Saturday, January 31, 2004

Well I put off my laundry and now I am paying for it by having to stay up late to finish it so I can sleep in tomorrow a little bit.

Skip the next paragraph if you don't want to hear me whine... :-)

Jessi just came in and talked to me about her guy problems. Me and her are so similar when it comes to that. We take the friends approach and the guys love us as friends... but nothing more. :-( And all I can do is keep frowning whenever I think about it. Sometimes I just go "Meh. Whatever, no biggie." But then I realize I'm in my third year of college and still not one single relationship. And... it sucks. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. Maybe I am too picky. Maybe I am choosing the wrong peopple to like. Or maybe I am destined to be a spinster. And what I hate even more is that this topic consumes me as much as it does lately. It makes me feel so weak. And I hate to feel weak. I keep telling myself, don't like anyone and just focus on yourself. But I find myself not doing that. I know that whatever I think or whoever I might be interested in or whatever I may be feeling will most likely lead to nowhere so why even bother. FUCK. See. I hate that. That down on your self esteem vibe I get from myself. It's so friggin' lame. I am not that person. I need to really get off this groove. I need to be able to be friends with this guy without wondering anymore than that. It doesn't matter anyways... I'm going away in a few weeks and then summer and then yup. And he is probably not right for me anyways... right? Right? Agh! Get a grip Vonda. Focus on friends. School. Home. Fun. Lots and lots of fun.

I feel really overwhelmed lately with all my work. ID 2050 is picking up a lot and I am doing so many activities and so many meetings and the other two classes aren't cake walks either all the time. Sometimes I really wonder how I manage to do it all and not cry at least once a day or something. But I really can't drop anything... can't drop AGD or SocComm or RAing or ID 2050 or MA 3457 or MG 3600 or SNAP. At least next year I will be minus the RAing. That will be a load off. I think I have reconsidered on the office thing in AGD. I always do this. I say I won't take an office and then completely change my mind. I think I want Ritual. It's my favorite part about AGD and I'll be a senior and yeah... Ritual. :-)

The AGD Retreat was tonight. Lots of fun. :-) I really do love being an Alpha Gam. Plus the naked pillow fights are ridiculously fun! ;-)

SocComm Retreat is tomorrow. I hope it is super fun. I am excited because I get to hang out with some of my favorite people - William, Laura, Drew (all future roomies), Bertini :-), and the rest of the awesome SocComm gang. The last retreat was where I got my nickname McBoobs. Let's see what happens this time. I am pretty excited. :-)

OK laundry should be done in a little bit. Then bed. I want a good dream.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Yeesh. When you assign someone a song and then something not pleasurable happens, you have a hard time listening to the song until you're completely over it or them. It is slightly ruining Maroon 5 for me right now. Oh well. They are too good to not listen to though. It's funny, I ranted and raved about them forever, especially over winter break. No one really cared, but now that they are bigger, Melissa IMs me and asks "can you burn me the CD?" Haha, why didn't you ask me while I was home when I told you they were good? ;-) I guess once MTV says they are cool, then you believe. :-)

PQP isn't too bad yet. It will be soon though. Very soon. Still, it isn't as bad as other peoples. So I can't complain too much. :-)

The apartment thing still isn't completely resolved. All I know is that it needs to be.

I need to become more of a morning person. Someone make me be a morning person! :-P

Oscars came out. Yay for surprise nods to Johnny Depp, Diane Keaton, and Keisha Castle-Hughes (from Whale Rider... a VERY good film).

Um... no more blogging. Must start/write MG paper. Dear gawd, I hate papers. :-)

Sunday, January 25, 2004

What was my weekend like? Mmm... actually pretty damn good!

