ow

I think I just did something to the hip region/thigh muscle. It aches, especially when I lay flat on my back in bed. I have to sleep on my side to make the ache go away. I think I did something when I overdid myself when I tried to reach for the string thing to bring down the blinds and I was lying in bed and did it awkwardly. Fuck. I hope it's just a muscle thing and not a bone thing. Or this ache could be because I'm not taking the medicine that is supposed to stop the freaky bone growth because it's a blood thinner and I am already on coumadin and yeah... I see my physician on Thursday at 2pm and am glad. His office called back to say they would accept me and I almost cried in happiness. That is my life.

It's amazing that I am away from WPI and yet feel like I am still in the thick of things. It's nice and sucks because I'd rather be there and clueless than in the know and at home in Erie. But whatever, it's nice to be kept up to date so when I do get back, I won't be always be asking "Huh? What happened?!" or "Damn, I missed so much!"

So John John tried out for the Real World and called me to let me know. We had a good laugh over it. He'd have a good shot, he's black and he's gay... but not your typical attractive and he is a major drama queen drunk. Once again, he's got a shot. Plus his damn life story got him on the Rosie O'Donnell show... I should not underestimate him. Anyways, I watched an episode of it tonight an it was an OK episode for once. It had to deal with race. The black gay guy, Karamo, was surrounded by police inside some hip club because someone anonymously called in to say that they thought he had a gun. And of course Karamo freaks out and raises his voice because obviously, he doesn't. And his two white male roommates, who haven't really been exposed to black people or people in general who weren't white, don't understand why he is so upset and feels the need to yell. They get into a fight about it, blah blah. And to be honest, I have to side with Karamo. When something bad happens to me, I need support and someone to be on my side, not tell me to calm down or ask my why I'm so upset. Plus, I really don't think they understand the racism thing. Karamo was raised by an angry racist father. And really, he, too, became angry and to be honest, sometimes that anger is warranted especially when he said that the situation that just happened has happened over a dozen times before. Those little suburban white boys will never understand where Karamo is coming from. And yes, Karamo should learn to deal with this anger and realize to lash out isn't the best, but I guess other people also need to realize that it's hard to always be the bigger person when you're constantly being treated unfairly, and in this case, discriminated against because of your color. This almost makes me want to read Beverly Tatum's Why Do All The Black Kids Sit Together In The Cafeteria? It's good stuff and has an interesting perspective on racism. It definitely opened my eyes and changed my views.

Hanni asked for my support today as she went and IMed some Russian kid she knew years ago, when we were in high school. They hung out a few times because they had a mutual friend through her ex-boyfriend/good friend now Brian. It's funny because she knew I could relate due to the Daniel thing from years past. It made me laugh and I told Daniel about it and well, we laughed together. We talk a bit more frequently these days on AIM and it's kinda nice. He called once or twice pre-accident to say hi and what's up... and one of those times got me out of having to talk to Jarrod Gathers at TGIFridays. So that was GREAT. And he called me post-accident a few times once he knew about it. I guess it's nice to know that we'll probably be friends for a long time even though we aren't real life friends in a sense. I have some weird relationships out there. I can say he is one of those people I can be really truthful too... I guess it's because our lives don't intersect at all except for those few days in Alaska three some years ago and I can be myself because he's doing his life in TX and I'm doing mine here. The buffer makes it easier to open up, I guess.

And sadly... I had my first dream where my real life invaded my dream world. I had a dream where I was in my wheelchair and it sucked. And I even had a dream where I was limping around due to the injury. ::insert bad four letter words here:: Give me back my dreams. That was the one place I didn't have to deal with this. Now I just feel like I've been violated, by my own subconscience. Damn.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.