a little lost

I had a dream last night. The details are pretty fuzzy, as always. But I remember being in my bathing suit and showering at some store. And then I thought that security was going to come and kick me out but instead they were looking for someone else. And as I was hightailing it out of the store, two people are there helping me. They are essentially the same person in my life, except one represents the past and the other represents the present. And maybe my subconcious wishes that somehow they will morph into a future. But, although they are supposedly there to help grab clothes and a towel, really they are just there to be there, doing nothing. I end up lost in my dream, on the road, not knowing how to get back home. And not getting help or guidance from the two people. I think they eventually disappear and I am all alone, in the darkness, driving aimlessly. And I'm in my bathing suit. Essentially naked and without the security of clothes or the security of someone to be there for me. What am I looking for? Why can't I find my way home? What do those two people represent? Where the heck am I going? I love dissecting a vague dream. Or maybe I love dissecting my life. But each time, when I go to put it all back together, I still am not sure if I'm seeing the big picture.

And here is the result from my pumpkin carving experience...


It's very simple, and I like it. I love this season. And I cannot wait to go to Target tomorrow to rape the Halloween chocolate at half off. And to get apple cider. So yummu.

Jon Stewart was pretty awesome. He is very very funny. It was a good vibe and he talked about everything I wanted him to talk about - Scooter, Bush, Kerry, religion, dog vomit. :-P I would highly suggest you all to see him sometime.

I don't think I will ever like drinking. Or alcohol. It's tolerable at best. And I suck in a drinking party atmosphere, especially if I am not in the mood. I wish I had a better party spirit but I just always think I could be doing something better. I need some formal training on how to party. Any professors out there looking for some moonlighting and trying to help me be zen in the drunk party atmosphere?

Time for bed. The early bird gets more of her work done. So, I will end on good news: My student loan payment per month is $115. Yessssssss.

umbrella hell

Nor'easter: A cyclonic storm occurring off the east coast of North America. These winter weather events are notorious for producing heavy snow, rain, and tremendous waves that crash onto Atlantic beaches, often causing beach erosion and structural damage. Wind gusts associated with these storms can exceed hurricane force in intensity. A nor'easter gets its name from the continuously strong northeasterly winds blowing in from the ocean ahead of the storm and over the coastal areas.

Damn these nor'easters! They are killing umbrellas! Mine survived barely. And let me say I have seen umbrella hell, aka a garbage can full of broken umbrellas by government center, and I refuse to let my umbrella succomb to being just another prisoner of hell! We will persevere.

Hanni is coming. I cannot wait to see my biatch. The gal who introduced me to Boston is returning! If only she would stay forever. Or at least longer than 3 nights. And then back to Erie she goes or else she will turn into a pumpkin.

I got a text message today that said, "Jane* is not dead. She works at the Plymouth." I am not using her real name just in case she comes across this blog due to the fact that she has a unique name. The Plymouth is this decent pub/restaurant in Erie. She must be waitressing. Anyways, it was good to know she was alive somewhere. No report on if she has any kids though. This girl used to be my best friend, in gradeschool, pre-Becky. It's actually because of her that I met Becky really, which became a problem the moment Becky and I realized that we had a real friendship forming. But, anyways, Jane was riding the wrong track and almost dragged me along. Even though we really lost touch, I always have warm regards for her and hope that she somehow turns her life around. She always told herself that she would never end up like her siblings or parents. She is a good person, just... never found herself exactly. Hope she finds what she is looking for.

I need a sensitive male in my life. I am trying to think of one... and really... I do not have one. Every male friend I have is sarcastic, very "I'm a man and I'm not into the mushy stuff!" or just very neutral and will listen, but rarely is ever able to relate to anything drama-ish or an upset Vonda. I guess that is what I have my girl friends for. Still, it'd be nice to have a better balance.

I brought back my nintendo. We played some Super Mario Brothers 3. I rule. Lisa... so so. I am looking for a worthy partner. There aren't many as flawless as I am. :-P Let me know if anyone is up for some real competition.

If I had time to actually dress up for Halloween, my dream costume would be: Me as Tina Turner and John as Ike Turner. We would go trick'r'treating together and he would slap me around. Haha, that visual has me laughing so hard right now. What's love got do with it?!