Win A Date With Tad Hamilton was GREAT. We all loved it. I kept telling Matt Hazel that he was one of the only single straight guys there. Poor Matt Hazel had sprained his ankle badly but still came. He is a trooper. Although he grimaced at a couple parts of the movie and it wasn't from the pain in his ankle. :-P I guess he didn't like some of the sappiness haha. Our group of people was the oldest there. It was swarming with teeny boppers, mainly female. And I guess Molly was sitting in front of stupid ones who wouldn't shut up, so right in the middle of the movie, Molly couldn't take it and turned around and hissed "SHUT UP!" in a very pissed off way. I wish I could have seen her do that! But it only made the teeny boppers worse. The best line from them all night was at the end when he goes "Oh so your mom is picking us up right?" HAHAHAHAHAHA. Anyways, the movie was great and the group of people all liked it except for Kathleen. The rest of us saps fell in love with Topher Grace. Except Kathleen who loved Josh Duhammel. She is weird. ;-)

The ride home from the movies was excruciating! William does not know how to speed. At certain points in the ride back from Solomon Pond, he was only going 55. It made me cringe. He can't handle going fast than 60. That wouldn't be a bad thing IF THE SPEED LIMIT WASN'T 65! We all ragged on him so bad. :-) Such a granny driver.

Saturday was kinda better in a sense. I got the office cleaned which was great. But the second best thing of the day had to be getting closure with David (I hope he isn't weirded out by me... haha I was quite crazy). Closed the book. It's long overdue. I think I saw this coming over break when me and Ace had that crazy long talk about stuff. She was right. Except now I find myself in a weird void again. And asking myself why do I like quiet Republicans who don't like tickle fights? Really! Why? That is definitely the opposite of me. And really... would they work? Probably not. I am a little bit crazy and need someone who is similarly crazy. I must repeat to myself (over and over again) no Republicans and only people who somewhat like tickle fights. Unless the Republicans change but the likelihood of that is next to none. I've only like so few people at WPI. Now I am back again in the "I don't think I really like anyone" phase. My tickle fight questions really knocked out anyone I could have thought something for. Am I crazy to use the tickle fight question? Probably. But I am crazy so it doesn't matter. And the tickle fight question isn't crazy I guess. It lets me know what type of relationship they could have. Tickle fights are intimate, carefree, fun, tender moments where you can laugh and giggle and just enjoy each other's closeness. So if someone doesn't want that, even just once because I don't want tickle fights all the time whatsoever... just once maybe or whenever it feels right or just the fact that the relationship has potential for a tickle fight, then what do they want when it comes to intimacy? Right? It's OK if you think I am crazy... :-)

The best part of the night had to be going out to Thai Cha Da with Laura, William, and Drew. It was gggggreat. We were there four hours just shooting the breeze and it was just great. Drew just clicks with us so well. :-)

I've got a busy day. PQP stuff, projects to do, films AGD, etc. And next week is retreat city. Agh! Life is really picking up. But really when isn't it? :-)

Thursday, January 22, 2004

The work is starting to pile up. I need to forfeit the pleasures of sleeping in and wake up and get work done. Must be more disciplined!

The layoffs at WPI suck so much. Good bye Erin, Sgt. Desy, Kate, Janice, George Flett, the ME1800 lab guy, and the list goes on. What's scary is that it still isn't over. ::sigh::

ID 2050 seems not so bad so far. Prof. Kjunquist is AWESOME. Everyone should be jealous.

The apartment thing is still not sealed. And there is still the issue of who gets the biggest room. The biggest room is the largest room in the entire house. I wish we could somehow make that room the living room and the current living room someone's room. I wonder what Mark would think... I wish it were summer already and leases were signed and we could all move in.

First impressions of people aren't always true. Take Patrick for example. You think he is this nice, quiet kid. Nah... catty and all about the quick quips he can get in. Not that I mind. :-) Good to have him back from his coop.

It blows my mind that there are people who are so adverse to gay marriages. We had a semi-debate about it in the office today. Really it was everyone against one person. Honestly, I don't think gay marriages will be the downfall of our government or our country. Will two men being married or two women being married really affect your lives that much? Tell me the crime please. If your religion thinks it's wrong, then whatever. But religion doesn't (or shouldn't) dictate law. Period. Another thing that bothers me is how religious people think that gay people are going to hell and then tell their friends that are gay or bi this. Don't you think it kills your friend to know that you think he or she is morally wrong and that God is going to send them to hell? Really. Think about it. If you think they are so morally wrong, then why be friends with them? If you can't accept them for who they are and condemn them secretly or quietly, then what's the point? If you are a true friend, then open your mind and heart and realize there is more out there than what you've been told. And not everything is as black and white as you wish it could be. Anyways, had to get that out. Why you ask? Because stoopid Bush made a comment about it in the State of the Union. And stoopid Rick Santorum (a rep for PA) clapped like a madman. Ugh, really stoopid people.

