Sunday, November 20, 2005

i don't want a lot for christmas

It needs to be Christmas time already! I can't wait to go home. I will get to see my newly engaged best friend and her wonderful husband-to-be. My stupid but lovable brother with my unconditionally loving and sacrificing mother. I'll see my judgmental biatch with a possibility of seeing my first ever queer peer, fresh from his trip to Africa as well as my favorite redhead. And, AND, an unexpected hang out session with a long lost witty and mildy otaku friend. :-) Now, there are also talks of possibly visiting my longest friend for some New Year's celebration. Ladies and gentlemen, this, THIS RIGHT HERE, is why I love this season. Love actually IS all around.

Seth, the new guy at work, gave me tickets to see Yamato. FRIGGIN AWESOME. They were so much fun. Yamato is a Japanese drum corp. They had us on edge from the moment the first beat hit the auditorium. They were humorous, engaging, mesmerizing, and just great entertainment. I would definitely pay to see them again.

But the best part of the week and weekend, without a doubt, was HARRY POTTER. It was imperfect but I think essentially captured the humanity of the novels. Mike Newell did a great job injecting humor and the awkwardness of adolescence and it had the theatre laughing all over the place. I am DEFINITELY seeing it again. If anyone out there wants to see it with me, you know where to holla. Best line of the entire movie: "Oh my god, I've killed Harry Potter!"

Thanksgiving is going to be awesome. Lisa and John are doing the heavy cooking and I will contribute where I can. :-) We will have the Worcester apartment to ourselves and it will be very nice. This Thanksgiving will more than make up for any bad memories I may have of this holiday. Food, friends, love, and rest and relaxation! It needs to be Wednesday evening... NOW!

Great dream this weekend. The person I was totally macking on morphed into someone random that I hardly know. But hey, you go with the flow. Still, it would have been nice if it had stayed the FIRST guy because he is wicked cute and definitely someone of interest. No worries, my dreams are always ridiculously PG-13. Which really... kind of sucks. :-P

I shouldn't be allowed to be this excited. I'm like a friggin' little kid getting her first Barbie. It's time to whip out the Christmas music, people... 103.3 all the time in my car! All I want for Christmas is you!

Monday, November 14, 2005

freak flag

So Harry Potter was sold out on opening night. Those Bostonians really get their tickets early. Damn them. So I will have to wait a day to see it. I already have my tickets for 7pm on Saturday at Loews Boston Common. Plus, the cute concession guy sold me my tickets. Not a bad day at the movies. :-P

Oh boy. The week went by in a blur, like most days in life. Foxwoods, laundry, shopping, William getting a job where he gets paid more than me (Mazel tov!), Moe's, discovering an amazing park in Worcester, and just relaxation and dominance in Scrabble. But, I'm feeling a little affected lately, and at this point I'm not sure what the fix is gonna be. I'm trying to keep busy and trying to keep up some cheer. Maybe I should switch my ring tone to my miracle worker, All I Want For Christmas Is You. But it's too early still. I'd get a lot of evil stares from people.

I don't want to say it's the weather that is affecting me because I've lived with these conditions all my life. But Lisa isn't doing as well. She seems down a lot of the time. She didn't even want to celebrate her birthday! But we are. And I have her very excited about Harry Potter. I am going to need to be more creative to bust seasonal affected disorder this season. I'm fighting it for three of us.

New guy at work. But I am still the youngest. Seth is 28 or 29. Rob is 28, Olivia almost 30. Yes people, I am my own island at work. The island of YOUTH! :-P

Why can't I live down south, like NC or Florida? Hurricanes. Why can't I live on the west coast, like Cali? Earthquakes. Why can't I live in the midwest? Tornadoes (which has been beastly this season). Why CAN I live in New England? Blizzards. They are by far easiest to survive.

Sexiest flirty comment made by a male: "Wow... your hair looks like it'd be a lot of fun to play with." Really... that one is the best I've heard in a while. Just enough to plant an image and a strong vibe without coming on too strong or too sleazy.

Apparently, at 5am, I am at my most lovable. According to Daniel at least. I find it so funny that 4.5 years ago, I was the one professing love. But I was sober. He wasn't. :-P Still, I make fun of him for being me in our friendship and now I've become him. It's nice to turn the tables. TAKE THAT! :-)

I haven't gotten a real good hug in so long. A hug that just instantly comforts you regardless of how you're feeling. I've only known two or three people who know how to do that. Man, I wish they lived closer to me.

Mad props to CNN. Why? For putting Anderson Cooper on at 11pm. I'm getting my nightly taste of news with a side of hunk.

I need to meet new people. And when I do, I am going to fly my freak flag.

