The urge is strong, but I shouldn't. I am trying to be truthful or whatever. Damn you Aimee Mann, your music always makes me feel like I should be psycho analyzing myself. As if I don't do that enough every day as is. I worry I won't grow up to be the person people want me to be. Actually, the important people in my life are proud of me and tell me that I am a great role model and are doing really well for myself. So why do I feel so unsatisfied? Do all twenty somethings feel this way? PAUSE. Yes.

PAUSE. ::sigh:: Sometimes life feels far too complicated. I love a good problem and trying to find the solution (maybe why I chose math in college), but life never hands your this "one solution only" problem. And to me, that just seems overwhelming. I am indecisive. William picked that as one of my major flaws. Timid too. I think I am agressive about everyone's life, but my own. Wow that had such a ridiculous touch of truth to it. I fight for my brother's, Lisa's, my mom's, everyone's, but I never fight for what I deserve or what I want in my life. How can I be telling these people how to live their lives when I don't even fight to live mine the way I want to? I am such a hypocrite. Damn. Another flaw.

PAUSE. I got nothing. OK, I lied. Actually I got a lot of thoughts running through my head, but I don't think I can be that honest to write it all down. Again, deceiving myself, or at least holding it in until I cry. My Hoover Dam mentality gets Katrina'ed every now and then. But humans are meant to handle this ridiculous range of emotions. So give me what you got. Lie, cry, and painful poops. I can handle them any day. Maybe not all in one day, though. Painful poops should really be a category all in its own. ;-)


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