Current group going to Win A Date With Tad Hamilton: Vonda, Molly, Erin, Colleen, Jroy, Kathleen, Matt Hazel, William, Jess J... tentative to change of course. But still... good group! :-)


Sunday, January 18, 2004

What's the worse thing to happen to a band you really like? ::thinking:: THEY MAKE IT REALLY BIG. I know it's selfish, but I would prefer a band stay little and good and popular without being crazy mainstream. When they get really big, they get overplayed and it ruins the music for me. People don't get that whole "too much of a good thing" when it comes to airplay. Anyways, I am seeing Maroon 5 everywhere all of a sudden... or at least starting too... they are touring with John Mayer and then that TRL live performance and I am getting scared. They are really good though. Kudos. I just hope I don't stop listening to them. That's the biggest worry.

I cannot get Liz Phair's "Why Can't I" out of my head. Keeps reverberating.
"Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you"

It's all really because of the Win A Date With Tad Hamilton previews. Man I can't wait to see that. If it hadn't been for the darn flat tire... ::shaking fist at my stupid cursed car::

Along Came Polly is happening tomorrow. Yay! Girls outing with Molly and Jess J. Good stuff.

::yawn:: Tired. Kinda cleaned my room finally. Good. I can walk in and out now... impressive? Yeah I know. Good nite.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Friendship takes time and patience. I cannot emphasize that enough. Sometimes I want to scream and just say, screw this. But that's being irrational. You just need to sit down and talk. Sometimes I think I am scared to have that talk because of the possible things that could be said. Or the idea that the friendship is failing because it's all my fault. That fear comes from those awful high school experiences where all my "friends" ganged up on me and made the failure of our circle of 5 my fault. As if I could bring on the apocolypse - 5 people not liking each. Anyways, that awful time has made me so careful when it comes to letting my guard down. Now my secret weapon is that the moment I know you're starting to think about losing interest in me, I will lose interest in you first. I will beat you to the punch so as to save myself the pain. It's sad but I am a girl and have been fucked over so much. And instead of really forgiving and getting over it, I carry that wound, keep infecting it over and over and never trying a different treatment. Well never needs to stop. I've found friends I really do appreciate here and I need to stop doing that. So instead of throwing salt in the wound each time, I'm gonna put myself out on the line and talk and take the pain that could ensue. It will hurt, but it will get better. Nothing and no one is perfect. Friendships have flaws and what makes it a friendship is that people want to work on fixing those flaws. So yeah... ::nods:: trying to not be that scared girl and take the plunge.

Closure - A bringing to an end; a conclusion. I need that. I need to just let that person know that this is it. I am done. No more beating around the bush. I'm gonna tell him how I felt about him and how I love him as a friend, but I'm crushing my crush. I'm pretty sure the feelings weren't reciprocated. And yup... I need to just move on and never relapse again.

Which brings me to the love life. Look at that, I start thinking about "love" and WHAM, I'm not 20 anymore... I'm 13 and pining away for something that isn't gonna happen. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm so picky and choosy as to who I like... I think I should quit worrying about it, but really how does one do that honestly? Even now, I say I won't think about it, but I lie. Because there are people I wonder about, whether they like me, or if I like them... and just so much clutter! I can't find clarity in there. Then again, love is never clear as it should be is it? Then again, HOW WOULD I KNOW? I don't think I know what love is. How I wish I could know what is like to be in love. Who is the right person for me? Am I going to find them soon? Or will I be 50 and find my soulmate? Love does not know time. Punctuality is not its forte. ::nods:: Yup. I don't know where I am going with this. Except that I am bored of the 20 years of a lack of love. I want my first kiss (in my definition it's a first kiss... the first one that would mean something)... I want to know what it feels like to love someone so much it hurts... I want my masochistic music to mean something and not have it be pining away music. Fuck. I sound like an angsty teenager again. Oh well. I can usually control this feeling but sometimes it flares and I get frustrated. And then I blog. :-)

Must get ready to show the apartment to Laura's parents and Molly and maybe Ross. This 4th roommate thing is becoming such a headache. We just need one. Anyone out there interested? :-P

Thursday, January 15, 2004

The night before C term. I should be asleep. Instead I'm wide awake. Lots of thoughts running through my head. Worries about friends. Worries about myself, my classes. Let's start the rambling.