Day 1: Success.

never settle

I cried. I thought I was immune to the tears. All day I watched everyone else cry. And I thought that I was so strong and that I was fine. But then the trigger was pulled. And the blood trickled in clear streams down my face. I am very angry with myself. I told myself a year ago that the moment I was able to live again, I would live for happiness and change the pattern I had weaved for myself. And I foolishly thought that I was actually changing and had somehow come out different from what I was before. But really when you strip away all the small physical changes - the accessories I had added to my life like location, vegetables, and new friendships - it is still what it was before. I am still making the same mistakes. And I am still thinking the same way and I am still hurting myself. It is never anyone else's fault, but my own. And I need to keep telling myself that. Blaming others for my own personal struggles and mental fist fights is just a crutch. I got rid of my real crutches a year ago and now, I need to get rid of the ones in my head.

I am burning this fabric out of my life. Killing this pattern forever. I refuse to wear it. I refuse to let it be me. I refuse to let what others think or don't think of me dictate my happiness. I refuse to let me get the best of me. I will never settle. Greatness will be mine.

what a weekend

One word to describe me right now: drained. This weekend has been the most spontaneous and scariest in a while. It all started out amazing, with a trip to see Amy Tan. She signed my book and even wrote down my name on her pad of paper, because it was so unique. I felt so damn special. The following day, Lisa and I spent a while walking down to the wharf, watching the sunset, and then randomly decided to see Menopause: The Musical with John. We were the only young and non-white people in the entire theatre. Nonetheless it was pretty funny, but has me deathly afraid of menopause. :-P Saturday led us to King Richard's Faire where we got rained out. But we still enjoyed a few of the shows, the hugest turkey leg ever, and randomly ran into Boats and John Duel, and a former semi-resident, Dylan. We then met up with William, Laura, and Adam for a trip to Providence where we popped Laura's Fire+Ice cherry and cruised the mall. Lisa and I then did 6 loads of laundry. Yes, it was a packed weekend, and relatively fun weekend.

And then it got ugly.

Sunday morning, we got up and started making our delicious outmeal and bagels. And as Lisa was bending over, rummaging in the fridge, she said "Ow!" I was busy eating my oatmeal and, half listening, said what's wrong. She said her back hurt, and I thought OK, I will keep eating the oatmeal. And then... she just stood there, hunched over, silent. She then said something along the lines of "I feel funny" or something similar and that is when I took more notice. She was ready to keel over and faint. I rushed over and supported her as I yelled for William and Laura. We got her in a chair. After, Laura, my savior and the best human being for emergencies, began asking her questions as William called 911. Lisa was faint and weak and couldn't see through either of her eyes although they were wide open. It then got better when she could see shadows, but then again darkness, and then back to normal. The EMT arrived (as well as the fire dept!) and he started to check her out. She started to feel a little better and color returned to her face, as well as her vision. But we still went to the hospital to make sure. After several hours of sitting around, they just told her it was probably stress and to take it easy.

I am kind of ticked off that they did nothing really. They were crap and a half. She lost vision in both her eyes for at least a few minutes. That is not normal. The EMT who saw her said that in his 12 years working, he has never had a case where a reaction to pain was severe enough to cause transient vision loss. And she has never had this happen before. And she isn't stressed, physically or mentally really. She is so chill. The fact that she doesn't have medical insurance at the moment sucks because it makes me wonder if that is why they didn't have her get a CAT scan or an MRI or something more than peeing in a stupid cup. I am sure the excuse will also be because "It's Sunday" but that is bullshit. They didn't even recommend her to get more tests done when she got back to Boston. I am very nervous, thanks to John, because when he was in high school, he used to get fainting spells from random feelings of pain and lose vision temporarily. And you know what that ended up being? A BRAIN TUMOR.

I know Lisa will probably be fine, but still, I hate that they didn't run more tests. I am going to speak with her tomorrow and ask her if she wants to see a doctor and get more things done to be safe. I am working from home tomorrow to monitor her. I just want her to be and feel safe and secure. She has grown to be like a sister to me, as well as a best friend. Bad things are not allowed to happen to her. Do you hear that, supreme being??!?

