I miss my mom. I want her to come home soon. Monday isn't soon enough for me.

Boys and Girls Club job is ALMOST secured... almost.

Um yeah, still haven't really spoken to Patton since our fight. I'm not going to approach him unless I get an apology. Violence never solves anything and I refuse to stand for it. He is 18 going on 19. Grow the hell up and getting a hold of your temper bucko.

Saw Bruce Almighty with Hanni... it was cute. :-)

Work was extra slow the other day. Whoa. Too slow. Oh well! I'm getting paid to do nothing. I guess I can't complain haha.

David presented another option for C term living issues. I will consider it if I like his sister. Let's hope she isn't a monster.

I've gotten to hangout with Becky a lot and Hanni here and there and it's nice. I love those two. They are my closest friends in Erie. Although me and Ace still chill too haha. Good ol' Erie. Gotta love it.

William brought up the idea of getting an apartment senior year together (with Molly too) and not RAing and living the high life. I think I might do that. I want to see what it's like to be less responsible haha. I wonder if we lived together, whether he would let me how a little more say into what he TiVos haha. :-) And me and Hanni said we would get an apartment after we graduated in Boston or something if she decides to not go to LA for grad school. I really like New England and want to stay there after WPI is done and over with. :-)

OK. I'm going to eat my arm off. Time to make something to eat.

Right now, I feel like screaming so loud that I might wake up the entire world because of the anguish heard in my scream. I'm hurting because I can't help someone I love because they don't see that they need help. Frustration is surging through my veins and I just wish the blood would stop pumping so I could hear myself think over the roar of everything. I need to sleep. I need to try to pretend that this night didn't happen, that people who supposedly love you don't get this angry. But I guess pretending just continues to fuel the fire. Maybe in the morning, things will be calmer, but I know deep down, things won't be better. And I have no idea how to make it better. And being helpless is one of the worst feelings in the entire world. I scream silently.

So I'm back in Erie and it feels nice. All I've done is schmooze and clean since my mom isn't back until June 1st. It's really hard to keep house I have to say. I give mad props to my mom.

I start at t-town tomorrow. It's going to be so bad and so busy and my first day back will suck. Oh well, I look forward to the busy work though. I'm starting to get antsy with so much free time!

Academy is a foreign place now. I think I am getting too old to still be visiting high school. Soon enough the entire school will be recycled and I won't know a soul. It's sad but things change and you gotta change with it.

Speaking of change, I ran into Brandon Macer. First words out of his mouth after a bear hug was "Oh I got some girl pregnant!" AGH!!!! Damn, I was hoping Brandon would turn around and take the potential he had and make something happen. Instead still into drugs and the less finer things in life. But yeah, he isn't going to be a daddy since the girl is getting an abortion or will miscarry (whichever first) because the baby is growing in the fallopian tubes instead of the uterus. ::sigh:: I still have a little hope for Brandon, but that hope fades each time I see him and I don't see him much. Oh well...

More change, I finally spoke to Ben and it turned out as expected. I doubt we'll really be talking for a while. I hate losing friends but right now, I don't want to be his friend. He is this entirely different person and just someone I don't want to spend time with. And of course, when we had our talk, he got super defensive and actually threw the "it's a life experience" retort in my face. And all I can think is "Since when is sleeping with a married man who has a kid and wife a "life experience"?" Ugh! So frustrating and so disgusting. I guess I saw this coming the moment he went to NYU. He isn't the same person as before and yeah... change is good but in his case, I think his change is just plain bad. I hope whoever he is right now isn't a permanent thing because I'll never able to be friends with who he is now. And it's not like this affair with the married man was the thing that made me want to not be his friend anymore. It was just the last straw. It was piling up and I had to say what I felt. And I know I'm not the only friend who thinks this way, but I'm the only one who is willing to say it to him. OK, no more thinking about this for a while. Maybe we will be friends again some day... not right now though. I'm of no help to him right now because all I have is disgust and disapproval and just bad vibes and that is not what he needs or wants. Friends are supposed to have respect for each other and right now, I can't give him that.