LOVE THE APARTMENT. We want it without a doubt. It is so expensive though, $500 and we need a fourth. We have asked a few people. Let's see if some of them work out. I don't know how I will afford it, but I'll somehow make it happen.

Interesting, a guy from Hartford Life stumbled upon my blog when he was googling whether Ben Stiller plays an actuary in Along Came Polly. He emailed me. Very interesting, I must say! :-)

Talked to Becky again. As usual. I need daily support and talks from her. :-) And she needs mine as well. That's what best friends are for.

Goals for the weekend: See Win A Date With Tad Hamilton because I love Topher Grace and see Along Came Polly because I think it's about an actuary! :-D And hang out with Jess J! I miss her. Good to have a class with her.

Speaking of classes, numerical methods looks like hell. Daily homework, 4 mini projects, 2 midterms, a 2 hour final, and lots and lots of matlabs. Let me say, I am not thrilled. I just need to get through this. It's my last class that I need to have for graduation in the math area (besides MQP and all that comes with it). I can do it. I have Jess J with me, we can do this together!

Tired all of a sudden. Sleep will feel so good. Hello C term!

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

This is the worst way to start off the hardest term I'll ever have at WPI. RA training is killing me. Maybe I shouldn't have come back for C term. I love my residents, but the other stuff is getting tough. It's over for now, but just the past two days have made me feel so anxious and unhappy.

Went to see Chasing Liberty with William. It was good. I was really in an upset mood though because of the day spent with RA training. I enjoyed the movie but any time there was a moment where emotion was running high, I started crying. I couldn't stop. Just lots of tears... I worried that I would almost start sobbing. I haven't felt this upset at a movie since Simon Birch. ::sigh::

I'm not sure what my tears were spilled for. RA training. Stress. Missing people. Love - or the lack there of. Less than perfect friendships. Reality. Poor Becky gets so many calls because I'm wigging out. SHe asked me today if I am ever happy here. Am I? I think I am. But sometimes, this feeling I have today is so overwhelming, how many times can it escalate til it evelates to a place I can't breath?

A talk with Becky always helps. ANyways sleep is necessary since we are apartment looking tomorrow and I have TONS of soccomm tomorrow. :-) Which will be a good thing. Good nite. Pray for a good C term. Please God, let me have a good C term.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

I caught the ending of Moulin Rouge today and it makes me ache just a tiny bit. I know it's weird, but I wish I knew what it was like to love someone so much, it hurt. Ewan McGregor is amazing. I have become a fan of his. I have yet to see a movie where I didn't like his acting. Kudos to him.

RA training blows. It just drags badly. All I have liked so far is the guided meditation. It was amazing because I felt like I was truly in some type of groove. I could feel myself sink further and further into this weird limbo, a comforting abyss you might say. I loved it. Otherwise... I wish I were sleeping instead of training. But it's the last training I'll ever have to do! :-) I miss William though! Training feels devoid without him. Lucky bum.

The Tatnuck Bookstore raped me and my credit card today. Darn expensive books! 253! EEK!

I don't get people's obsessions with grades. Sure, I want an A. Who doesn't? But to think that you are stupid or to obsess like your life depended on a letter than won't mean anything in a few years... it's baffling. I do remember when I used to obsess over the addiction of getting A's and the torment I would put myself through. I had never gotten a C until college. And surprisingly enough, I didn't even care that much about the C. I was like, awesome, I passed! And I worked hard to pass! I just took it and moved on. I think when I came to college, I just completely changed my outlook on grades. If I learned something, then that's all that's count. Granted I have yet to fail anything but, hey... I'll cross that hurdle when it (never, cross my fingers!) comes. :-) I just wish people would lighten up and enjoy college - worry less about the letter A and worry more about where all the F-U-N went. :-P

I am sooo excited about Denmark! I was talking to Stash and I'm hoping me and Molly can share a suite with her and Diana! That would rock my socks! And we were talking about Easter Break. Italy is my future! :-D I hope Denmark motivates Molly a little bit. I know she didn't get a stellar group, but it's going to be really good for her. I hope she just chirks up about school in general. It just seems like this year, she has lost all pep and it's not good. :-( My poor ho.

