unresolved, awkward

So much has happened over this break... or not much at all. It's hard to say. But I am not in the mood to tell you all right now... so instead...

Flipping through old yearbooks... found one that really... touched me...

Vonda,

It's been a lifetime, but it's over. Yikes!... Wonder what the future holds, though I don't really care. Best of luck being a dentist or engineer or whatever career you finally decide on. I don't doubt that you'll succeed with ease.

Believe it or not, your strict moral fiber many times saved me from going crazy. You were always reliable - whenever the world of self-exploration got to be too much (seriously, though, it is self-exploration), I could always rely on you to yell at me for being stupid. Without sarcasm, I thank you for that.

I ought to say more, thank more, explain more, but it doesn't seem right. So I'll just leave things how they are - unresolved, awkward - and let time erase it all steadily.

As for me, I'll be fine. When I get tired of what I'm not tired of just yet, I'll straighten out and become an honorable and upstanding citizen. Maybe. We'll see.

Happy vibes,
Brandon Macer

I admit, I got a little choked up reading that message. It was by far one of the most honest and REAL messages I received.

Wherever you are Brandon Macer... I hope you are alright.

idea of goodness

Narnia was really good. I think I walked in with lower expectations, so I came out more than pleased. As I jokingly said to everyone, "It made the story of Jesus cool again." :-P It was very colorful and did justice to the C.S. Lewis classic. It reminded me why faith is so powerful and that at some point, religion had a greater purpose. I still won't go back to religion, but I admit, I still have great faith in idea of goodness and my ability to try to live up to the standard of good.

What I'd like for Christmas:
1. I don't really expect anyone to get my any of the following, but if you do, coordinate with someone to make sure you don't do repeats. So, any of the following TV DVD sets:
a. Charmed: Seasons 1-3 (I've mentioned this one to William)
b. Sports Night: Seasons 1-2 (comes in a complete set)
c. Will & Grace: Seasons 1-4
d. Friends: Seasons 1-10
e. The West Wing: Seasons 1-5
f. Gilmore Girls: Seasons 1-5
g. That 70's Show: Seasons 1-3
h. Family Guy: Seasons 1-3
2. Any sort of Nintendo (Original NES) games
3. To make out with "so and so" :-P
4. Any Colts paraphernalia (I love Peyton :-P)
5. Anything related to tennis (but nothing related to any Russian of any sort)
6. Really cool professional and cute and thick socks (I know... lame, who ask for socks?)
7. Really pretty, classy, and unique DANGLY earrings

I just bought my new TiVo. I can't wait to get it activated. Just in time for American Idol and Scrubs. Yessssssss. But I was not happy with Best Buy. Suckass.

I dwell on the past a lot. I bounce back well though. But again... the past the past the past. I need to learn to just let go or not revisit any silly ideas. It's just so hard!

This weekend is going to rock! Classy holiday party with a night spent relaxing at the pool and sauna at the Hyatt in Downtown Crossing. I cannot wait.

I cannot wait to go home. :-)

i know

Best concert... ever. Fiona was just amazing. Her voice was just so rich and deep and etheral at times. She did 10 songs from Extraordinary Machine, 7 from When the Pawn..., and 3 from Tidal for a total of 20 songs, out of a possible 32 original. Do you realize how ridiculous that is? To sing that many songs? It was a little over 100 minute concert and the time just flew. Each person hung on Fiona's every word. You had to... she hardly said anything! Just to let us know that she was conceived here, although born in NYC, and the fact that she wrote one of her songs after she found out about the other woman and thanked that woman. I'd pay to see her again and again, especially if I were closer. :-P But even being far away, still an amazing experience.

I'm watching a special on Brokeback Mountain and I want to see it, even though I know that it's going to be absolutely heartbreaking. The purity I feel just watching a special on it... only makes me realize just how ridiculously wonderful and awful this movie will be.

This season institutes watching chick flicks, such as Love Actually and Bridget Jones. The only problem is that I watch those movies, love how I feel, and then realize I don't love anyone the way the chick flick movies make love out to be. Such a dilemma. Still waiting...