Monday, November 07, 2005

number 18

Waking up early sucks. But the plus side is that you get to work really early and so you're allowed to leave a little early. Amazingly, I am not that tired even though I couldn't sleep last night (fell asleep around 2am) and woke up at 6:55am to catch the T with Lee at 7:20am. With bad weather on it's way, I guess it's better than I get accustomed to getting up early so as to not get caught in transportation woes in the winter. Especially since our company is moving buildings and our new home is not super duper close to any T-stop. :-( Which has me sad, because walking in the snow and on uneven surfaces wreaks havoc on my hip. But I will deal. Plus it's a year later and I am a lot better, so I will tough it out. Winter only lasts... FOREVER. :-P

I also want to work on actually making a better daily appearance. I shower each night, because I am too lazy to get up in the morning to shower, and just sleep and let me hair air dry. In the morning, it looks disasterous, and I just pull it back and say whatever. Let me say, I look like crap. OK, maybe not complete crap, but a little below par I have to say. I am going to set a goal for myself to do my hair at least once a week and put on a pair of dressy earrings and really feel good about myself. I'm already ahead of myself because I've done my hair two days in a row. Let's see if I can stay consistent.

I am watching Peyton Manning and he is just so good. He has finally broken that awful streak of being New England's bitch. Damn it's hot to see him on his mark. And really, all of you haters who think I am bandwagoning it or just in it for the wins or the hotness that is Peyton, can suck it. :-P As I told Bisol, I've been a fan of the Colts since the days of Jim Harbraugh. And if you don't know who that is, then you have no right to hate me. :-P But I will admit Indy wasn't my number 1 team until two or three seasons ago. I used to be a Steelers's girl first, but Peyton and his offensively charged Colts really changed me. But I still lustifully root for Big Ben and The Bus. Peyton has my heart though, and as far as I can tell, he doesn't plan on fumbling it anytime soon. :-)

Tomorrow, I put in my co-worker Rob's magnus opum of mix CDs into my MP3 player. I look forward to hearing what he's got. We've got some differing tastes, but we've also got a taste for that something different. I hope to find some new artists. Also, with such a personal mix, it really gives me an idea of the type of person he is. Music never fails to give insight into someone's soul.

Day by day, I take my little steps. I've set some goals. And I feel the funk lifting by a little bit every day. It wasn't a heavy funk, just some vibes in the passing. If you don't continually make home improvements during your life, you might structurally collapse wihout notice.

I strive to always live passionately. Even if it's passionately unhappy. :-P

truly happy


My best friend in the whole wide world just got engaged to the man who makes her truly happy. I am so happy for them and so proud of her for taking control of her destiny and finding the epicenter of happiness AKA Tony. :-) CONGRATULATIONS!!

And that only drives home the fact that yes... we are indeed growing up. Or maybe, we are already grown up. Are we adults?

Quite possibly. :-)

Sunday, November 06, 2005


Still an emotional wreck.

It's been 8 years since you left. You left a lifetime too early. I still think of you warmly and with less sadness. I sincerely hope there is something other than heaven to go to, because I know you would want another shot at life. And you deserve it. I'll always remember you at my window that last time. I'll always remember you. RMK - 11.5.97

John took me to a Bruins game! We were four rows back from the ice. It was awesome. The Bruins won and were pretty good. I sat next to this strange, but adorable 8 year old. When we were getting into our seats, John spilled the kid's drink all over the floor. I offered to pay for it but his dad said it was OK. I tried to talk it up with the kid and you know, be nice and cordial, but he was resisting me. He said something, must have been muttering to himself, and I asked him "What?" and he just said to me very forcefully and almost annoyingly "NOTHING!!" Haha, I had to laugh. It was so right on for an 8 year old to say. But like all cool kids, he warmed up to me and starting making jokes to me about what we should do to the other team. His favorite was, "We should throw donuts at them!" Pretty good game! I even caught a free Smirnoff T-shirt, but gave it to these other 8-10 year olds sitting behind us. They looked sooo happy and their mom kept thanking us profusely, which is funny since they were Smirnoff shirts and well they were 10. :-P

Scrabble has caught on in our apartment. Lee, Lisa, and I went to Worcester and invited Patrick over for Scrabble. I dominated and decimated. It was very fun. :-P But we played again last night and damn the letter Q! Lisa got all her tiles out first and got 18 points from us, which was enough to put her over me Lee couldn't do anything with the Q and so those 10 points went to Lisa... which lead us to find out that there is a U tile missing which is very very bad). I will avenge that loss! :-) We also played Scattergories Friday night, but the gap between Lisa and Lee's and Patrick and I's scoring capabilities was almost a 10 point differential. But in the end, I won overall, with the most points. It was a good winning night for me.

Saturday was beyond gorgeous. Honestly, it was a day that made you really feel alive. I know that sounded cheesy, but really, it was one of the most gorgeous days of this entire year. Whenever the weather surprises you like that, you just feel absolutely buzzing with energy. Too bad it's going away oh so soon...