Today really rattled us all. A lot. But not all the rattles were bad ones. It did make Lee realize that there is more in life than just studying. It even got her to say she was going to start hanging out with us more on weekends. :-) And I got my first ambulance ride where I was not strapped into a gurney. And I got a reminder of what life used to be like. Which only made me realize that... I have come a long way.

in addition

Some parental advice coming from the person I consider closest to being an adult:

I saw your list of what to do incase you win the lottery. You made a few mistakes:
1. Get a lawyer who specializes in lottery winnings and interstate income tax issues.
2. Change your phone number.
3. Log off instant messagener.
Only after you complete those things do you get to do everything else in your list.

Thanks, Patrick, for being ever so responsible and aware. :-P Unfortunately, I am still as poor as I was before the lottery. I wonder if anyone won...

At 7pm, I get to meet my favorite contemporary author: Amy Tan! She is going to be at the Boston Public Library today and I am very excited to have her sign a book. I've read almost every book she's written and just absolutely adore her. I guess there is something I relate to in her Chinese-American mother-daughter stories. Go figure. ;-)

I've started letter writing and I forgot how tough it can be. But that's OK, I like a challenge. Congratulations, Adam, you are pen pal #2. And you nay sayers who find this lame and think it's silly to waste 37 cents on correspondence when email is free... All I can say is that you don't know the value of real communication.

Time inches slowly towards the weekend. Lisa and I are going to King Richard's Fair (anyone is free to come if they want to) and then vegging out in Worcester to do our loads and loads of laundry.

Last thoughts before bed: My AIM activity has increased over the past week or two. I think it's due to WPI fall break. People are bored and IM me. I don't know if I'm flattered or offended by it. :-P AND I just read my best friend's little sister's profile. She is 14 and I've known her since she was 5, and yes she is growing up, but I had no idea it had gotten to the point of ghetto nasty! Why do I say this? Because her profile had this line in it only: "Back seat windows up, that's the way we like to F***!" Damn, we went from Barbies and dress up to sex and gangsta love in a flash.

How quickly we grow up.

lottery

Powerball: 340 million dollars! William, Laura, and I got tickets together and will split the winnings evenly. Well Laura might owe us each $100 for the whole puking incident, but that is another story! :-P

If I won the lottery... I would:
1. Do the most tacky thing... quit my job. It's not that I don't like it... just want to be free! Think Office Space.
2. Go back to school for an undergrad and grad in film or TV production or some sort of background area.
3. Pay off all my student loans, as well as my brother's and William's and Becky's and Lisa's and Lee's and etc. Whoever is deserving and very important in my life.
4. Give my mom a crap ton of money so she is free to be and do whatever she wants.
5. Give me brother money under the stipulation that he either go back to school for something or get a real full time job so as to get some direction in his life.
6. Give my dad money under the stipulation that um, he doesn't squander it and ruin it all again.
7. Give money to my family members and help them rebuild their lives.
8. Travel and spend a lot of time abroad.
9. Get amazing tickets to each Grand Slam in tennis.
10. Get season tickets for every sporting team in Boston.
11. Buy a condo in the heart of Boston that has a parking spot and have my cousins live with me.
12. Pay off my car loan.
13. Buy a house for my mom wherever she wants to live.
14. Give money back to WPI so I can get something named after me. If I were rich enough, I'd give enough money to get the Bartlett Building knocked down. :-P
15. Buy the latest technology. Basically spaz out at Best Buy!
16. Take Vietnamese speaking and writing classes.
17. Get a personal trainer and actually work out. Plastic surgery be damned.
18. Find a way to make my hip hurt as little as possible.
19. Starting writing again... plays, short stories, screenplays... whatever strikes my fancy.
20. Do whatever I want. Paying homage to Cartman, "I'll do what I want!"

So my chances are slim to none, but it's nice to dream... :-)

blah blah cancer blah blah

Best news ever: Lisa decided to stay in MA for at least the rest of the year. AND! She might be committing to going to school here for a masters, so that would tack on another two years! Yes! I want to tell all those naysayers who told me that me bothering her and telling her to not leave everyday would just drive her right back to Texas were WRONG. :-) Now that I have Lee and Lisa in my life, it's really hard to imagine them NOT being around. They will eventually be going back to Texas someday, but at least not soon. But now I have to take her camping. That was a stipulation in the deal. Help, friends, help! I'm not a camper, so I need suggestions and fast. :-P