Well besides those few bad points, I don't have much to say really except summer feels good. The actuarial exam is done and over with. I will get my official "you failed" mailing July 11... I'll try again in the fall. I've got the rest of my life to try and pass those damn exams. Wee! OK. No more to say really. I look forward to Tinseltown and the Boys and Girls Club and NYC with Becky and seeing William and just regaining all those hours of sleep I missed out on during the school year. I miss WPI a lot and everyone but it's good to be home in Erie. I look forward to A term and all it promises :-) but will make this summer one of the best. Summer, here I come.

So tonight we played some rummy and in Phong's words, I waxed everyone haha. Kicked some butt.

William called too and we just stayed on the phone talking on and off and just enjoying each other's background noise. Although he did say a very selfish comment to me over the phone. He said if him and Emily don't work out, then he doesn't want my thing to work out because "Misery loves company." OK someone please tell me that wasn't the most selfish thing ever to say to your best friend. Yeah I thought so too. That is two very insulting comments in less than a month. The Jew needs to think before he speaks.

OK I should go to bed. Patton is getting pissy, as usual. I'm out.

Less than a week left in New Orleans and I kinda don't want to go home haha. Once I'm here, I rarely want to leave. It just feels nice to be here. All I do is chill and hang with family all the time. I really love my ridiculously Asian family haha. We dropped off Jenny yesterday ::tear:: Hopefully she will be back here for the weekend. I forget she is still in high school. Me and her are so close and it's funny because we aren't even technically related haha. She is my cousin's wife's niece. So we are related by marriage really. But she is like blood family to me and we get along so well haha. Friends of the family are confused when they find out we aren't blood related... they think we are so close because we are family... haha she is so bored in Morgan City. I hope she can come back and chill. I love my family! :-)

Dammit... Pacers - gone, Celtics - gone, Sixers - tied 2-2, and Lakers (ugh) down 3-2... Go Sixers!

I seriously need to study for the actuarial exam. I don't want to though. But David gave me a link to practice exams and they have given me renewed enthusiasm haha. Man, I bet David passes the exam and he isn't even an actuarial math major. How crazy would that be? Haha I told him I would be sooo pissed and proud of him haha. Although if he did pass it, he would most likely just switch over to MAC. That would be awesome haha... converting a MA major to a MAC! WOO!

Damn Joshua, my littlest cousin (well first cousin once removed) is too cute for words. I helped him with his homework and he always wants my attention haha. Adorably devilish and spoiled as hell but I love him haha. I hope my kids are as cute as him. :-)

Good baby names: Isabelle, Sophie, Hannah, Chloe, Emma, Olivia, and Molly is growing on me too haha... Ethan, Jacob (not Jake), Dylan, Cameron, Lucas (or Luke), Chase, and a few more...

OK... that is all... Patton is getting itchy to get online... I'm out.

Dude I'm in the Big Easy and life does not get any better than this. It's super hot and super muggy but thank gawd for central air. I am keeping a crazy detailed written journal of my time here so I can remember it in case it's another 3 years until I get to visit again. I hope it's not that long til my next visit. I don't like being a part from my family for that long. Everyone has grown up so much. It's scary.

Hardest moment: Seeing my grandfather for the first time in 3 years and realizing that his Alzheimers is really bad. I had to hold in my tears as he tried to remember who my mom was, his very own daughter. He didn't even remember me. I just held his hands and stared into his forgetful eyes. It hurts so much to see him like this.

OK that is all. Most said comment of the trip from my relatives on seeing me "Oh my God, you are soooo short! Did you shrink? I think I'm taller than you are!" I think it's there nice version of the usual "Oh man Vonda, you got fat!" Haha, Asians are so cruel and honest. Gotta love it! Haha.

:-) I really love being here.

So I'm sitting here packing up clothes AGAIN. Yeah people, I unpacked only to re-pack. I am going to be in New Orleans around 6:30pm tomorrow. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, I'm ridiculously psyched. I hope someone has internet service down there though haha, I don't think I could go ten days without checking my email or else my inbox will be flooded by crazy SocCommers. :-)

Ten days with the family. I can't even begin to imagine the crazy fun. :-) OK. That is all I really wanted to say I guess. Expect blogs if there is internet down south. If not, then don't expect anything until May 19th. Make sure to give my cell a call if you just want to see how I'm doing. I'm sure I'll be having a grande time. :-) And I'm out.

