Wednesday, March 09, 2005

my so called life

I have to stop watching My So-Called Life before I go to bed. The episodes… they drain me emotionally and it makes me lay there for hours just wondering whether I live life up to its full potential. And I realize I’m not and that kills me. How do I change this? I need to. I have to. I’ve been near death… and now that statement sounds so ridiculous. Because really, aren’t we near death every day? Who is to say this very next second isn’t our last? And because of that very thought, why do I not lead life like it isn’t? I spent so many seconds of my life this year thinking, “When I get better and I can live again, I am going to do so much and appreciate so much and just live.” And now, I am better, but am I really living? Sometimes, I just get this hollow ache. When I’m home, or alone or just thinking, I begin to doubt everything - doubt myself, doubt why I do what I do, doubt life. Am I the person I want to be? And even if I’m not, could I really change? Is this random spurts of depression? I don’t think it is. It’s just… reality. Or at least my reality. And I so desperately want to change my reality sometimes. But I guess that change seems like such a fantasy. And that... is depressing.

Change is so hard. You want control. But change is out of control. Accepting that, for me, is the hardest part about life. Accepting change, adapting to change, changing again and again and again. Life without change isn't much of a life at all. But sometimes, I wish I handled it better. A huge flaw is the way I handle certain changes. I try to ignore it, and pretend it isn't happening. Or I see it coming and make something else happen so as to counteract it. And ironically, by trying to avoid that change, it happens anyways because of everything I did to try to avoid it. I don't even think I realize I do it sometimes until I'm somewhere I don't want to be, or I'm something I hate. That is when I realize... dammit change is a bitch. Or... I am the bitch. Or even better... I am change's bitch. If only I realized that earlier in the game, I'd probably avoid a lot of pain and problems. But who ever learns lessons the easy way? Not me. Part of my spunkiness I guess... to most of you, that is me being stubborn.

::sigh:: Sometimes I think the thoughts you have before you go to bed have the potential to be life altering. They are the thoughts that speak the truth about what you desire and what you love and hate about everything and anything. I guess it's a segway to your dreams and nightmares. And when you wake up, it fades away... erased by the obligations, the daylight, the responsible side of yourself. Every once in a while, I am able to remember those last few thoughts... those fleeting seconds of my dream which feel like an eternity when I'm living them the first time around... and... those few seconds make life a little less harsh... and turn a few seconds, hours, days, years of my life into something worth living for.

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