The NBA commissioner David Stern is instituting a "dress code" for players (which is something I'm not sure I agree with). Here was one really ridiculous response from a player, "Nuggets center Marcus Camby said he thought the league should give players a stipend if they are required to wear suits." A stipend? You've got to be joking. As a professional athlete, I would hope you had a wardrobe full of nice suits and shirts. A stipend! You already get paid millions of dollars as is! A STIPEND TO BUY CLOTHES THAT EVERY PROFESSIONAL (and average person) SHOULD HAVE (and are able to afford even on a mere 4 or 5 figure salary, let alone on a 6 or 7 or even 8 figure salary). I hope he realizes how silly of a request that was. Probably not, though. People say very stupid things when they can't think of a good reason.

My hip is slowly getting back to normal. After some heavy internet surfing on the subject of rain and pain, I believe it to be the culprit. But I don't think I ever want to internet surf about pains and disease ever again, because every other article has the word CANCER in it and, although I know death is inevitable, no need to keep worrying myself. I'm paranoid about germs and such anyways, don't need to add cancer to the list.

Congratulations, Andrew, you are pen pal #1.

trying to sound like myself

I want a pen pal. There is something about pen and paper and writing that seems to really call to me right now. I want something to look forward to. In high school, I used to exchange letters with this boy who I saw every day. What was so great about our correspondence was that the conversations that we held in our letters were completely different from what we talked about every day. There is something about writing that really clears my mind. Writing allows me to actually organize my thoughts and think a little more cohesively, skills I don't exactly display when speaking.

I sometimes hate the way I talk. When I hear recordings of myself, I think I sound... very dumb. Where do I get this voice? I was raised with two very Vietnamese parents with thick accents and messy English. I think my cousins were right, TV has ruined me. Also my impulsiveness to speak what comes to mind first, as well as the flaw of being slightly judgemental, does not help my case. I also hate that I sound perpetually cheery. I am not as cheery as my voice makes me out to be. I am far more sarcastic and cynical than what my bubbly voice allows. I am a bitch! But even when I say "I am a bitch!" out loud, I still sound like a nice ditzy girl trying to be bad.

So if I had a new voice, what would it be? I think I would want a bit of a Vietnamse accent in there. Now, years later, I realize that my parents were very right when they said I would regret not practicing Vietnamese at home. They don't end up right about a lot of things, but this, I owe them an apology for. Back to my voice, maybe take it down an octave, as well as zap 75% of this cheery demeanor. And I want my voice to be more disguisable, less readable. Or maybe it's my face that gives it away. Oh, aren't I just in the mood to change everything about myself. I guess it's about time to have a slight insecurity flare up. I blame it on the hip and the pain and the rain.

Just blame it on the weatherman.

real life changing

What's the buzz. I's say the Supreme Court. (OK I admit it's a late buzz really) Latest nominee: Harriet Miers. I asked for an opinion of her from my favorite political source and he said, "She doesn't even look like a justice. She looks like the creepy lady who lives down the street." We know nothing of her, except that she is a close friend of the most idiotic figure head in US history. The woman seems so unqualified for this position that my political source almost cynical joked that maybe Bush picked her, hoping she would go down in flames, so that he could choose whoever he wanted next and say "I gave you someone and you shot her down, so take this one instead." I don't know... it is a little sketch.

Next subject: whether I feel that this nominee HAS to be a woman. I am torn here. As a slight feminist at times, I want there to be a better balanced Supreme Court. But I also want the most qualified person, not most qualified woman (Miers is neither). With O'Connor stepping down, we're left with one woman. When it comes to law, I would like to think there isn't a gender bias, but with hot button issues like abortion, I cannot help hating the idea of several rich, educated white men making a decision about whether women have a right to their own choice.

Last Supreme Court comment: I think Judge Roberts has the "crazy eyes" and I can only hope that they are crazy in a good way. Only time will tell, and he has a lot of time to let the crazy come out.

I spoke with a guy I used to go to high school with a week ago. He gave me the skinny on his life as of right now and a few other people. He was definitely a good guy and I can say I might have had a smidgeon of a crush on him here and there in high school. He isn't a baby daddy so that is an extreme plus for him. But he still hangs out with the same people from high school. It seems that being in Erie sucks you into an incestuous cycle of the same friends and dating the people in your circle. I guess it gave me a glimpse of what life could have been like had I stayed in Erie. Comfortable, non-changing - slowly morphing into a lifetime of content and disguised monotony. Nonetheless, he is doing well and I am glad. He likes to IM me everytime New England sports crushes his Pittsburgh team (which can be kind of often). It's cute, and he is too.