So tonight, I was supposed to go to a movie with Julia, but instead we just chilled at her place with Christ friggin' Dundon and her younger brother and sister and then lovely Dave Chestek joined us later. It was just chill and we just talked about our years and such. It was really nice. Haha, I was def the oldest person there since Julia, Chris, and Dave are all a year below me... but I went to gradeschool with Julia and Chris and I knew Dave through Tom and Mike so we have all kinda known each other since gradeschool some how. Anyways, holy crap, Julia's little brother Tom could be a model or something. He is only 15 and he looks like he should be on some Abercrombie poster or something. I remember when he was 7 or something... most irritating little blonde kid ever! Haha. And Becky, her younger sis, is kinda grown up too and I remember when she was little and spastic and hyper and a doll. Ouch though, because she def got an 800 on her SATs and she wants to go to NYU... that will not happen unless she increases that score by a holy hell a lot! Anyways, the night was filled with reminiscing about grade school at Blessed Sacrament... our old gym teacher Mr. Smith who is in jail for rape and we all saw that coming... and yeah... just laughs... I will have to hang out with them more this summer... I have always loved Dave and Julia... and well Chris, I could grow to like him more haha... I def found him annoying when him and Becky (my best friend, not Julia's sister) dated... he is still the same Chris Dundon too... immature and all that jazz but now has his own apartment and is manager at the bike shop and going to school at Gannon. He still doesn't do his laundry though! AGH! How do people go through life without doing laundry! It blows my mind I tell you, really does haha. On similar subject matter, I swear on whatever is holy, David will do his laundry in A term if his mom doesn't make him try it over summer!

I'm really not sleepy. This is a problem. I will go watch TV and try to make myself sleepy. I hate my sleeping pattern gets screwy.

Let’s see. I don’t know why I haven’t blogged in so long. It’s not like I’m busy in any way haha.

OK. Trip home was too much fun, even though Molly and I were in separate cars. We still managed to have our starburst competition (oh and I so kicked her ass... she has performance anxiety haha). And there was this weird guy on the road who kept using his wiper fluid and it was getting ALL OVER my car and even MOLLY’S CAR! And she was BEHIND me! And the weird thing is that the guy kinda winked at me as I zoomed on by because I was sick of getting all his excess fluid. Was that car flirting or something? Whatever it was, haha, I definitely didn’t want any part of it haha. Oh and as I was nearing this car with VT plates, I signaled to Molly to look at it and it comes out to be this HOT guy behind the wheel. Haha... what can I say, I guess a few good things come out of VT haha. And we stopped at Angola, my favorite service stop and me and Molly stood on the footbridge and looked down and tripped ourselves out each time a big semi was pass. It was fun. Then again, road trips with the ho are always fun. I am so glad she came with me because seriously, besides the funny entertainment, all my shit would not have fit into my vehicle whatsoever. :-) Molly is the best. She is in Chicago right now and will be back tomorrow sometime and she is going to the Boro with me and checking out what makes Boro kids tick. And then we are moving the fag machine (AKA my lovely little brother hahaha) back home. Don’t worry people, fag machine is an inside joke with Patton. He calls me it, too. Brotherly and sisterly love. :-)

Umm... I’m finally gonna brave the outside world and see a movie with Julia tonight. She is the only other person I know who is home. We haven’t really seen each other since Christmas and even then, we happen to run into each other. I love her though. We were really good friends in HS. And we even went to grade school together. She is one of those people I always got extra crazy around haha. I remember going to Academy dances and jeez people thought me and her were friggin’ CCCCCRAZY! We were just so hyper together and we would just be off our rockers. It made Academy dances way more fun if you were high on life because man those dances needed help haha. Anyways, I love the apple of my friggin’ eye, Julia (that was our term of endearment for each other... haha I have a lot of special names for people huh? haha)

Krissy called me today and it looks like I will start up at Tinseltown May 23. I wince now because I realize that The Matrix comes out the weekend before and every underaged kid is going to try and get into it. Agh! Why is it rated R?!! Oh wait, I know why... guns, people dying, and the kewlest story line ever! I cannot wait to see it! That and X-men 2. I will have to try and see it while I’m in New Orleans with the family.

