Sunday, August 06, 2006

long winded

My hard drive died and I lost everything from the last year and a half... it's as if that part of my life didn't happen. Poof... just disapeeared. When it first happened, I was pretty calm, which was surprising. But then... as time passed and I thought about it more, I'd realize another picture or file or piece of a moment recorded on my computer was gone forever. I'm still reeling from it a bit. I'm not even sure if I am the same computer geek anymore. With a blank hard drive, I don't even feel like it's my computer I am using anymore. As awful and geeky as it sounds, I feel like I lost a part of myself when that thing died. Really I lost pieces of my life - friends, family, places, and it's those memories and moments that make up a great deal of me. I'm still a little sad thinking about it... but the show must go on. I will rebuild and try to piece together what I have. It won't be the same...

I think I'm a little lost. I think I've always been a little lost. Instead of knowing who I want to be, where I want to be, what I want to be... I just know who I DON'T want to be, where I DON'T want to be, what I DON'T want to be... Just because I know what path not to take doesn't mean I have any idea what path I should be taking. I let fear of becoming someone I don't want to be steer me towards a life of comfort over a life of love and passion and being who I want to be and doing what I want to do. I think the don't's have taken over my life. I'm not even sure what I would do if I were given the opportunity to do anything. And realizing that scares me... a lot.

As more and more friends in my life move on with the next chapter in their lives... I wish them the best. I'm going to miss them like hell. Hopefully they will leave a paragraph or two for me to fill in their next installment. And hopefully... I'll figure out what my story is going to be about. It might take a few chapters to get there, but you know me, I'm long winded.


Anonymous Jenny said...

hey lady! hope you are doing well..I wouldnt know what to do if i lost something like that...i go crazy enough when i lose my cell. Im not even done w/ school and I'm still trying to "define" myself as know the irony about finding yourself and all that good stuff is that when you finalllly either end up dead and w/ cancer....crazy huh..well, you take care my dear....come visit whenever you get the chance..Vanessa's family is located in houston, tx and probably end up living if you ever want to hit the south...go to TX...there are plenty of things to do there than N.o. not that we had lots of things to do w/ to begin with when ya'll did come..anyhow....see you are alive and well..Hearts-Jenny

1:28 PM  

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