I do worry about how well certain friends of mine (hell all the females except me) will live without their significant others while in Denmark. I know I don't have that special someone and can't understand how much they love them and miss them, but I swear on my favorite polka dot skirt, if I have to deal with too much moping crap over boyfriends, I will freak out. 7 weeks in Denmark - a trip of a lifetime NOT MEANT TO BE SPENT MOPING! The occasional mope is understandable... anymore than that, and I will make it a point not to spend too much time with them until they lighten up. I will make Danish friends instead! The Danish... so hot!

The Actuarial Exam has once again won. How unfortunate but not surprising. I need to make time to study. I just don't have the discipline. Oooooh well. Maybe the spring. :-)

I miss Becky incredibly. That is one of the hard parts about leaving home. She gets me. And if there is a moment where she doesn't, she listens and tries her hardest to get me. She isn't selfish, always makes time for me, understands my humor, makes me laugh my ass off, listens great, has crazy hair, and yeah... she's Becky. :-( I wish I could put her in my suitcase and keep her here at WPI. I have great friends here at WPI, and I know that a few of them will definitely be lifetime friends without a doubt. But none of them quite compare to the BVC still. Granted, I have been best friends with her since 8th grade... so she does have quite a few years advantage. :-P I guess it's hard to deal with a lot of crap from other friends when you have a best friend like Becky and know that friendships can happen without so much crap. Patience, Vonda, patience. :-)

Say a little prayer for my girl, Ace. She needs a little help from the Big Guy and all of us. Gotta love my killer Ace. :-)

Tom Muller was awesome! It was so nice to see that punk. We did a lot of talking. We were up til 3:30 the first night, just shooting the shit. It was so great. Too bad his house is super creaky and creepy haha. He's still the same Tom. I always hope one day he gets a burst of excitement. He leads such a quiet life with a lot of ladies. I need to seriously make the effort to go to Wesleyan and check out this place. He always makes time in his schedule, I must do the same. Also, I wish more people would call him. I feel like everyone just asks me how Tom is doing instead of picking up their cell and ringing him up. Or even email for pete's sake! He would appreciate the bit of contact. Oh well. Until people do that, I will just continue to be the Tom Muller Newsletter with updates on his life. I've repeated it like 5 times over break.

Mmm Ben and I were Ok and then went rocky again. We aren't just meant to be good friends again. It's too late. He will always get mad at me in a second for any non-complimenting remark. And I'm not going to lie to his face about anything, or sugarcoat. Honesty is what he needs anyways. THe fight we had was just too big and too much. I'm not going to change my viewpoints and he isn't going to either. We are stubborn people. It sucks, but I'm accepting it. We'll always be acquaintances because of the friends we share, but not too much deeper than that. First real friendship I had in high school that has truly detoriated. Gertrude Stein doesn't count because we never shared anything deep. Me and Ben did. ::sigh:: That's life.

I miss David a bit already. WPI doesn't feel right without him here. Bah. Oh well, I hope he is having a great time in London.

I have finally gotten rid of the awful smoke smell. Yay!

I should go to bed since I have RA training at 10. 10 is such a pleasure because that is a true sleep-in when it comes to RA training. :-) My bed is laundry fresh. I LOVE it. I wish I could bottle the laundry scent up. The future hubby (cross my fingers again) would smell of it all the time. Hehe. ;p) <-- that's a Tony smile right there! Nite!

Thursday, January 08, 2004

It's been quite a while since my last blog. I am blogging instead of packing right now. Procastination is my life.

