eating my insides

I’ve been dreaming some weird stuff lately. This past dream had some weird cannibalistic vibes in it. I attribute this to a CSI episode I watched last week where kids tripping on PCP killed their other friend and THEN ate her insides. This is the first adverse CSI effect I’ve had. Luckily the dream wasn’t scary enough to keep me from watching the show again. I think it also has something to do with my nervousness about where life is headed... internal turmoil? Eating my insides? Maybe.

I downloaded some Scissor Sisters and their stuff is actually pretty good. They’ve been described as Elton John on crack. I feel a big Bee Gees vibe at times as well. The stuff keeps me energized. Next up: Keane. I have a very long list of music I’m interested in. I finally got some brains and actually wrote down the music I want. This time I won’t forget. I am very much craving the European music though. It’s just so good! I guess I am tired of some of the mainstream pop in America... everyone just sounds the same these days. I want DIFFERENT. Not “successful” or a “guaranteed hit.”

I got a fabulous card from my sisters. I think one of my favorite messages had to come from Carla. She wrote something to the extent of “Can’t wait until you come back. We’ll watch some porn!” Oh Denmark, how I miss your late night porn. :-P

It’s scary. The day I’ve been waiting for so long is almost here. And I’m slightly nervous. I better get the go ahead from Dr. Cross or I will most likely cry. And if and when I get the go ahead, I am very scared of physical therapy. It’s going to hurt so much. Whenever I’ve accidentally put weight on my right leg, my foot feels like pins and needles for the initial touch. That is not normal for most people, but I think it is normal for cripples like me I’m sure. I haven’t used that leg to walk in 10 weeks. But still... it hurts. It’s not fair really. Why do I have to go more? I mean it was bad enough to get in the car accident and break my pelvis and all that jazz. But now I have more pain through physical therapy even though I’m “healed.” It just sucks. It’s very frustrating to feel so good and yet be so limited. Finally, I feel like myself again mentally, but yet the physical me will take much longer to heal. It’s just not fair. ::sigh:: But what’s fair? I’m alive, right? Yeah, that’s something I gotta remember.

This week has been a slightly lonely week. I went out with Becky on Tuesday. And I won’t see her again until this Tuesday when she takes me to Pittsburgh. She is such a sweetheart. She is skipping class to take me as well. And then afterwards, we have a tentative dinner date at Josh’s (which should be interesting to say the least). Anyways, it’s almost kinda scary that although I am wicked lonely, I am starting to get used to this life. That is a very very BAD thing. I will not allow myself to be “used” to this life as an invalid. I need to do my best to be discontent until I am 100%. That way I will really drive myself; motivate! Because if I let myself get used to this, I know I won’t work nearly as hard to get back to where I was before July 11th.

I refuse to let this accident change me in a negative way. I will be Vonda Elizabeth Bui again. Not Vonda in the wheelchair. But Vonda the lazy walker! :-)