I look forward to a 5 year high school reunion where I can see exactly how far along everyone has come. And also get a total tally on how many babies everyone has had. :-P

Elizabethtown was disappointing. But there were a few moments in there that did click. Especially, the phone sequence. It really eerily reminded me of my friendship with someone. I think we peaked on the phone as well, and the mere thought of meeting him after 4.5 years again makes me slightly nervous. I wouldn't be sad if another 4.5 years passed before we met again. :-P But you never know... fate has it's way. Christmas in Texas this year? Quite the possibility.

I still pine a little. Meh, I accept that I am weak.

I am going to now start a tirade about the New England weather. STOP RAINING. And please stop killing me. My hip hurts so much. I think it's the weather shift. I am limping again and it kills me to look and feel so weak. If this persists, I will need to see a doctor to see if it's not something more than possible arthiritis or the metal reacting to the cold.

Had the best conversation on the T yesterday. It was with some Long Islander freshman from BU. He walked a fine line between obnoixous and confident. I instantly liked him. And weirdly enough, he was a summer tennis instructor majoring in statistics (with a hope for the actuarial profession) and philosophy. I told him, everyone is going to hate him, if they don't already. :-) Our small 10 minute conversation (which made him miss his stop) has surpassed the previous best conversation on the T. The last conversation was about infertility and conception issues with my cousins and I and a random guy on the T. We couldn't seem to remember what a guy being infertile was called. Now I remember that it's sterile, but at the time, my cousins kept pressing that guys were considered infertile. It went as follows:
Guy on T: I always thought the guy could be considered "infertile" as well.
Me: See, I always saw the guy as the "fertilizer" ::lots of laughing:: :-)

Oh yes, the T is always the place for real life changing conversations.

intimacy

Intimacy. Such a hard thing to accomplish when you try to force it. And so hard to replicate with each friend you have. It seems as if the relationships you wish were more intimate, never happen easily. And the ones you hardly work at, are. And then there are the relationships that were just... meant to be.

Sometimes people you hardly even know, or at least know in the every day sense, are some of your most honest relationships. It's amazing how intimate I am with someone I've known for years, but at the same time, we have spent no time together. But, without a doubt, I know this person through and through, as intimate as can be, even without small details that I treasure in other relationships. I don't think he knows me equally well in return, but he does know a different me, a me that is maybe a little acted out. I am myself, but I get to pretend to be the more desirable version of me because this version is the only version he will ever know. And I like that, the power to do and say and be whatever because the limits of truth and reality are suspended.

I also think of a few people who I wish I had more intimate relationships with. You can't force it to be intimate. But I try anyways. Sometimes it blows up in my face, actually, it usually does. I don't learn my lesson, ever. A girl has to have her flaws, I guess, especially about those who she wishes were more than just friends. I think of one friend, whom I've known forever. But... even with 15+ years of techinal friendship on our resume, I can honestly say I didn't know him-know him until the last 3 or 4 years. I blame myself partially for trying to force a relationship that wasn't there, but I can also put partial blame on him since it is his nature to not be intimate. Once I stopped the forced intimacy, it happened naturally on its own. We are great friends now and I laugh thinking of the idea of anything more. What a mismatch that would be! He knows me quite well, but that's because he is a good listener. That's the role we play, I, the talker, he the listener. It reminds me of another friend, another forced friendship. I let it fizzle after I realized that I was again deceiving myself into this trick version of intimacy. But then amazingly... after our amiable falling out, he came back and wanted to renew our friendship. So maybe I wasn't imagining things. And maybe sometimes, a little force can draw someone in. Unfortunately, I still play this game of "let's make friendship and intimacy happen" regardless of whether it's possible or not. I think I keep trying my luck, because in my mathematical mind, I think the probabilities have to get better with each loss. Or maybe I am playing the lottery with my heart and amassing this ridiculous pile of loser ticket stubs. I guess I won't know until I either win, or I go broke. But the intimacy I gamble for in these friendships are possible of a big payoff, and like a good addict, I can't say no to myself.

