Tuesday, August 31, 2004

the unexpected

You never know when it's going to happen. It just does. Life is peachy keen one moment and the next you're dead. It's not fair, it's not right, and it's even worse when you're so young. But it happens and all you can do is deal and make your life worth every next moment you get. I feel like I've been given a second chance. I was close to death. Too close. I was lucky. A broken pelvis and some nerve damage seems so little in comparison. Although I didn't know the WPI student who died, my heart goes out to all his family and friends. He died after being struck by a car. I cannot stress the importance of driving carefully. Quoting Advanced Driver's Training: "Your vehicle is a killing machine."

I know what it's like to lose a friend at such a young age. My friend Rob died my freshman year of high school due to a bad car accident. I couldn't stop thinking about it and how I would never see his goofy face at my window, or his baggy pants, or hear his lame jokes. And everyday I would pass his old house on the corner and my heart would ache just a tiny bit. I even had nightmares about him. He would be in them and everything would be alright and then I would remember, "Wait, you're dead!" And he would joke and say he wasn't and I would go to hug him and he would disappear... bringing back the reality. Those dreams were awful. We were so young. It wasn't fair. But that's life in a sense. There is no life without an eventual death. And I had to learn to accept that. Still thinking of you Rob...

It's September almost. God speed my recovery time.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

just a memory

Freshman year... senior year. Has it been that long? Although I have yet to officially start my senior year, I am starting to realize that it is my last year. I am sure it will hit much harder when I return to campus and frantically work to make sure I graduate on time. But I feel like I've changed a great deal throughout the years and the people around me as well. I have no idea where I was going with this except that it was on my mind...

If the humidity doesn't go down, I'm going to melt right out of this wheelchair!

My mom is wicked excited. Tomorrow, Hanni's dad is dropping off 4-6 roosters he doesn't want anymore and my mom is going to slaughter them all! Hanni threatened to set them free, but I made her promise not to haha. Hopefully slaughterhouse in the Bui home won't last too long. :-P

I'm almost at the three week mark until I can start putting weight on my right leg. I am so excited. :-) Walking, here I come!

Friday, August 27, 2004

cannot sleep

Goal for tonight: I will not take any pain medication. I've already given in the past two nights. I haven't taken any pain medication since I've been home except for four occasions. I hate to give into the weakness. Hate it. Tonight, I am going to tire myself out so much that I won't notice the arm annoyance and pass out. That's the plan. So I need to self amuse myself online until my Asian eyes give up.

It stinks to be online on the first Friday of A term. Not a single soul is at their computer. Heck, I wouldn't be at my computer either if I weren't Miss Wheelchair right now. All my away message combing brings up is variations of "Out for the night." Lucky bums!

My mom's friend's granddaughter visits us a lot. She has taken a liking to me. I think she is 2. She's damn cute. She is this crazy mix of Vietnamese, Chinese, Middle Eastern, and maybe African American. And she knows my name! Best part: I don't know hers. I keep forgetting to ask. But whenever she comes over, she always plays with me. One day, I was lotioning up my knee and she was very fascinated with the lotion. So I gave her some and started rubbing my hands together to show her what to do. Instead she ignores me and pulls up her pant leg and starts putting the lotion on her knee. It was too cute.

So am I going to be able to just pick up the pieces of my life in October? How easy is this going to be for me? Is it a 500 piece puzzle or are we talking a monster 1000 piece? Right now, I keep pumping myself up for physical therapy, saying it's going to be great. But man, when I try to just bend my right leg while laying flat in bed, it's a struggle and it hurts. Physical therapy is going to HURT. But shhhhh, I don't tell myself that too often. It scares me a little bit. And it makes the time move slower. And time moving slowly is my worst enemy.

The best thing about sleeping: In my dreams, I'm always walking. Two completely functional hips. I've never once dreamed about my accident or being injured like this. My dreams are the only place I find solace from the accident and its aftermath. And I thank God for that. It's nice to have a getaway-from-reality place. Even if it only lasts for a few hours at a time.

