it's tough coming home

It's not that I don't love my family and love Erie. But I think I have outgrown it. Home becomes less familiar and less warming each time I come here. I feel like the long lost relative visiting for a few days. And that is fine. I know deep down, I belong in New England. Or basically I don't belong in Erie anymore. A few more years and I am not even sure I would be visiting. Becky might have a job in CA, mom might move to New Orleans, and Patton might actually do something with his life. And my other friends might have moved on as well, to college, to jobs, to something different, something that is anything but Erie. I am ready for the next chapter of my life.

I didn't go on the American Express interview. I think I would only go there if I were REALLY desperate. Which I'm not... yet. I applied to three other positions the other day, two in Boston and one in Worcester, and am still slightly hoping Allmerica works out, at least for a year. I am ordering an Actec manual and am really going to start studying for this exam. I am going to throw myself at life as an actuary and give it what I got. I owe it that much at least.

I am turning 22 soon, about a week. Strange. 22 years. I wish... that we could record every moment of our lives. 22 years and I feel like I can only rememeber a fourth of it. I know that is what our human brains are truly capable of, but someday, I hope we can do more and remember more. By remembering more, I think we would learn more and not make so many stupid mistakes. History. Very powerful.

Becky's mom still gives me birthday cards with money. It's very touching. She signs it with "Love always, Katie, Bruce, Melissa, and Jessica." And I know the love always is very true. They are my family. I visit them as much as I visit my real family. And I love them a lot.

The other day, Hanni and I were playing Scrabble at Tom's place. He took out a slip of paper and it was dated August 2000 and, in my handwriting, said "Tom Muller laughs w/o a noise." Wow. That really took me back to the days of carefree summers and board games and just simple hangouts at the Muller house on Lincoln Ave. Times have really changed.

We visited Mohegan Sun too and it was pretty fun. I only lost $1.50 for the entire day of slots. It was awesome. Tom and Hanni were jealous of my lucky streak. They both lost about 10 or a little more. I can't wait to check out Foxwoods.

I think I might start journaling again. Blogging is great, but there is only so much you can say before you really start to bare your soul and feel naked. And i feel like my life is going to soon take a new turn and I want to remember as much of it as I can. Make better choices and make a better life. If that is even possible. Sometimes I wonder...