Sunday, August 06, 2006

long winded

My hard drive died and I lost everything from the last year and a half... it's as if that part of my life didn't happen. Poof... just disapeeared. When it first happened, I was pretty calm, which was surprising. But then... as time passed and I thought about it more, I'd realize another picture or file or piece of a moment recorded on my computer was gone forever. I'm still reeling from it a bit. I'm not even sure if I am the same computer geek anymore. With a blank hard drive, I don't even feel like it's my computer I am using anymore. As awful and geeky as it sounds, I feel like I lost a part of myself when that thing died. Really I lost pieces of my life - friends, family, places, and it's those memories and moments that make up a great deal of me. I'm still a little sad thinking about it... but the show must go on. I will rebuild and try to piece together what I have. It won't be the same...

I think I'm a little lost. I think I've always been a little lost. Instead of knowing who I want to be, where I want to be, what I want to be... I just know who I DON'T want to be, where I DON'T want to be, what I DON'T want to be... Just because I know what path not to take doesn't mean I have any idea what path I should be taking. I let fear of becoming someone I don't want to be steer me towards a life of comfort over a life of love and passion and being who I want to be and doing what I want to do. I think the don't's have taken over my life. I'm not even sure what I would do if I were given the opportunity to do anything. And realizing that scares me... a lot.

As more and more friends in my life move on with the next chapter in their lives... I wish them the best. I'm going to miss them like hell. Hopefully they will leave a paragraph or two for me to fill in their next installment. And hopefully... I'll figure out what my story is going to be about. It might take a few chapters to get there, but you know me, I'm long winded.