Time to get away.

let go

Right now, I can say that I don't particularly "like" anyone or anything. You know what that means... messed up dreams about people you REALLY don't like. Anyways, seeing Napoleon Dynamite makes me feel better. If he can get a girl kinda, then I'm bound to find the right somebody someday. Although, I think right now, my wheelchair really cramps my style. ;-)

My arm has been giving me some major issues lately. I think I just want to sever it from my body and be done with it. If this pain is "the nerves are healing" then they need to heal themselves faster and stop giving me spasms. The pelvis isn't even that bothersome anymore. Just the numbness and pain in the right arm. Gr! But I can do things like get in and out of the car without help, and get in and out of bed without help as well. I know it sounds small, but they are big deals to me because I am finally starting to not need nearly as much help. Which makes me feel like life is bit more normal.

Last week 4 fresh from highschool kids got into a wicked bad car accident. One girl died on impact and the other three are in such bad shape. The guy shattered both his legs and one girl is expected to not make it and the other guy is in really bad shape too. They were driving on I-79 and it was raining and the car hydroplaned... and hit a tree. The horrible thing is that the tree they hit was the only tree for about 5 miles. ::sigh:: What was fate thinking? Those poor kids. I'm thankful that I was driving my honking Audi... any other smaller car........... and well. I am grateful to be alive, busted hip and all.

Just a few more months of this. I am stronger than all of this.

Monday, August 23, 2004

jealous of your hips

I decided to be a bit more light on my blog. Here were the photos I was going to put on my blog right around the time my accident happened.

Here's me getting some action... the only action from this summer! Tom Hanks is a great kisser.

Some happy times with my best friend Becky and some fun guys, Tony first, then Curtis who is THE man, and Curtis's twin sons Max and Alex.

Max did not like me, but Alex LOVED me. Max liked Becky. Funny how that worked. I cannot tell for the life of me which one is which though... and Curtis dressed them alike that bastard, haha.

Scary thought... does my new and improved pelvis with metal screws prevent natural birth? A question I should ask the surgeon next time I see him. You might think that was a random thought... but seeing Max and Alex made me think of kids and good ol' kinda pre-med Ben asked me the natural birth question. I would have never even thought of it...

Tomorrow Ian, my favorite 12 year old with a license now... scary! Anyways, he is carting my stumblee wumblee self to see Bourne Supremacy. I've only heard good things. Yum for Matt Damon.

Anyone reading my blog should make a conscious effort to go see Garden State. It was by far the best summer movie I've seen. It went above and beyond my expectations. Zach Braff is one talented man. I can't wait for the next season of Scrubs.

Good luck to everyone starting off another year at WPI. 8 more weeks and I can begin to live life a bit more dangerously. :-P

Sunday, August 15, 2004

hospital band

Now I'm home. But really I still feel like I'm at the hospital. The first few days I was home, I kept having dreams where I was trying to get home but kept getting lost or missed the stop. Home doesn't really feel like home. I guess that's why I haven't removed my band yet. I'll snip it the day I feel like I'm really healed and on my own. Which won't be for another five weeks. ::sigh:: The surgeon condemned me to another FIVE weeks of non-weight bearing on the right leg. Basically that means by the time I can start to fully walk again, I will have spent almost 10 weeks like this... bound to a wheel chair and crutches. I will never again complain about walking (ok never is a strong word, haha). I just... want this episode in my life to be over. I think it's overstayed its "welcome."

My family visited from New Orleans and gosh the kids are so old now. I remember when each one of them was born and taking care of them when I would visit. And now they are all grown up. They were very eager to help me with whatever and play with all my little handicap gadgets. I love my family.

So I wrote this LONG novel about my experiences from the beginning of the accident and what I remember. I was going to blog it, but I think it's too personal. I guss its main purpose is to be theraputic. I cried writing it, but then again I cry at about everything these days. I still am getting the whole being "emotional" thing under control. I cry less and less often these days and I am starting to feel like I'm myself again. But still... I think to this day... is this really happening to me?


But it's happening to me for a reason and it wouldn't have happened unless I was meant to get through it.

Mantra/medicine for the next five weeks: I am stronger than all of this.
Dosage: Everytime I feel frustrated.
Refills: As many times needed.
Expected results: A new and better Vonda.