Then there are the intimate relationships you have with people you have known forever and spend large chunks of time with. This friend, what I sometimes like to think of as my platonic soulmate, is the person I feel might just know me the most thoroughly. She is kind and crazy and weird, and so great that I cannot help but be the best and generous friend in return. But then it makes me wonder, because our relationship is so right and so free flowing of unconditional kindness and love, it isn't 100% complete because... well, I'm never selfish around this person or extremely bitchy. It's not within my nature to be like that when with this person. She brings the best versions of me out. It's not that I squash the other versions... it's just, they never need to be called out. They are understudies to the truly good and deserving version of me that works hard every day to make an appearance. So, in a sense, she doesn't really have to deal with all of me.

And the reason why that friend doesn't get the selfish me, is because I've saved the selfish me for a different friend or two. The selfish, and incredibly crass friend that I feel I can be completely rude to and harsh and cynical with, and not feel as if I'm ruining a mood. Or feel guilty for being so judgmental and bitchy. With this friend, I let see the worst in me because I see the worst in them, and even with the worst versions of ourselves flying around, we would still pick that worst version over the best version of someone else. That level of intimazy is also hard to find, and I sometimes wonder if maybe that friend knows me best. But really... he doesn't. They know a certain side of me best. Their personality constraints keep our friendship from being on the same level as the prior one. But I don't dislike him for it or wish it to be different. This is what we chose to make of our friendship and it's far more intimate than I ever could have asked for.

Relationships with relatives are by far the easiest. And the worst. You are bound by blood and the abstract idea of family. I just met my cousins in December, and yet here we are living together. And within the last few months, our bond has grown and is thick and lively as the blood that connects us. I don't think I work at this relationship at all. I don't have to, because of that idea of family which branches off to loyalty and an instant familiarity with each other, regardless of how well we might know each other. I also think of my brother, who is maybe, my best friend, in this small life I lead. But really, I have to discount him, because he's family, and yes, we are friends and siblings, but siblings first. And although we share a connection that sometimes makes me wonder if we were twins in a past life, the level of intimacy isn't level with relationships I have with my best friends. Then again, maybe I am trying to compare apples and oranges.

Intimacy in relationships. So different for each person. Maybe each one is a different fruit and I shouldn't try to compare at all. I wonder all these thoughts because I am trying to decide who I think knows me best. Why? Just because... a random question to answer. And the trickiest part to answering that type of question is... which version of me do I think is really me? Which I have to be careful about answering because it can be easily confused with which version of me do I like the best? Even more so... do I know myself well enough to actually be able to answer that question? 22 years worth of friendships and experiences... and I still can't just choose one. Maybe that is me... the fruit basket variety. :-p

free for all

This weekend was pretty fabulous. Ridiculously sleep deprived, but fun. Friday was spent saying hello to some good ol' WPI alumni and carting around my peeps. I felt like I was SNAPping all over again. :-P Then I drove home to Boston, getting to sleep by 1:45 only to get up at 4:45 to pick up Katie at Logan and head to Worcester. She's worth it though. What a silly girl she is. We both got haircuts and did brunch with our friends and then spent the day shopping. Quotes of the day:

(holding a hideous pink flowery rain coat)
Katie: It's only 15 dollars!
Me: Katie, it's 15 dollars for a reason.

Lisa: Bend over and spell run. R-U-N.

Hahaha. :-) We then saw Serenity, which was surprisingly good. It had very light banter and humor and just the right amount of thought and plot and human insight. Not too shabby Josh Whedon! I am going to go back to Worcester this weekend after another stop at the Comedy Club. William and I have our eyes on the Cracker Barrel and of course, our traditional movie night.

I cut open my finger. It hurts like a bitch. I can't even wash dishes without breaking one and cutting my finger on it. :-P What a klutz I am!

I am not sure what I am doing with myself and my thoughts. I think I trick myself into feeling certain things. It's ridiculous. I am much smarter than this... or am I? In 10 years, I can hopefully look back upon every silly thought I had and think it wasn't a waste of time.

Fiona Apple's CD comes out tomorrow... I can feel all the pent up rage, angst, longing, yearning, and love just screaming for it. Yes, stupid thoughts, you are going to have a free for all this week.