I got my Denmark project, top choice baby! I got the Accident Study which is awesome and my project partners are even AWESOMER! I have Stash, my old roomie, and Matt Knott. Both very amiable people. I am SUPER excited. :-)

I forgot to say what my B term grades were. Not all of them are out yet because Kathy Wilkens sucks at life and couldn't get her grades in for some stupid reason. But the kicker is that I passed Math Modeling! I almost cried when I saw my grade. Suzy gave me a B! WTF?! I couldn't believe it. I know my average in that class was gawd awful. But hey, whatever, I can't complain. And I got a B in Stats II as well, although at first it was a C and then I emailed Petrucelli to let him know he forgot to give me a grade for the last lab. That bumped me to B range, woo hoo! I got a killer A in Pre-PQP. Woo! That made me extra happy! I guess my final paper was decent enough! And I know our group paper rocked because the Tom and Peder told us they heard good things from Kent. And I still have a Q in MG 2200. I think that class will end up an A because I rocked it and I definitely was getting the highest or second highest scores in that class. If I don't get an A, I will have to inquire as to why. But as I said before, Kathy sucks and couldn't get it in on time although she had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. Anyways, these grades mean one thing: NO STUDY HOURS IN C TERM! WOOOOOOOOO! :-D

So here is the disappointing part of school: I got rejected from Wallstreet. Bah. Oh well. I still don't know how I got rejected. ::shrug:: At first I was pretty sad, but then I called these landlords and it comes out we might get a killer apartment and that erased any unhappiness! :-) I will just have to find a lame on-campus MQP to do like Patrick hehe. Maybe if David doesn't get in, we can do one together. It would have to be actuarial though. :-D

I am so pumped about the apartment thing. I hope it works out with these guys because they sound really nice and the place sounds killer. It will be renovated and such, but it's a great location and hopefully when we talk more, it will be a great price! Mandi Moore's place was really nice but it was SUPER expensive. The cheaper the better. Plus if it's decently cheap, maybe Tom will come live with me over the summer! That means I need an on-campus job though. I don't know how I will pull that off though. Let's cross our fingers! Maybe RSO, although I am not returning. Or one of the other RA jobs over the summer. I want to actually use my apartment over the summer though. I don't want to be paying rent and not using it, you know? We shall see! I will have to have it all squared away before Denmark though.

Let's see. What has happened since my last blog? New Years was quiet and nice. Just a little ditty at Amanda's and then a sleepover with my best friend in the whole wide world! And then just lots of working. We hung out at Tony's one of those nights and watched City of Lost Children - a really weird French film from the same director of Amelie. It was super super weird. And I definitely fell asleep for part of it. I ended up falling asleep later on too while Tony and Becky chatted it up. I was tired. HI TONY! I KNOW YOU READ MY BLOG ALTHOUGH YOU SAID BEFORE YOU WOULDN'T! ACE TOLD ME! he, it doesn't matter though, I don't care. :-P I never say anything bad about him though. I should. :-) Or something juicy about Tinseltown since he is the manager. Alas, nothing juicy ever happens. Except for a suspension, but it wasn't that big of a deal. It was well deserved though! :-) Speaking of work, I was 54 off one day. I think it was a computer error. Because it happens that the next day, a CRAP TON of people were off and we lost a bunch of money it said, even managers! So I think it wasn't me since 54 is exactly 8 adult tickets on a fri-sat night, maybe a refund problem? I doubt I will get written up, and if they do, it will sit there until possibly next winter. Hehe.

I got to hang out with Ian a little bit. I still hate him for being gone so long over break. But at least I got to see him for lazer tag. He loved the gift I got him. A nice picture collage frame of me, Becky, Adam, and Amy and it says "Cinemark wouldn't be the same without you, Ian" and IAN is the color red in both Cinemark and his name. It was hot. I love that kid. He is such a favorite of mine. And me and Adam are oodles of fun together! I got 5 hugs from him over break! Hecks yeah! I love Adam! I made him feel bad though one day, and I made him an apology card. :-) I hope he has a better semester. I love all my box office people. :-)

My fingers are getting cold. And my clothes are still unpacked. And it's almost midnite. And I need my sleep. And I cannot with for quality time with Tom. :-) It will be a good but crazy ass term, I can just feel it in my bones. :-)