journaling

So blogger is taking the hit. I have officially begun journaling again. Free reign. No worries. Just... me.

But blogger is still fabulous. I admit I am busier but very boring. I'm somewhat running into routine - basically interning, SNAP, and finishing my last course at WPI as well as MQP. Not as much new.

For Easter, I am supposedly spending it at Crow with Katie and William and Crow Co. That should be a good time. Katie and I are going to try our darndest to bake a pie. Any suggestions?

I cannot wait until SNAPplications are done with. They are a lot of work and very hard since there were so many good people who applied. Just a few more days!

I need a job. That is all.

22

I don't think I have anymore to add. 22 is a large enough number as is.

my so called life

I have to stop watching My So-Called Life before I go to bed. The episodes… they drain me emotionally and it makes me lay there for hours just wondering whether I live life up to its full potential. And I realize I’m not and that kills me. How do I change this? I need to. I have to. I’ve been near death… and now that statement sounds so ridiculous. Because really, aren’t we near death every day? Who is to say this very next second isn’t our last? And because of that very thought, why do I not lead life like it isn’t? I spent so many seconds of my life this year thinking, “When I get better and I can live again, I am going to do so much and appreciate so much and just live.” And now, I am better, but am I really living? Sometimes, I just get this hollow ache. When I’m home, or alone or just thinking, I begin to doubt everything - doubt myself, doubt why I do what I do, doubt life. Am I the person I want to be? And even if I’m not, could I really change? Is this random spurts of depression? I don’t think it is. It’s just… reality. Or at least my reality. And I so desperately want to change my reality sometimes. But I guess that change seems like such a fantasy. And that... is depressing.

Change is so hard. You want control. But change is out of control. Accepting that, for me, is the hardest part about life. Accepting change, adapting to change, changing again and again and again. Life without change isn't much of a life at all. But sometimes, I wish I handled it better. A huge flaw is the way I handle certain changes. I try to ignore it, and pretend it isn't happening. Or I see it coming and make something else happen so as to counteract it. And ironically, by trying to avoid that change, it happens anyways because of everything I did to try to avoid it. I don't even think I realize I do it sometimes until I'm somewhere I don't want to be, or I'm something I hate. That is when I realize... dammit change is a bitch. Or... I am the bitch. Or even better... I am change's bitch. If only I realized that earlier in the game, I'd probably avoid a lot of pain and problems. But who ever learns lessons the easy way? Not me. Part of my spunkiness I guess... to most of you, that is me being stubborn.

::sigh:: Sometimes I think the thoughts you have before you go to bed have the potential to be life altering. They are the thoughts that speak the truth about what you desire and what you love and hate about everything and anything. I guess it's a segway to your dreams and nightmares. And when you wake up, it fades away... erased by the obligations, the daylight, the responsible side of yourself. Every once in a while, I am able to remember those last few thoughts... those fleeting seconds of my dream which feel like an eternity when I'm living them the first time around... and... those few seconds make life a little less harsh... and turn a few seconds, hours, days, years of my life into something worth living for.

it's tough coming home

It's not that I don't love my family and love Erie. But I think I have outgrown it. Home becomes less familiar and less warming each time I come here. I feel like the long lost relative visiting for a few days. And that is fine. I know deep down, I belong in New England. Or basically I don't belong in Erie anymore. A few more years and I am not even sure I would be visiting. Becky might have a job in CA, mom might move to New Orleans, and Patton might actually do something with his life. And my other friends might have moved on as well, to college, to jobs, to something different, something that is anything but Erie. I am ready for the next chapter of my life.

I didn't go on the American Express interview. I think I would only go there if I were REALLY desperate. Which I'm not... yet. I applied to three other positions the other day, two in Boston and one in Worcester, and am still slightly hoping Allmerica works out, at least for a year. I am ordering an Actec manual and am really going to start studying for this exam. I am going to throw myself at life as an actuary and give it what I got. I owe it that much at least.

I am turning 22 soon, about a week. Strange. 22 years. I wish... that we could record every moment of our lives. 22 years and I feel like I can only rememeber a fourth of it. I know that is what our human brains are truly capable of, but someday, I hope we can do more and remember more. By remembering more, I think we would learn more and not make so many stupid mistakes. History. Very powerful.

Becky's mom still gives me birthday cards with money. It's very touching. She signs it with "Love always, Katie, Bruce, Melissa, and Jessica." And I know the love always is very true. They are my family. I visit them as much as I visit my real family. And I love them a lot.

The other day, Hanni and I were playing Scrabble at Tom's place. He took out a slip of paper and it was dated August 2000 and, in my handwriting, said "Tom Muller laughs w/o a noise." Wow. That really took me back to the days of carefree summers and board games and just simple hangouts at the Muller house on Lincoln Ave. Times have really changed.

We visited Mohegan Sun too and it was pretty fun. I only lost $1.50 for the entire day of slots. It was awesome. Tom and Hanni were jealous of my lucky streak. They both lost about 10 or a little more. I can't wait to check out Foxwoods.

I think I might start journaling again. Blogging is great, but there is only so much you can say before you really start to bare your soul and feel naked. And i feel like my life is going to soon take a new turn and I want to remember as much of it as I can. Make better choices and make a better life. If that is even possible. Sometimes I wonder...