The Boston Actuarial Club networking event turned out to be loads of fun! I was worried it was going to be more older senior level actuaries than the younger ones. But it was a pretty healthy mix of both, possibly more young than old. I met actuarial students from John Hancock (through Jeff), Sun Life, Fidelity, and MetLife. By the end of the night, I was in a heavily Asian group, but it was OK. I'm Asian as well, so I technically have a lifetime membership, even if I am more banana in nature. :-) But I definitely would like to see more events like that. I was even invited to dim sum with some people. Who knew networking could be so fun?

I beat myself up easily. Not to sound like a little kid... but I could use a real, bear-like, soul-engulfing sincere, and heartfelt hug right now. One that just melts away your problems as you melt into another person.

It's December... the year is just almost through. A lot of self-evaluation happens. Have I lived this year sincerely? And thoroughly? Did I do my life justice? It's hard to say... it's all a blur, this blur called life.

age gap

A conversation that exemplifies the age gap in my office:

Rob (28 years old): Yeah Providence has a really good basketball team. We once almost made it to the Final Four. But we lost to Arizona and they went on to be the champions.
Vonda (22 years old): Oh yeah! I remember that! I was in 8th grade when it happened.
Rob: No, it wasn't that long ago. It was in 1997.
Vonda: Yeah... I was in 8th grade at the time.
Rob: Oh wow! (Laughter) I was probably out at a bar!

Busy week. I have an actuarial networking event in the evening and then Fiona on Wednesday. Definitely an upward shift.

I like it.

With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you...

foul mood

Honestly... without too much detail, I just want to say it was a bad weekend. Or at least the last few hours of it were. Could the world just get off my back? I wanted today to get some productive work done for my real life job and some chill time. Sunday is my day to be zen and get in the right mindset to begin the week. Today is MY DAY. Too bad everyone wanted me to do something else. The two worst being window sealer, cleaning the kitchen where dishes were over a week old, and just this and that. I don't think I've ever woken up in a foul mood as I have today. I get up and the first thing I hear is someone yelling at me. :-/

I haven't blogged in a while. Hmm. Think happy. Think happy. Well, Thanksgiving was nice. So much food, I thought I was going to die. We went pretty psycho. But John was an excellent chef and the food was fabulous. I contributed green bean casserole and stuffing - easy stuff. I'm not exactly the most graceful person in the kitchen.

My Scrabble wins are piling up. I've only lost to Lisa thrice, and she hasn't beat me since early November. We've discussed it and we've come up with a solution: she needs to learn how to play a balance of defense with offense. Making a good and valuable word that doesn't leave your opponents with a lot to work on. Offense won't always win you the game. Lee is also right up there. She'll get her first win someday. Scrabble is about 75% skill and 25% luck of drawing the high value letters.

Emerson's radio station 88.9 rocks. It is so crazy. They have very fun themed programs. Some nights it's reggae/hip hop. Others, it's musicals and movie sountracks. And sometimes all a capella. I bet there are more, but I'm only in my car so often. It's so diverse and not horribly mainstream. It's just what I need in the car. That and the soundtrack to Rent. I can't stop listening to it. :-)

Took Patrick for one last hurrah. Moe's and a movie and some SNL. Pretty typical. I know he will be pretty darn happy to leave this chapter behind and officially live the government worker life in Maryland. Whatever makes the man happy! Just as long as he stays in touch. I don't ask much of friends... just to stay friends.

Adrenaline is a bitch. I stayed up late Saturday night and it's going to bite me in the ass tonight, as my body isn't quite ready for sleep. But at least Mitch was up, so it gave me a distraction from listlessly staring into space.

I feel just... down right rotten. I've felt incredibly lonely this past week. This weekend even more so. I'm not sure what it is. And no one to talk to about it really. Everyone I would approach has definitely crossed me the wrong way this weekend. I think people forget how easy it is to hurt a friend's feelings. And how easy it is for the hurt friend not to say a single word. Defense mechanism, people. Self-preservation. What a vicious cycle.