masochist

Still an emotional wreck.

It's been 8 years since you left. You left a lifetime too early. I still think of you warmly and with less sadness. I sincerely hope there is something other than heaven to go to, because I know you would want another shot at life. And you deserve it. I'll always remember you at my window that last time. I'll always remember you. RMK - 11.5.97

John took me to a Bruins game! We were four rows back from the ice. It was awesome. The Bruins won and were pretty good. I sat next to this strange, but adorable 8 year old. When we were getting into our seats, John spilled the kid's drink all over the floor. I offered to pay for it but his dad said it was OK. I tried to talk it up with the kid and you know, be nice and cordial, but he was resisting me. He said something, must have been muttering to himself, and I asked him "What?" and he just said to me very forcefully and almost annoyingly "NOTHING!!" Haha, I had to laugh. It was so right on for an 8 year old to say. But like all cool kids, he warmed up to me and starting making jokes to me about what we should do to the other team. His favorite was, "We should throw donuts at them!" Pretty good game! I even caught a free Smirnoff T-shirt, but gave it to these other 8-10 year olds sitting behind us. They looked sooo happy and their mom kept thanking us profusely, which is funny since they were Smirnoff shirts and well they were 10. :-P

Scrabble has caught on in our apartment. Lee, Lisa, and I went to Worcester and invited Patrick over for Scrabble. I dominated and decimated. It was very fun. :-P But we played again last night and damn the letter Q! Lisa got all her tiles out first and got 18 points from us, which was enough to put her over me Lee couldn't do anything with the Q and so those 10 points went to Lisa... which lead us to find out that there is a U tile missing which is very very bad). I will avenge that loss! :-) We also played Scattergories Friday night, but the gap between Lisa and Lee's and Patrick and I's scoring capabilities was almost a 10 point differential. But in the end, I won overall, with the most points. It was a good winning night for me.

Saturday was beyond gorgeous. Honestly, it was a day that made you really feel alive. I know that sounded cheesy, but really, it was one of the most gorgeous days of this entire year. Whenever the weather surprises you like that, you just feel absolutely buzzing with energy. Too bad it's going away oh so soon...

Lee coming with us was great. She realized how much fun we had and how important it is on the weekends to actually DO something besides work and study. I am very adamant about my leisure time. I hate thinking that a whole weekend could pass where I didn't do anything. Even if it's just dinner, or a movie, or playing board games, or seeing a play, or ANYTHING. Just as long as you do something other than what you do during the weekday. And if what you do during the weekday is work, study, and cook, then you are not allowed to do ANY of that on the weekend. :-) It's the only way to get through life sanely.

I had a dream last night where this person, who I used to think I was "in love" with, kept disappointing me and never doing what he promised... and kept me in tears for most of the dream. And yet in the end, I still took him back. I kept forgiving him. Why? What does this mean? It's not like he ever treated me badly in real life (except for the whole taking me for granted thing)... we still speak often these days and I think our friendship is at a perfect level for us. Why am I dreaming this? Am I thinking of someone else and just plucked this person in his role? I woke up very confused and partially upset because I was in tears mentally. And I was running a lot, running towards him, with my limp of a leg. I even remember realizing that this was a dream and that I was almost going to wake up. But I pushed myself to keep sleeping because I wanted to see if he would somehow redeem himself. I am a masochist. I just keep coming back for more, thinking things will change. I swear, sometimes I worry myself, thinking that I could end up being that woman in some abusive relationship. Or that I could be my mom. :-( I need to be stronger...

My parents approached me with a very very overwhelming financial burden. And I don't know what to do. And I hate that they know I try to be a dutiful daughter and do what they ask, because they are my parents. They always say that they aren't telling me to do anything, but they know that I easily guilt myself into filial piety. It isn't fair. When do I get to be completely free from their range? I always thought that I wouldn't have to worry about taking care of my parents until old age. But guess what? There's a loophole in my case: Mine are already old. And I am not quite old enough. Sometimes I think I will never be old enough.

Ick. This blog entry seems so down. But it shouldn't be! I had a great weekend! And I had spring rolls for dinner tonight which is my FAVORITE! But sometimes a small action or a lack of action can steamroll you into an abyss of tears and angry resolve. Oh, that and an emotionally draining Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy.

Life wouldn't be life if we didn't get a helping of tears every now and then. Better to healthily spread it out rather than binge. Just like you wouldn't want an eating disorder, you don't want a crying disorder either. :-P

I am at my most masochistic when thinking of you.