Holy damn, I will be in New Orleans this Friday. It is a little scary haha. I haven’t been there in like 4 years. I wonder what everyone is like now. We have all grown up a lot and most of us are out of high school trying to find ourselves in college or looking for ourselves in other professions. All the babies will be bratty kids. All the old people just got older. And my Godmother will not be there to hug me when I get in and yell at me for not talking to her enough. ::emotional moment:: I wonder how I will react when it really hits home that she died 2 and a half years ago. :-( I miss her. I miss everyone. I forgot how much I miss my family. I cannot wait to see them all!

Perks about being home: showering with sandals, good toilet paper, no stress, awesome food, my mom, my brother, Becky, Walmart, cheap movies, 50 cent night, Academy, knowing the roads and never feeling lost, etc.

Sucky things about being home: water pressure, crappy washer, bathroom sink only dispenses hot water, card nite, my mom, my brother (they are on this list for the times when they do suck haha :-) ), boredom, seeing so many pregnant teens or teens with baby strollers, realizing how Erie is mondo hopeless, etc.

Who I miss like crazy: everyone!

This summer is going to be really different. No John, no Ben (that is kind of a good thing though), no Tom, maybe no Sarah... it will be me, Beck, my brother, Hanni, Jeff, etc and whoever I else I decide to hang with. I am kinda glad though. This summer will be fresh and I love making new friends. I can’t wait until lazer tag starts up. And I can’t wait til Brian Huster graduates from college and gets his butt home to Erie. Agh, weird he is graduating from college! Agh! And I hope he doesn’t decide to teach in China... I don’t think I would like that. No Huster laugh for a year! :-( I’m so glad me and him became such good friends after we moved away from Erie haha. It’s so funny how when we both went to school in Erie, we never really bothered to get to know each other although we always saw each other in the passing and had so many mutual friends. Anyways, yeah... this summer will be an awesome summer. I just know it!

Me and Beck are going to NYC this summer too! To see Conan! WOO! And hopefully we can stay with William and commute in. It’s going to be AWESOME!

Oh weird, first night out with Becky and we run into Mike Kennerknecht and Emily from T-town. Weirdness. I was definitely not expecting to see Mike. It was odd to see him with his girlfriend haha. I remember how I used to pine away for him over Christmas break haha... He is such a flirt... I remember wishing he would come and chill with me during his break and he usually did and he would just proceed to flirt away even though he had a gf (I didn’t find out about the gf til much later)... ::shakes head:: I can’t believe I liked him haha. ::eyes roll:: Funny how I see him now and don’t even feel an ounce of giddiness or anything remotely butterfly-ish. He is just... Mike. ::shrugs:: Haha... my how things change. :-) And for the better! I think I’ve moved onto way kewler people haha.

OK it’s almost time to holla to Julia and give her the game plan. I can’t wait to be a true Erie-ite on 50 cent Tuesdays at the dollar theatre! WOO! Hot damn it feels good to be in Erie!

So I'm back in Erie and just chillin' and enjoying the life that I've always known.

The only person I've really hung out with is Becky and that is A-OK with me because she is awesome. :-) She is an awesome best friend and we are going to have a great summer making fun happen in Erie haha.

I don't know why but I haven't had the urge to blog lately at all. It's been days. I think there is something wrong with me haha. Maybe tomorrow. :-)

This is my last post in Worcester. It's going to be short and boring since I really do need to finish packing. I want to be out of Worcester by 5pm.

Molly is coming back to Erie with me in her car and thank gawd because I wouldn't have been able to fit all my crap in just my car. Then she is going to spend a few days with me. Yay!

I got the guts and said how I felt and I feel ten times better having done it. Granted it's summer and there isn't anywhere for these feelings to go but meh! It doesn't matter. He knows now and whether he feels the same way is up in the air... I was afraid what I thought was going to happen would come true and it did... the confusion between just friend or more... that is always tough... anyways... we're all good as of right now and it almost feels like nothing is changed between us even though I said I def liked him so I guess no matter what happens, this will be a lasting friendship (or more... A term will be interesting I guess... I love starting off the year with unexpectedness). :-)

OK. That is all. I seriously need to pack. My room is still a wreck. Good bye Worcester!