Lee coming with us was great. She realized how much fun we had and how important it is on the weekends to actually DO something besides work and study. I am very adamant about my leisure time. I hate thinking that a whole weekend could pass where I didn't do anything. Even if it's just dinner, or a movie, or playing board games, or seeing a play, or ANYTHING. Just as long as you do something other than what you do during the weekday. And if what you do during the weekday is work, study, and cook, then you are not allowed to do ANY of that on the weekend. :-) It's the only way to get through life sanely.

I had a dream last night where this person, who I used to think I was "in love" with, kept disappointing me and never doing what he promised... and kept me in tears for most of the dream. And yet in the end, I still took him back. I kept forgiving him. Why? What does this mean? It's not like he ever treated me badly in real life (except for the whole taking me for granted thing)... we still speak often these days and I think our friendship is at a perfect level for us. Why am I dreaming this? Am I thinking of someone else and just plucked this person in his role? I woke up very confused and partially upset because I was in tears mentally. And I was running a lot, running towards him, with my limp of a leg. I even remember realizing that this was a dream and that I was almost going to wake up. But I pushed myself to keep sleeping because I wanted to see if he would somehow redeem himself. I am a masochist. I just keep coming back for more, thinking things will change. I swear, sometimes I worry myself, thinking that I could end up being that woman in some abusive relationship. Or that I could be my mom. :-( I need to be stronger...

My parents approached me with a very very overwhelming financial burden. And I don't know what to do. And I hate that they know I try to be a dutiful daughter and do what they ask, because they are my parents. They always say that they aren't telling me to do anything, but they know that I easily guilt myself into filial piety. It isn't fair. When do I get to be completely free from their range? I always thought that I wouldn't have to worry about taking care of my parents until old age. But guess what? There's a loophole in my case: Mine are already old. And I am not quite old enough. Sometimes I think I will never be old enough.

Ick. This blog entry seems so down. But it shouldn't be! I had a great weekend! And I had spring rolls for dinner tonight which is my FAVORITE! But sometimes a small action or a lack of action can steamroll you into an abyss of tears and angry resolve. Oh, that and an emotionally draining Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy.

Life wouldn't be life if we didn't get a helping of tears every now and then. Better to healthily spread it out rather than binge. Just like you wouldn't want an eating disorder, you don't want a crying disorder either. :-P

I am at my most masochistic when thinking of you.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

plate of life, hold the tears!

Um, something is off. I am emotional. But I am not unhappy. Just emotional. Today, I was reading an article about some boy who had an inoperable brain tumor. He got his last wish, which was to call the first play of the Notre Dame game, although he didn't survive to see it. I was reading it at work, and I teared up! I was in tears! THAT IS NOT NORMAL. I feel almost as if I am back in my wheel chair and the emotions are flying high. Except I'm free to do whatever and I feel 97.5% like myself (because really are you ever sure that you are 100% yourself?). So why am I almost on the verge of crying? I am currently listening to Alicia Keys Unplugged and there are two songs that make me very emotional when I hear them - If I Ain't Got You and her cover of Wild Horses with Adam Levine of Maroon 5. I am honestly choked up, really moved, even though I have heard these songs a million times. And I am on the T when I listen to my music so it's very hard to keep it together and not look like a fool. Why am I all out of funk? I'm a sine curve of emotions lately. :-P Where is it coming from?

It's Indian summer here in Boston and it's beautiful. It's worth it to live in Boston, just for these few days where it's positively breathtaking outside. If only it lasted a little longer. Snow is coming. It already previewed the other day. Worst part was that I didn't even have a snow brush in my car, so I have to use my cane to get the snow off my back windshield. I knew that cane would come in handy. :-P No worries, a trip to Target produced a snow brush, as well as a mini shovel. I am fully equipped to make winter my bitch.

I just realized that my pumpkin looks a lot like Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Blame Becky for the implant into my brain. :-)

Ick. Alito? Thanks, GW for putting another white male on the board. The man may be qualified, but the fact that everyone knows how he bats doesn't really seem to make it a very unifying choice for the Supreme Court. Do I want a fillibuster? ::shrug:: I admit, as I continue to keep reading and learning about politics, I become more and more disenchanted with it all. Republicans, Democrats - they're all equally bad. I am starting to understand the viewpoint of apathy a little more. But I'll never be that type of person. Caring and hating it is better than being ignorant and inactive.

Maybe I'm missing something. Is it something cheesy like love? Or is it something more? But how much bigger can you get than love? I don't know. But I need to find it quick, because I can't keep crying. I'm not even sad! Is my subconcious trying to tell me something? Yeah. I just want to be loved. There I said it. This is me being a little angsty. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. That's right, I just quoted Moulin Rouge. I hope you understand the extent of my emotional turmoil!!!!!!! AGH!!!!