Saturday, January 17, 2004

Friendship takes time and patience. I cannot emphasize that enough. Sometimes I want to scream and just say, screw this. But that's being irrational. You just need to sit down and talk. Sometimes I think I am scared to have that talk because of the possible things that could be said. Or the idea that the friendship is failing because it's all my fault. That fear comes from those awful high school experiences where all my "friends" ganged up on me and made the failure of our circle of 5 my fault. As if I could bring on the apocolypse - 5 people not liking each. Anyways, that awful time has made me so careful when it comes to letting my guard down. Now my secret weapon is that the moment I know you're starting to think about losing interest in me, I will lose interest in you first. I will beat you to the punch so as to save myself the pain. It's sad but I am a girl and have been fucked over so much. And instead of really forgiving and getting over it, I carry that wound, keep infecting it over and over and never trying a different treatment. Well never needs to stop. I've found friends I really do appreciate here and I need to stop doing that. So instead of throwing salt in the wound each time, I'm gonna put myself out on the line and talk and take the pain that could ensue. It will hurt, but it will get better. Nothing and no one is perfect. Friendships have flaws and what makes it a friendship is that people want to work on fixing those flaws. So yeah... ::nods:: trying to not be that scared girl and take the plunge.

Closure - A bringing to an end; a conclusion. I need that. I need to just let that person know that this is it. I am done. No more beating around the bush. I'm gonna tell him how I felt about him and how I love him as a friend, but I'm crushing my crush. I'm pretty sure the feelings weren't reciprocated. And yup... I need to just move on and never relapse again.

Which brings me to the love life. Look at that, I start thinking about "love" and WHAM, I'm not 20 anymore... I'm 13 and pining away for something that isn't gonna happen. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm so picky and choosy as to who I like... I think I should quit worrying about it, but really how does one do that honestly? Even now, I say I won't think about it, but I lie. Because there are people I wonder about, whether they like me, or if I like them... and just so much clutter! I can't find clarity in there. Then again, love is never clear as it should be is it? Then again, HOW WOULD I KNOW? I don't think I know what love is. How I wish I could know what is like to be in love. Who is the right person for me? Am I going to find them soon? Or will I be 50 and find my soulmate? Love does not know time. Punctuality is not its forte. ::nods:: Yup. I don't know where I am going with this. Except that I am bored of the 20 years of a lack of love. I want my first kiss (in my definition it's a first kiss... the first one that would mean something)... I want to know what it feels like to love someone so much it hurts... I want my masochistic music to mean something and not have it be pining away music. Fuck. I sound like an angsty teenager again. Oh well. I can usually control this feeling but sometimes it flares and I get frustrated. And then I blog. :-)

Must get ready to show the apartment to Laura's parents and Molly and maybe Ross. This 4th roommate thing is becoming such a headache. We just need one. Anyone out there interested? :-P

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